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Wednesday, August 31, 2011've sure messed with me

I'm so happy to have power, tv and internet back in my life.  I have to admit, it was nice to be without these things, as all I did was sleep.  Pretty much from when the sun went down.  It was very nice to catch up on sleep, but now I'm happy to catch up on facebook, blogs, twitter, news....all those happy things.

I did loose 2 doses of Avonex in the power failure.  That SUCKS, but good news is that Avonex will replace them.  There was 3 in the box, but one will still be fine for me to take this weekend, so it's just two. 

I've missed blogging, but thankfully, I've had little to blog about.  I feel well, except for this disc in the back thing.  I have an appointment with my doc and nurse tomorrow at the MS center.  I'm super excited to go there and tell them things are good.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

forgotten letters

So, I forgot to write yesterday's letter, and then there is its like a 2 for 1 special.

Dear Someone I wish I could meet,
Future Soul Mate  That's it.  I want to meet you, and I want to love you.

Dear Someone I don't talk to as often as I'd like,
I'm not sure who you are...I'm pretty tired all the time and I don't feel much like talking.  I find myself telling everyone I am fine, and yet I'm not, so the conversations never go honestly.  But I hate being a downer...hense this blog.  I can say what I want and feel and not feel guilty.

Monday, August 22, 2011

It's not in my head....the pain is real

The MRI came back today and I have lumbar degenerative disc disease.  Well, at least that's what my online chart says.  She called it something that sounded much less bad, but I can't remember what all the words were.  Basically, there is a disc out of place.

So, it's real.  They've referred me to a "pain doctor."  Like seriously, that's what he is.  I feel like that makes me sound like a druggie seeking pills.  Apparently though, he is the right kind of doctor.  He may try to fix it using steriod shots.  I'm not sure about that.  This all started when I was on IV steriods.

The more I think about it - the more done I am ready to be with freaken doctors.  It's ridiculous!  None of this happened before I got MS and started this doctor malarky. 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

30 letters in 30 days - day 8

Before my right arm keeps going numb today.  It's annoying and makes me wonder if its MS...puhhumph.

Now, onto today's letter.

Dear Favorite Internet Friend,

I used to have a lot of you, and now I don't really have any.  There's one girl, from Washington State that recently reconnected with me.  It was 10 years ago that we were friends, and to be honest, I can't say that we were even close.

My best friend irl was good friends (internet friends) with a couple from New York.  Well, this girl was internet friends with the couple, specifically, the girl.  So, that's how I knew her.

What I remember about her - she was always super nice.  She was pretty down to earth, and she called it like she saw it.  She recently reconnected me with me, through facebook and text.  Thanks facebook, for sharing my cell number.

She's still super nice.  I told her about my MS, she told me about how her and her love (from way back when I knew her), were splitting down.  She's on her way into entering single motherhood.  I wish her well.  She seems to be taking it stride, and enjoying life.  I want to learn from her and feel the same way.

ugh, Avonex

So, I was doing well with my avonex...barely had any side effects.  Then I didn't take it the week I was in so much pain....and resumed the folowing week. This is now the 2nd week...and ugh.  It gives me wicked side effects, even with medication.  I took Nyquil and still woke up in the middle of the night feverish.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

30 letters in 30 days - day 7

Dear Ex,

This is probably to hardest letter to write to date.  I'm over you - mostly.  Actually, mostly I am over you because I try to think about you as little as possible.  When I do think about you, I feel sad that things didn't work out, and so I try to think about it as little as possible.

Friday, August 19, 2011

30 letters in 30 days - day 6

Dear Stranger,

It's rather weird that I don't know who you are or why I'm writing you a letter.  I don't know how old you are, or your gender, or where you live, or if you are married, where you work or if you work...I know nothing about you.  I guess that's the good thing about this letter.  It doesn't matter who you are, I can just tell you something about my life. 

In many ways, I think it's easier to talk to a stranger.  If they are a stranger, there is no past, and therefore quite potentially, no future.  You can tell them anything, as you are not worried about loosing them in your life, or saying something that will have last reprocusions.

So, dear stranger, to you, I vent my frustrations with my job.  It's camp.  I love camp.  Camp is my life and has been since I was 8 years old.  My background is resident camp.  This is a fairly new job, first summer.  It's also day camp.

I don't think I like day camp very much.  I find a lot of things annoying about day camp, and while I want to completely excel at my job - I'm just not sure I love it.  I like it enough I guess, but I don't know if I will ever feel that I love it. That worries me greatly.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

30 letters in 30 days - day 5

Dear Dreams,

I wonder if I am meant to write to real dreams, like what happens at night when you are sleeping or my my wishes, hopes, etc...

First, real dreams...they don't happen in summer.  I think I'm far too sleepy to remember them actually.  What I do remember is that when my alarm went off at 5am yesterday, I thought, "my landlord said I could have all the pet fish I wanted, so it must be Saturday."  That was incredibly logical at the time and I was sure I was correct.  Unfortunately, it was Wednesday, and I had to get up.  Fortunately, I realized this before I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep.

Now, dreams in the hopeful sense.  I used to dream of a lot of things.  Now, I don't know what I dream for anymore.  I guess it's pretty simple.  I want to find a job I LOVE.  One that makes very happy and that I really look forward to going to work daily.  I'm positive it will be camp.  I'm not positive if its this camp or not....time will tell for that one.

I dream of finding a partner in life.  One that I can share my ups and my downs with and that I can share hers.  Someone who gets me, and someone that I get. 

I dream of finding a cure for multiple sclerosis.  That would be a-freaking-mazing.  I'm not sure about how possible, but very very good.

I dream that I can make the world a better place.  I hope to help someone the way I have been helped. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

30 letters in 30 days - day 4

Dear Mom,

In many ways, I hope that I've grown up to be just like you, and in other ways, I'm terrified that I've grown up to be just like you.

As a child, I remember how giving of yourself you always seemed to be.  You would dress up in crazy costumes and pass out trinkets, be it flags when you were Betsy Ross, or candy candles as Mrs. Clause, there was always something.  I can't remember a single holiday that you didn't have a costume for.  As a teenager, it embarassed the bejesus out of me.  As an adult, I appreciate it so much more.  It wasn't even about me - it was about making someone else's day.  I love that about you, and I hope I do the same things for others that you always did.

I'm also scared of being like you.   As you, and I, got older, you were sick - all the time.  But hardly really sick...I think you craved the attention and I think other parts of your life got so overwhelming that being sick was a way to deal with those things.  I'm scared the same will be true for me, if it's not already.  I pray I will have the strength to deal with the real issues in my life and not use my MS as an excuse for living. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

doctor update

I still have this stupid back pain.  I wish I knew what it was.  The CT Scan shows no kidney stones.  It does show gall stones, but the kind of pain I have does not match gall stone pain.  Where does that get me?

No one seems to know.  My PCP didn't know and questioned if it was neurological.  The urologist said it wasn't urological and probably neurological.  My next step was to call my neuro.

I called Friday.  She wasn't in.  I explained to the receptionist (the one who is BRILLANT at getting radiology appointments scheduled) what was going on, that the other doctors thought it was neuro and that the primary doc was scheduling an MRI over the weekend.  We left the conversation saying that I would call back Monday when I knew the results of that MRI.

Well, the primary's office is not nearly as brillant as the neuro's office at scheduling those radiology things.  It didn't get done and so I had no MRI over the weekend.  I didn't call the neuro Monday, since I had no results to share with her and I kinda felt like either it wasn't neuro, or if it was, there was nothing she could do about it anyway.

Monday afternoon Becky calls me.  She said Dr. Dayaw wanted to see me tomorrow.  I explained that I hadn't had the MRI done and had no results to share.  She put me on hold while she went to ask the doctor.  She came back and said, "nope, she wants to see you first thing in the morning."

"Am I dying?" was my question.  Why on earth does she want to see me first thing in the morning.  I read lots of posts online from people who have so much trouble seeing their neurologist. So why on earth is mine calling me and wanting to see me so quickly.

She said no, thankfully.  But nonetheless, the Dr. Dayaw wanted to see me the next morning.  "I have an 8:00 available," she says.

"No, I can't do 8:00.  At 8:00 I have 700 children arriving."

"Ok, I have 3:00 available."

"No, at 3:00 I have 700 children leaving."

"How about 11:00?"

"11 works just fine.  I'll be there."

So, I get there at 10:45.  The receptionist puts me in the room, but says that the doctor is running behind, so I may have to wait a little while.  I'm patient and that's perfecly fine with me.  About 30 seconds pass and I the doctor comes in.  I am surprised, as it's still not even 11:00. 

She wants to know what's going on, and I explain.  She checked out where the pain is, which incidently is located at where I believe is my kidney (which explains the urologist).  She tells me that it's not neuro pain.  Neuro pain is more generalized and not so specific. 

Clearly, she is cranky.  I'm not positive if she was cranky with me, or with the other doctors for saying they thought it was neuro.  I think it was a little of both.  Either way, the appointment ended with her telling me that it wasn't neuro and that puts me right back where I started.

She did refer me to another doctor - a neuro urologist.  I have NO FREAKEN clue what that specialty means.  I figure it must mean she is prett smart.  She must also be good, if this doctor recommends her.  I called to schedule an appointment and the next available appointment isn't until November.  November.  Good gravy train.  I didn't make the appointment. 

First, if I am in this pain from now until November, I reckon its possible I will go crazy.  Second, I did see a urologist - even if it wasn't a neuro urologist.  He cleared me, and in the process did some crazy tests.  I'm not really a big fan of being subject to those crazy tests again just so some other doctor can come up with the same conclusion.  It's not urological.

Except it feels like it is, and maybe I will just schedule that appointment after all.

30 letters in 30 days - day 3

Dear Sibling,

I love you.  I was ridiculously happy the day you were born.  I remember as a child, wishing on a star for a sibling.  My mom laughed and said, "fat chance."  I thought she was right, and I was incredibly sad.  All I wanted in this world was a baby sister.

And then, you came along.  I was amazed.  I was so happy and I couldn't wait for the moment you were born.  I was only 11 years old, but I felt very grown up.  Dad called me at school to tell me the moment you were born.  I was in music class.  The phone rang and then the teacher told me to go to the office.  I was a little worried. 

When I walked in the door, everyone in there was looking at me.  I felt very conspicuous.  The secretary caled me over to her desk and told me I had a phone call.  I said, "hello."  Your dad responded.

He just said, "hang on," and then I could hear the phone rattling.  The next sound I heard was crying.  Your beautiful, wonderful crying.  I screamed, probably louder than necessary considering I was in the school's office.  It was the most amazing sound ever.  It was close to the end of the school day, but not close enough for me.  I wanted to get to the hospital immediately to see you.

Now, you are all grown up.  I still think of you as a baby, and yet you are married.  You are only 22 years old, and yet so responsible.  I'm so proud of how smart you are and how you have life together.  You inspire me.

I love you!

Dear Second Sibling,
You were as amazing as the first.  I was so excited to find out I was going to have a second sibling.  Even more excited to find out that this time it was going to be a little boy.

Even as a little boy, it was very clear that you were special.  I don't mean special in a bad way.  You were amazing.  You were so loving, forgiving, and good natured.  You were a little slower than other children, but your love more than made up for that.

As a teenager, I learned that you had Asperger's Syndrome.  That made a lot of sense and seemed to fit you.  It made me love you even more.  I know that life can be challenging for you, and I often wish I could solve all your problems myself.  I want to make you world just a little bit better.

As an adult, you still are the most loving person I know.  You love unconditionally and give fully of yourself.  I want to be like you in so many ways.  I learn so much from you.  I love you dearly.  I hope you get all you want in this world, you deserve it!

Monday, August 15, 2011

30 letters in 30 days - day 2

Dear Crush.

You don't exist right now.  Which is weird, because I almost always have a crush.  I haven't had any serious relationships in recent years, but there's always a crush.  Usually it's a teacher, or some other professional in my life.  Ok, always it's a teacher.  I have a thing for teachers.  My own, or others, it doesn't matter, but when I hear someone is a teacher, that does it for me.  Some people are into eyes, or legs, or types of cars that are driven, me...its teachers.

So, not even a crush right now....I didn't even realize it until I saw that day 2's letter was to a crush.  I started to think about it and realized I didn't have one.  This letter shall then turn into a letter for my next crush.

I miss having you around in my life.  I miss that giddy little feeling I get when I see my crush.  I'm not looking for a serious relationship...I just want that excitement back in life. 

Where will I find you again?  I'll keep an eye out...I'm sure I'll catch you somewhere.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

30 letters in 30 days

I found this website with 30 letters to write in 30 days...I've been looking for some sort of inspiration, something to write about besides MS, and this seems like the perfect starting place.  I don't know if I'll really be able to write one letter a day, but I can try :) 

Dear Best Friend,

I love you....I've always loved you.  You can be crazy, emotional, quick-to-fly-off-the-handle, and yet I love having you in my life.  I learn from you every day.  I admire your sense of adventure.  I love that you can things I would never think move across the country on a whim with no plan in mind.

I love that you care so much about me.  I love that you want me to be happy and healthy.  I know you worry, and I try really hard to not make you worry so much.

I know you always speak your mind...sometimes it makes me crazy...I just wish you'd keep your thoughts to yourself...but I know you do what's best.  When our mutual friends thought I had MS, they shared it with each other, but never with me.  You were the one who shared that crucial bit of information.  I, of course, did not believe you, but you were willing to break the bad news.  I appreciate that.

Thank you for being in my life.  Please don't leave again....I need you around!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

thoughts to live by

Tonight I stumbledupon this:
  1. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
  2. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
  3. You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
  4. Nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect.  Nobody has it easy.  You never know what people are going through.  Every one of us has issues.  So don’t belittle yourself or anyone else.  Everybody is fighting their own unique war.
  5. Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak.  Since birth, it has always been a sign that you’re alive and full of potential.
  6. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.  (Read Unstoppable.)
  7. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
  8. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness.  Let it go.
  9. Making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  Start small.  Start now.
  10. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
  11. Never let success get to your head, and never let failure get to your heart.
  12. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
  13. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
  14. You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
  15. Give up worrying about what others think of you.  What they think isn’t important.  What is important is how you feel about yourself.
  16. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
  17. When other people treat you poorly, keep being you.  Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are.
  18. You have to accept that some things will never be yours, and learn to appreciate the things that are only yours.
  19. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by.  But that feeling is a lie.  And if you just hold on, someone will find you and help make it better.  Because we all need a little help sometimes – someone to help us hear the music in our world.  To remind us that it won’t always be this way.  That someone is out there right now.
  20. Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone.  Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will transpire only after you dare to lose.
  21. Sometimes we accidentally allow small problems to escalate and dominate our lives.  If we get overcharged a few cents, it is irritating, but don’t let it ruin your day.  There will always be small issues that irritate us; the secret is to be able to give them the miniscule level of importance they deserve.
  22. Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.  (Read The Dip.)
  23. Ask yourself whether each of your relationships drags you down or lifts you up.  Surrounding yourself with positive, loving people is half the battle of living a happy, successful life.
  24. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress.
  25. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a good read, a good walk, a good hug, a good smile, or a good friend.
  26. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future for too long.  Right now is life.  Live it.
  27. No matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say.  So just say what you need to say.
  28. In order to be creative, we must lose our fear of being wrong.
  29. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck.
  30. To be great does not mean you have to dominate others.  It means you have to dominate your own potential.
  31. If you are passionate about something, pursue it, no matter what anyone else thinks.  That’s how dreams are achieved.
  32. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
  33. Forgiveness is one of the primary keys to happiness.
  34. The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives your adversaries more insane than seeing you smile.
  35. Stay positive when negativity surrounds you.  Smile when others frown.  It’s an easy way to make a difference.
  36. If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.
  37. Don’t regret intimate relationships that don’t work out.  Because they will only help you find the right partner for you, and better appreciate them for everything they do and everything they are.
  38. What lies before us and behind us are tiny matters when compared to what lies within us.
  39. The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists.  It rewards people who get things done.  And the only way to get things done is to be imperfect 99% of the time.
  40. Never lie – not even a white lie!  When you steer away from the truth, you steer away from your soul.  Be honest, be real and tell the truth.  This awareness forces you to make better choices and be a stronger person.
  41. Feelings, good and bad, always come and go.
  42. Don’t get caught up in wasted potential from years past.  Potential is all we ever have.
  43. We are not alone.  No matter how bizarre or embarrassed or pathetic we feel about our own situation, there will be others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say “I am all alone,” it is your mind trying to sell you a lie so you will continue to feel sorry for yourself.
  44. It is okay to be angry.  It is never okay to be cruel.
  45. Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
  46. Mistakes teach you important lessons.  Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal.  The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
  47. Money is a renewable resource.  If you lose some money, don’t sweat it.  You can always make more.  However, if you spend valuable time stressing over money, or lost opportunity, you’ll never get that time back.  Time is more valuable than money – time is the greatest constituent of life.
  48. Never let people know that they got to you.  Ignore them.  Hold your head up high and pretend all their negative remarks don’t even phase you, and someday they actually won’t.
  49. There is nothing to hold you back except you.  And there is only one question to ask yourself: “What would you do if you were not afraid?”  Think about it.
  50. Life is way more enjoyable when you stop trying to be cool and simply focus on being yourself.
  51. It’s often hard to tell just how close you are to success.
  52. When you spend time worrying, you’re simply using your imagination to create things you don’t want.
  53. No matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be.  Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.
  54. You must see things how they are instead of how you hoped, wished, or expected them to be.
  55. Even when you feel like you have nothing, someone else likely has far less.  Find them and help them.  You’ll see why.
  56. Laughter is the best medicine for stress.  Laugh at yourself often.  Find the humor in whatever situation you’re in.
  57. If you want to feel rich, just count all the great things you have that money can’t buy.
  58. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
  59. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
  60. You can press forward long after you can’t.  It’s just a matter of wanting it bad enough.
  61. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.  You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work.  But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.  Sometimes you just have to go for it!
  62. If it were easy everyone would do it.  This is why get rich quick schemes will never be true.  If it was so quick and easy then everyone would be millionaires.  Accomplishing great things is hard work, but well worth it.
  63. Notice and cherish life’s surprises.  Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for.
  64. Be vulnerable.  Allow yourself to feel, to be open and authentic.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around you and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.  This is how you welcome new opportunities.
  65. You must create and look for opportunities.  Opportunities rarely ever come knocking on the door of someone who’s not seeking them.  You have to create and seek opportunities for yourself.  You have to take the initiative to get the ball rolling and the doors opening.
  66. If it’s out of your control, why fret about it?  Concentrating on things you can control is how you make good things happen.
  67. Saying “no” to right people gives you the time and resources required to say “yes” to right opportunities.  (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
  68. No matter how much progress you make there will always be the people who insist that whatever you’re trying to do is impossible. Or they may incessantly suggest that the idea or dream as a whole is utterly ridiculous because nobody really cares. When you come across these people, don’t try to reason with them. Instead, forget that they exist. They will only waste your time and energy.
  69. If you spend 80% of your time focusing on the problem and only 20% on the solution, what do you think is going to happen?
  70. No matter how badly you think your life may be going, or how messed up you think you are, there is at least one thing you are doing right in your life or you wouldn’t be alive reading this.
  71. A problem is a chance for you to learn.
  72. The greatest struggle is to be something different from what the average man is.
  73. In times of great stress, it’s always wise to keep busy, to plow your anger and frustration into something positive.
  74. One thing is for sure: Regardless of the situation, life goes on.
  75. Everyone wants a perfect ending.  But over the years I’ve learned that some of the best poems don’t rhyme, and many great stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, or end.  Life is about not knowing, embracing change, and taking a moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next.

August in New England

August in New England is my favorite month of the year.  It's still summer, so I get to do all the things I love...admitingly, its nearing the end of camp and that always comes with a feeling of relief.  The nights are cool for perfect sleeping, but the days are still warm for playing outside.  The sun isn't up quite so early, but there are still long days.  I can wear a hoodie in the morning, and then shed it as soon as it gets warm.  The world is just a better place in August.

I think August is helping me to cope better, at least psychologically.  I'm still in horrible pain, all of the time and that is definitly messing with my head.  I think I'd even be ok with it, if someone knew what it was, but so far nothing.  The urologist and my primary both have decided it must be neuro....which if I didn't have MS, would make me think was just a fancy doctor way of saying, "it's all in your head."

But I do have MS, and I suspose that's a possibilty.  Which the really sucky part is that if it really is neuro, that means there's nothing they can do about it.  That's the part that blows.  At least if it was a kidney stone, or soemthing "real" they could fix it. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Easy Exercises to Keep Your Brain in Shape

Easy Exercises to Keep Your Brain in Shape

I think I'm gonna try this. It can't hurt, right?

Rainy Days for the MS bike run

So, today was the MS bike run.  It was also a very wet day with rain would start to settle down a bit, and then pour again.  That's not so condusive to motorcycles.  There wasn't a very large turnout.  There was a some, maybe 20, but no where near the number I saw in the video last year.

So, I'm still in my I-hate-the-medical-profession mood and I really hate MS, but I tried to just shake it all off for today.  I didn't want to be there and miserable.  That was fairly successful.  But then it looked like I wasn't going to be able to get a ride.  With not many riders, and those that were singles were happy to be singles in this rain, that meant no ride for me.

My family said that I could try again next year.  I said, "ugh, that means I'm going to have to MS a whole another year."

Um, duh!  I played it off like a joke, but when it first came out of my mouth, I think I was serious.  What the heck was I thinking?  That's definitly ridiculous.

And there was this really cute kid whose mom was in charge of selling tshirts.  Her was going around with a shirt, presumably to try and sell it.  He asked my brother in law if he wanted the shirt.  He told him he could have it for free.  We informed him we thouht he was meant to sell them, not give them away.  He really seemed surprised by that.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

too much

My tonsil hurts again.  That seems so simple and yet that is what set me over the edge into everything else.

It's been too much.  It just feels like there is always something and it causes something else.  I'm so over it.

So, I have the steriods for the relapse.  Pretty basic.  Day 2, my lower back is killing me.  They do a urinalysis and find blood in my urine.  They think its kidney stones.

I go for a CTScan.  There are no kidney stones.  There are however, gallstones.

My PCP is on vacation, so the covering doctor sends me to a urologist.  I was very confused about this, as I didn't think they handled gallbladders, but went.  They don't, but he was worried about the blood in the urine.  He catherized me, which freaked me out ridiculously.  Next week he wants to do something where it sticks a camera up to see the inside of your bladder, which he has filled with water.

He also said the pain could be from this and not the gallstones.  At least that gets somewhere.  But he isn't positive.  He also think my bladder is having trouble because of my MS.  He kept going on and on about how MS can effect bladders and this is a typical thing and yadda yadda yadda.  I'd really wished I just never told him I had MS.

So, and I know my thinking is definitly illogical now, but I feel like I'm done with doctors and this MS crap.  It just seems the more I go and try with deal with something, the more things that they either find, or become wrong.  I just want to quit them all, and go back to my life where I NEVER went to the doctor.  I got a physical every other year and maybe strep throat.  But going to the doctor was not part of my routine. 

The MS bike run is tomorrow.  I was so ridiculously excited for it.  I still am, if I get to ride on a bike.  But I am not excited about seeing people who have these great relationships with the MS center and their doctors and all that jazz.  I don't want anyone to ask me how I am, and either just say that I'm great, or tell them I'm done with all this MS stuff.  I don't want to see my doctor, of whom I normally love.  She's just one of them right now.  I don't want to see that MS nurse, because her I would tell how I feel and she'll try to talk me out of it.  Pretty much, I just need to keep a happy face on and not mention how I feel.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

another turning point, the fork stuck in the road

So, I don't have kidney stones.  I have gall stones.  I figure at least that's not a pertinent organ.

Monday, August 1, 2011


I can't seem to balance work and health, no matter how hard I try.

I finished the last dose of steriods today.  That's good, right.

Bad news, still have this kidney thing going on.  It's ridiculously painful and driving me nuts.  Thing is, they got me a CTScan tomorrow at 3:20.  That's the WORST possible time in the world.  But I am in so much pain, so do I go, and just look worse at my job, or skip it and stay in agonizing pain longer.