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Saturday, July 23, 2011

questions that don't have answers

"I just try to remember GOD picked us strong people because an ordinary person couldn't manage and deal with this disease!!"

Someone posted this on a MS message board.  It was in a category labeled "guilt" and is totally meant to be inspirational and uplifting. 

That's not how I take it, at least today.  I'm mad that I have MS and constantly asking, "why me?"  Which, I know is a useless question.

I feel so hopeless about the future.  I talked to Kay, the MS nurse today.  She is so freaken positive, it's unbelievable.  I just want 1/10th of what she has. She has this incredible spirit and attitude and is just wonderful.  She says to give it a year.  Give it a year to settle and then things will get better.

I wonder if she's right.  I can't see how it can get better.  I feel like I'm a miserable failure at everything I try.  The thing is, I can tell myself to wait a full year.  Evaluate and see how I feel.  But then what?  What do I do after a year if things still arn't better?  I only see impossibilities getting through the next 5 weeks.  How I am going to last 4 months?  And then beyond that...

4 comments:

Lee-Anne said...

Hi Just A Girl. I think the quote you used from the MS Message board should have been more like this... God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I'm not particularly religious and it probably didn't help me when I was fresh and raw. I know I don't know you, but I do read your posts and I think it might be a good time for you to see a counsellor or psychologist just to help you through this terrible time. Your mind is hurt and aching... your nurse is right, give it a year, but it doesn't help you right now when you can't even make out how the next week will pass. I've been there and seeing a psych really and truly helped relieve my mind. Sorry I seem to comment so much. But we sound like peas in a pod. How long have you been diagnosed? Good luck.

Sherri said...

i am coming up on a year... next month is one year from my first major flare...the one causing me permanent damage and a trip to the doc to figure out what was going on...

i have to say that in the year i've had major downs.... lots of crying and self-pity... grieving my old body while trying to welcome my new one... i have thought about long term financial plans...work... insurance... death... i quit school (i'm 46 and so it was alright to quit)

but as i look at my mind set a year ago as compared to that of today... i have to say on some levels it has gotten easier... i still worry about things and still grieve the things that i can no longer do.... i still get pissed off when i drop a full pot of coffee because i had a stupid spasm in my hand...

but somehow, it's become easier to deal with emotionally... i guess that's acceptance...

and i spend a great deal of time making fun of me... that's what helped me the most i think.... finding the humor in all this ridiculous bullshit...

good luck... i know this is incredibly hard... for all of us...

Just a girl with MS said...

Ya know Lee-Anne, I've been thinking about seeing a therapist for quite some time. More to help me sort out my thoughts, but a sane person to help me process is just what I feel I need. I finally made an appointment for this coming weekend.

And Sherri, thanks for the thoughts. I know this is going to get better, and the pack that I'm not feeling well is not helping, but I know one day it will get easier. At least I have to pretend I know, and with luck, the pretending will turn into something real!

Lee-Anne said...

Congrats Just a Girl. I'm proud of ya! Sending you big hugs from sunny Perth, Australia.

I think the worst thing about MS is that everytime you relapse you have to deal with the grief and mental anguish again. But I am pretty sure (unfortunately) that this gets a little bit more routine in that you know what to expect and this lessens the blow the next time...

Oh Just a Girl, remember that if you don't like your therapist there are others. It's a bit like trying on dresses in many respects. xx