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Sunday, April 29, 2012

whine whine whine whine whine

So, I'm in the hospital.  I can't pee.  Like my bladder feels full and all, just nothing comes out.  ITS ANNOYING.

So, I've had a foley cath in for a while, that sucks even more.  It's out now and they are trying to see if the ability to pee has returned.  Dear God I hope so.


In the hospital. Can't pee. Have a foley cathedar. UNHAPPY about it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

crazy day

So, I'm having a bit of a stressful day, but it has NOTHING to do with MS or mental health.  That to me, is actually VERY GOOD.

Now if the stupid people I work with would understand I am just ONE PERSON and not capable of everything on their list of things for me to do, that would be fabulous!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Religion is like a penis. It's ok to have and be proud of, but please don't whip it out in public or try to shove it down my throat.

Oi Vei - this guy came up to me at the grocery store - in the parking lot - trying to tell me how much God loved me and how I can be saved with Jesus's blood.  He spent quite a long time trying to sell me on this, and all I could think was that I wanted him to shut up.  I appreciate when others have God in their life, and I'm grateful when they tell me about it when I ask - but I'm not a fan of strangers forcing me to listen to their ramblings.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition”

Sundays are my typical think about my life, stress, have anxiety, etc.

Lately, Sundays have been thinking about therapy.  I wonder what my therapist would say to the things I’m thinking.  I’m good at telling her things in my head.  I’m not very good at knowing how she’ll respond.  I know it will be positive and “the glass is half full” kind of things, but I don’t really know what she will specifically say.  I will say, if she could bill me for all the time I spend thinking about her, she’s be a freaken billionaire.

That brings me to transference.  I’ve read a lot about it while I’m googling for things.  According to what I’ve read, I should either wish she was my mother and love me unconditionally, or have romantic feelings towards her.

First, she’s younger than me, so the mother thing just doesn’t pan out for me.  The romance – I’m a little skeptical about that too.  First, I don’t think she knows I’m a lesbian.  I’ve never actually said, “oh, I’m a lesbian.”  She could quite possibility have figured it out, and I’m sure it will come up at some point, but in the mean time, I’m not inclined to make it a big deal out of it.

As for her – I don’t think I even have a crush on her.  She’s cool, don’t get me wrong.  I think about her a lot, which is typically the signs of a crush.  But I don’t think of her in that capacity.  I don’t think of her in the bedroom, so to speak.  She’s totally my type – pretty low maintenance, no make-up, kind of thing, but she’s my therapist.  I think she’d be cool to hang out with, as a friend, but that’s about it.  And even that – I’m grateful she lives rather far away from me.  I’ll never accidently run into her at the grocery store or gas station – and that’s a good thing.  It would be so awkward. 

Now, moving on, I generally come up with some categories of things stressing me out or occupying my mind for when we meet.  The day we actually meet, I’m surprisingly calm and level headed, so its good for me to have things on my mind that had been a problem, even if that day they aren’t bothering me.

Today, I’ve kind of made even broader categories than normal.  It’s just feeling like the things left to talk about are the really difficult ones.  The things I don’t even want to admit to myself, never mind out loud, to another person.

First, I want to talk about termination.  I’ve never actually terminated with a therapist the correct way.  I’ve always just stopped going.  I generally feel guilty about that.  I want to do it right.

The reasons behind wanting to terminate is the part that makes me think that termination is the last thing I should be thinking about.  I want to terminate because I don’t want to deal with the rest of it.  I want her to think she’s helped me (which she has) and that’s it.  I want to be normal.  I don’t want to go to therapy weekly, and I don’t want to be taking antidepressants.  I want her to think I’m healed.   The logical next step is for me to tell her all the things I don’t want anyone to know…professional or not. 

I’m also scared of feeling this dependence on her.  I think about her all the time.  I don’t think that’s helpful or moving forward in any kind of direction.  I think that’s ridiculous.  I’m afraid it’s going to be get worse.  I’m kind of scared to have a crush on her.  Whether or not that’s normal, I think its unhealthy. 

I also don’t want to talk about the rest of it.  I feel like I’ve got a good handle on the immediate reasons that brought me there in the first place.  I can cope with the little daily things much better now then when I first started going.  The downside of that though, is that there’s other stuff, that I avoid even thinking about.   Without having to think about the daily things, my mind of course wanders to those.  In many ways, I don’t want to share those with her, because I know she will find a way for me to positively deal with them.  One would assume that’s a good thing.

I want to punish myself by having those things there without any resolution though.  I want to feel guilty about them.  I know that no matter how much good I do in this world, I didn’t speak up during those times when I should have, and I should feel bad about it.  This may sound crazy, but I feel  I deserve to suffer with them for the rest of my life.

My therapist

I feel like I’m really meshing with my therapist.  Much better than I did with the previous one.   I don’t dread going to see her.  I think I’d rather not see her, cause needing to see her makes me feel like I’m crazy and somehow, not effective.  The truth though is that I’m not capable of dealing with everything, and seeing her is pretty helpful.

She’s young, younger than me I’m sure.  Once she said something about “being 30,” but I think it was the way one rounds up.  I’m guessing she’s 26 or 27.  I’m 34.  I’ve heard from others that I should be seeing someone with more experience, who has worked with patients with MS before, yadda yadda yadda.  At the end of the day, I like her demeanor, her logic, her people skills.  Someone who has been doing this 40 years might know a bit more about it, but I like her.  I don’t dread going there.  That’s what is most important to me.

I Google things all the time, especially about therapy.  I keep trying to find ways to bring up conversations.  When I was ridiculously stressed out that I didn’t have a suicide plan….and just a way to die, I googled an awful lot about that.  I needed to know that if I shared this with her, she wasn’t going to have me committed to some psych program or call an ambulance or something.  I never really found a concrete answer, but I told her everything that was going on anyway.  Nothing bad happened…it’s just something we talked about.

We did have a difference of opinion, and now that’s I’m feeling more stable, I can see that of course we do.  I was more worried about how I would die.  I wanted to know so that if the time arrived, I’d have a plan in place.  I didn’t necessarily have a time, but I needed to know a plan.  The biggest concern for me was HOW.  For her, it was WHY needing that how was so important.  I’m not sure what I was hoping to get out of it, I mean I knew, even if my chaotic state, that she wasn’t going to give me pointers. 

Anyway, I feel that that was perhaps to hardest conversation to have with her.  Probably not the most awkward – that will be the sex conversation – if and when we ever have it.  But it was the hardest, and it happened. 

When I first started seeing her, it was every two weeks.  Since that whole freak out week, it’s been weekly.  I kind of like it, in that I know I am going to see her if something comes up.  I don’t have to stress and I don’t have to make that dreaded phone call of asking for an appointment during an off week.  Perhaps we will soon go back to every two weeks.


Things that make me happy

* Sunshine
* Reading a book while sitting in the sunshine, when its not too hot, of course
* Easter Candy - 75% off
* A Few Good Men
         Lt. Weinberg: You've heard her. The girl sat here, pointed and said, "Pa." She did. She said, "Pa."
         Kaffee: She was pointing at a mailbox, Sam.
         Lt. Weinberg: That's right. She was pointing as if to say, "Pa, look, a mailbox."
* Cranberry Pomegrante Juice
* Clementines
* Draw Something

Monday, April 16, 2012

wasted time

I've spent three hours listening to a guy try to sell me a vaccuum.  Waste of time, but all my carpets have been cleaned well and shampooed.  I can't complain.

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, its when you don't understand yourself.

I've been trying to write a blog post for days.  I keep getting caught up on my words and don't know what direction I want to go, or how much I want to share. 

I'll just say what I need to say in easy bullet points...

* I'm feeling - guilty? - from last week's therapy....weird...
* It was hot today - that's never good.  Have to keep the cooling vest ready for the week I guess
* I finally cleaned my house.  It's rather nice.
* Next week is vacation week.  That means I'm going to be exhausted - but hopefully can stop thinking about all that is wrong and just be for the week.
* The company I ordered shirts for our MS walk donated to my team.  I thought that was rather nice.
* I've given up drinking Coke in my home.  I'll still have it when I'm out, but I'm sticking to water at home.  I think it makes me feel better.
* I finally did my taxes yesterday.  It's about freaken time.
* I want to bring up the subject of sex with my therapist - but it feels really awkward.
* I've messed up big time with a work thing...but I think I can fix it, so stress is low about it now
* I took a "nap" today from 6-9pm.  Going to sleep tonight is going to be challenging.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Health Activist Writer's Month Challenge.

So, I just saw this on someone's blog, and I'm quite sorry I didn't see it earlier in the month. Anyway, today's challenge:

Theme song. Imagine your health focus or blog is getting its own theme song. What would the lyrics be? What type of music would it be played to?

My theme song would totally be upbeat...make you want to dance around and sing along.  It would be like the theme song from Friend's, Gilmore Girls or Dawson's Creek.

The lyrics would probably refer to my always different mood. Sometimes I'm really happy....othertimes, I'm pretty hopeless.  It's all part of me and who I am.  Ohhhh, maybe the song would inclue the song, "Who I am"

Sunday, April 8, 2012

technical question

How come with the new blogger, it isn't entering my paragraphs for me. I don't know HTML codes...

light at the end of the tunnel

I'm feeling pretty good. Actually, remarkably good.
I'm choosing not to think too much about it. If I do, I might realize that's it's not real. But I feel like it is. I got this book, from the Avonex people. When I first got it, I glanced at it, and all I saw was these hopeful sentiments. They annoyed me. I put it down and didn't pick it up again until last night. Now, today, I can't put it down. It's not like a novel, I have to keep reading to find out what's more like a text book, but interesting. I'm finding it honest and straight forward. I find its very real. In many ways, it's comforting. I think there is actually quite a bit of it I can use. It will help me to feel better when I get bleak again.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

•"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

To Kill a Mockingbird is on TV tonight. I LOVE this movie. I loved the book even more. I had to read it in 12th grade English. The first night, we had to read the first chapter. I couldn't put it down. I just kept reading and reading until I finished the book in the wee hours of the night. The next day, we had a quiz on what we read, to make sure we read it. I failed. I kept getting things that happened later in the book confused. My teacher knew I read the whole thing, but still, I got the answers wrong. Every day I failed the quiz, because I kept mixing up parts of the story. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to just re-read the part that was assigned that night. That would have been sense.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Of the many contradictions that exist in the world, the contrast between love and hate is perhaps the starkest.

I can't decide if I love my therapist or hate my therapist. Either way, I went tonight and brough up most (not all) of everything on my mind. I guess I need to think about it and process everything before I really decide how I feel. I mean, I don't feel like anything is solved, but I wouldn't expect it to after talking to her about it once. I just feel relieved that it's out there. It's no longer a burden I'm keeping all to myself. That's the good thing.

Another time, another place

It's only 2:00 and already it's a bad day.

1. My sister miscarried.
2. Parents in my program are idiots.
3. Stupid staff drama.
4. I'm stuck while trying to do my stupid taxes.
5. New debit card still hasn't come.

And I'm seeing therapist tonight. I had all the gumption in the world to talk about everything, and now I don't even wanna go.

At least I'm running program for kids in a bit. That always makes me feel better.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

It's only Wednesday??

Geez. This week is going slow. I saw my new camp today, or at least the location we're going to be in. It's lovely!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

April 3, 2012

Today would have been my mom's 63rd birthday. It's the first birthday since she passed. The day was not as difficult as I thought it would be.

I've been going kinda nuts since Saturday. I've never had a panic attack, but it kind of felt like a big long 48 hour panic attack. I seem to think panic attacks can't last that long, but it was definitly weird. I couldn't think, function, anything.

That's when I started fretting about everything with therapy. I know the exact issues that keeps pestering me. I also know, I never bring it up. I feel like, if I just do, I might be able to move past it.

I texted a friend on Monday morning. I asked her if it was weird for me to call my therapist to schedule an appointment for this week. I didn't have one this week (I've been going every two weeks). She responded and said that is what I was suppose to do. She said they knew issues didn't just come up every two weeks.

So, I called her. I was in a very precarious place, and couldn't speak much without crying. I got her voicemail. I left a message, that wasn't detailed, but said I wanted to know if she had any openings this week. She's only at the office in my town one day a week, so its pretty logical she might be full.

Anyway, she called me back. I was pretty brief, but scheduled an appointment. Now, for bringing up everything I've been thinking. I've toyed with the idea of writing her a letter, but that feels odd.

The good news, is that she knows this isn't regularly scheduled. If fact, I've said specifically, I didn't need to come every week. So, at the very least I'll have to explain the reasoning.

I've narrowed down all the immediate concerns to 5 specific things. I don't actually think we'll get to talk about all 5, but if I get them out, at least she'll know if I'm avoiding them in the future. Hopefully, we can talk about one or two of them Thursday.

Here's hoping.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Spring sprung, then left

I've not updated in quite some time. That's partially because I'm pretty good and things are stable and partly cause I feel so miserable I don't even want to write it.

So, I've been seeing this therapist now for a few months. I really like her. She's easy to talk and I find her input on things very helpful. She's not all "how do you feel about that?" but actually chimes in with her own stories and experiences. I enjoy talking to her.

The problem is, I don't actually talk to her about the real problems. I talk about work and problems there and that sort of thing, but really, its pretty basic stuff that I can handle.

The real problems - they are much harder to just bring up. And if I don't bring them up, we dont' talk about them. Last week, I had decided that I really wanted to start to bring up the real stuff going on. I knew it was going to be impossible to bring up. So, I thought about writing it down, in a letter to her.

That's was a great idea until I pictured actually giving her the letter. That's when I decided not to write the letter and just be ballsy enough to bring it up. I didn't.

Now, its high on my mind again, and I've got to find a way to bring it up.