proud

I'm so ridiculously proud of myself tonight.  I brought up a subject that I've been struggling with a lot lately in therapy today.  It was so hard to bring up, and I stumbled and stuttered and muttered around, but I brought it up.

It's a pretty big deal for me.  It seems silly, and one should be able to talk about anything in therapy, but that's not me.  And therapy started, and we made small talk and talked about the holidays, and I thought I could carry on and not bring up the topic I was avoiding.

Then, I just told her I had something to talk about that was really difficult for me.  She was patient, kind and just let me ramble, for what seemed like forever.  (I have to give her credit - someone pussy footing around like I was would drive me insane.  Totally not a profession I could ever do!)

And finally, I spit it out.  It's not even someone I would post on here, but I guess I feel better about it.  At the very least, I talked with someone who wasn't judgemental about it, and just listened to me.  She wasn't (at least that I could tell) horrified or appalled by it.  She just listened, and offered a perspective I hadn't thought of.

I guess, it's still there and still something that worries me.  But it's not a burden that I am carrying all by myself.  I'm going to be ok.

I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5; crazy slowing going am I, 5-4-3-2-1.

I wonder if I'm going nuts right now.  I'm pretty sure its the steroids, but I am on such an emotional roller coaster.  EVERYTHING is getting under my skin.  I'm ridiculously happy one moment, and blubbering like an idiot the next.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach.  I'm seeing things that aren't really there.  I can't focus.  It's ridiculous.

And it all boils down to the fact that I hate Multiple Sclerosis.  I try to down play it.  When folks at work ask how I am, or why I'm at work when I was just in the hospital yesterday, I shrug it off.  I say it's just MS, not a big deal.

I texted my therapist tonight to let her know I might be late for my appointment tomorrow - because infusion took FOREVER today.  Then, before she answered, I was able to move the infusion appointment earlier so it wouldn't matter.  She responded and said she was sorry to hear I wasn't feeling well.

I couldn't even answer that.  My gut instinct was to just shrug it off, but with her, I really shouldn't.  If anyone gets the real feelings I am having, it should be her.  Although, I know I don't even want to share that, but certainly not via text.  It can wait until tomorrow.

I just hate MS.  I think I'd rather have about any other disease, or even better - none at all.  But a disease that predictable, that would be so nice.  One that I would know what to expect, and when - that would be so nice.

Instead, I have this disease that things seem to hit me out of no where.  It effects EVERYTHING, and I even wonder if its making my mood this bad.  I've never felt so discouraged before.  My thinking is slow, my reactions are slow.  My mood is so blessed down, and that I don't even know if its the MS or just the dealing with MS that makes it so.  Either way, MS is the problem, and I really need to find a way to deal with it before it consumes me.

Dreams are free therapy, consult your inner Freud.

I haven't updated much about therapy lately.  I still struggle with it.  In many ways, I still feel like I hold back and censor myself, which then, of course leads me to believe that it isn't working and it just becomes a vicious cycle.

However, last week in therapy, I talked about how I've been feeling so stagnant lately.  I've just felt nothing - good or bad.  I also mentioned that I don't think I dream - or at least don't remember the dreams.

This leads me to, a long time ago, I read a blog by someone that was in therapy.  She was talking about the homework her therapist gave her.  It sounded interesting.  Ok, I can be the true dork I am here.  It sounded cool.  When I read about it, I kind of wished my therapist gave me homework.

She never has, not even mentioned it.  But the inner dork in me would actually like it.

Back to my story - that night, after therapy last week, I had a dream, that I remembered in the morning (!) that my therapist gave me homework and I was doing it.  One assignment had to do with drawing with my eyes closed.  I was brilliantly talented in artwork with my eyes closed.

I woke up rather happy.  From the homework and from the art.  It was cool and quite a feeling.

Anyway, I mentioned it today, although I didn't quite explain how great it made me feel.  I don't want to be the dork that points out how much I'd enjoy homework.  But, I would.  So, I found some myself.  Some are even too dorky for me (the one that tells you to print positive messages out and hang them on your mirror to read daily) but others I found, I think will be kind of helpful.

Perhaps, I'll even mention to her that I found them.

World Mental Health Day

 

It's Thursday.  Thursday means I'm visiting my therapist.

I often think about what we will talk about Wednesday night.  Sometimes, I forgot I'm going and then stress about what to think of.  I usually have an idea, but often try to avoid talking about that as long as I can.

I enjoy hearing about her.  She's starting her own private practice, and I find it fascinating.  Eventually, when it gets big, I imagine I won't see her anymore.  That thought kind of makes me sad, but for now, I'm not worried about it.  With some luck, I won't need to see her anymore by then anyway.

Tomorrow is my next visit.  I haven't been feeling physically well lately, MS related and most likely a kidney infection.  I'm choosing not to treat it.  That's totally a mental health issue and while I'd be content to bring it up, I know I really should.

I don't know what she is going to say.  I'm quite positive she will want me to call my doctor.  I know she won't understand why I don't want to, and if I try to explain it, I'm going to end up crying.  I realize therapy is a great place to cry and yadda yadda yadda, but I HATE crying in there.   She doesn't judge or anything if I do, just offers some Kleenex, but still, I HATE it.  It feels awkward and ridiculous.

I'm going to have to find the courage to bring this up tomorrow - and then hope for the best. I can't even predict where or how the conversation will go.

In the book of life, the answers arn't in the back. -Charlie Brown

I've had MS almost 2 years now.  It'll be my two year anniversary on the one year anniversary of my mom's death.  That's gonna be kinda weird.  But, as far as MS is concerned, I've learned a lot.  I enjoy talking to folks who are newly diagnosed, or close to a diagnosis.

Since I got MS, I have learned that sometimes, I just have to suck it up and move along.  I can't expect to always feel good, but if I can keep my head on right, I feel better.

That's not always easy.  I catch myself feeling sorry for myself far more often than I would like to.  I catch myself using MS as an excuse when I'm tired or lazy.

But, things are getting better.  I would say I have more good days than bad days now.  I would say the biggest challenge for me with MS is my mental health, but I'm learning how to cope.  The physical symptoms are easier to deal with then the mental ones, but I'm learning.

I attribute a lot of that to my therapist.  She's pretty cool. 

Her name is Danielle - Danielle D'amato -  if anyone is looking for a great therapist in Massachusetts.  There's been quite a few times when I see something, and I can only see it in this tunnel vision mindset.  She calls it a black or white thinking, but then she brings up another side of it, or another way of looking at it, and I leave feeling shocked.  Except, she's right and its all in the way I am approaching something.  And all of a sudden things feel so much clearer and much more logical.

She has many locations, mine in Western MA and then another near where I used to live.  Then, she's opening her own place someplace completely different.  It's kind of impressive.  I personally would be terrified of all that, but it seems to suit her.

She's young.  I figure kind of idealistic.  The way I used to be - her about therapy, me about camping.  I miss that thought process.  When I thought anything was possible.  Then this whole MS thing hit, and all that idealism was shattered.  I feel like maybe, its coming back.  Perhaps with a bit more realism, but it's totally coming back.


Some days I feel broken.  Completely broken in spirit, mind and body.  When I tell her about it though, whatever it was seems ridiculous - and it really was.  I started thinking she should "fix" me, but really, it's about me changing my thinking.  She's not really fixing me, just adjusting how I process things. 

Paris needs no embellishment

I'm such a WIMP!

My therapist

I feel like I’m really meshing with my therapist.  Much better than I did with the previous one.   I don’t dread going to see her.  I think I’d rather not see her, cause needing to see her makes me feel like I’m crazy and somehow, not effective.  The truth though is that I’m not capable of dealing with everything, and seeing her is pretty helpful.

She’s young, younger than me I’m sure.  Once she said something about “being 30,” but I think it was the way one rounds up.  I’m guessing she’s 26 or 27.  I’m 34.  I’ve heard from others that I should be seeing someone with more experience, who has worked with patients with MS before, yadda yadda yadda.  At the end of the day, I like her demeanor, her logic, her people skills.  Someone who has been doing this 40 years might know a bit more about it, but I like her.  I don’t dread going there.  That’s what is most important to me.

I Google things all the time, especially about therapy.  I keep trying to find ways to bring up conversations.  When I was ridiculously stressed out that I didn’t have a suicide plan….and just a way to die, I googled an awful lot about that.  I needed to know that if I shared this with her, she wasn’t going to have me committed to some psych program or call an ambulance or something.  I never really found a concrete answer, but I told her everything that was going on anyway.  Nothing bad happened…it’s just something we talked about.

We did have a difference of opinion, and now that’s I’m feeling more stable, I can see that of course we do.  I was more worried about how I would die.  I wanted to know so that if the time arrived, I’d have a plan in place.  I didn’t necessarily have a time, but I needed to know a plan.  The biggest concern for me was HOW.  For her, it was WHY needing that how was so important.  I’m not sure what I was hoping to get out of it, I mean I knew, even if my chaotic state, that she wasn’t going to give me pointers. 

Anyway, I feel that that was perhaps to hardest conversation to have with her.  Probably not the most awkward – that will be the sex conversation – if and when we ever have it.  But it was the hardest, and it happened. 

When I first started seeing her, it was every two weeks.  Since that whole freak out week, it’s been weekly.  I kind of like it, in that I know I am going to see her if something comes up.  I don’t have to stress and I don’t have to make that dreaded phone call of asking for an appointment during an off week.  Perhaps we will soon go back to every two weeks.

 

Of the many contradictions that exist in the world, the contrast between love and hate is perhaps the starkest.

I can't decide if I love my therapist or hate my therapist. Either way, I went tonight and brough up most (not all) of everything on my mind. I guess I need to think about it and process everything before I really decide how I feel. I mean, I don't feel like anything is solved, but I wouldn't expect it to after talking to her about it once. I just feel relieved that it's out there. It's no longer a burden I'm keeping all to myself. That's the good thing.

Another time, another place

It's only 2:00 and already it's a bad day.

1. My sister miscarried.
2. Parents in my program are idiots.
3. Stupid staff drama.
4. I'm stuck while trying to do my stupid taxes.
5. New debit card still hasn't come.

And I'm seeing therapist tonight. I had all the gumption in the world to talk about everything, and now I don't even wanna go.

At least I'm running program for kids in a bit. That always makes me feel better.