proud

I'm so ridiculously proud of myself tonight.  I brought up a subject that I've been struggling with a lot lately in therapy today.  It was so hard to bring up, and I stumbled and stuttered and muttered around, but I brought it up.

It's a pretty big deal for me.  It seems silly, and one should be able to talk about anything in therapy, but that's not me.  And therapy started, and we made small talk and talked about the holidays, and I thought I could carry on and not bring up the topic I was avoiding.

Then, I just told her I had something to talk about that was really difficult for me.  She was patient, kind and just let me ramble, for what seemed like forever.  (I have to give her credit - someone pussy footing around like I was would drive me insane.  Totally not a profession I could ever do!)

And finally, I spit it out.  It's not even someone I would post on here, but I guess I feel better about it.  At the very least, I talked with someone who wasn't judgemental about it, and just listened to me.  She wasn't (at least that I could tell) horrified or appalled by it.  She just listened, and offered a perspective I hadn't thought of.

I guess, it's still there and still something that worries me.  But it's not a burden that I am carrying all by myself.  I'm going to be ok.

snow is falling

I hate snow still, buts its a Saturday.  And it's flu day.  I timed that one so that I would just sleep though the snow.  Tomorrow, the snow ends, and I will go out and about again.

I feel surprisingly good today.  It's flu day, so I have all that going on, but otherwise good.  I guess the lovely lesions aren't doing much trouble now.  My mental space is good.  I can't complain, but I can go back to sleep while watching TIVOed NCIS.  Life is good!

crazy day

So, I'm having a bit of a stressful day, but it has NOTHING to do with MS or mental health.  That to me, is actually VERY GOOD.

Now if the stupid people I work with would understand I am just ONE PERSON and not capable of everything on their list of things for me to do, that would be fabulous!

light at the end of the tunnel

I'm feeling pretty good. Actually, remarkably good.

I'm choosing not to think too much about it. If I do, I might realize that's it's not real. But I feel like it is. I got this book, from the Avonex people. When I first got it, I glanced at it, and all I saw was these hopeful sentiments. They annoyed me. I put it down and didn't pick it up again until last night. Now, today, I can't put it down. It's not like a novel, I have to keep reading to find out what happens....it's more like a text book, but interesting. I'm finding it honest and straight forward. I find its very real. In many ways, it's comforting. I think there is actually quite a bit of it I can use. It will help me to feel better when I get bleak again.

I'm tired!

Well, I made an appointment with a therapist. I had that appointment today. It wasn't horrible. I think I like her. She's young...probably graduated within the last couple of years.

I liked her much more than that other woman I saw. I hated talking to her. She played the game where she says nothing to make me talk cause I can't stand the awkward silence. Except I work with children. I've mastered the art of awkward silence. I could always outlast her. It wasn't a productive relationship.

This one, I generally enjoyed talking to. It was only the first visit, so just lots of questions and answers, but still, it wasn't bad. I was also fairly honest with her. Which, I kind of have a history of not being completely honest with therapists and the like. I feel silly and then just don't share everything.

There were a couple things I didn't mention, but the really important stuff, I shared honestly. It seems silly, but I was pretty proud.

to tell or not to tell...

So, I'm questioning my mental health again. I guess I'm always wondering about, or at least trying to see where I am. But lately, I know it hasn't been good. I've been preoccupied with negative thoughts, feelings, emotions. Lots of feeling sorry for myself type of thoughts, which never lead to anything good. Yesterday, I was reading about an event happening next fall. Without even realizing, I thought, "oh, I'll have killed myself by then." WHAT??

That's just crazy. I've thought about wanting to die, but not seriously, and certainly no plan or timeline. I'm really not sure where that thought came from, but it was definitly a wake-up call.

The good news is that I'm going to see my doctor this week. The question is, Do I tell her, and how much do I tell?

I'm notorious for not giving all the pertinent information. I'm quite happy to just let folks think all is good, but really, inside I'm a wreck.

I imagine that if I really tell her what's going on, she'll suggest I see a therapist (which isn't a bad idea, and I plan to find one around here). I also think she might take me off Avonex....I was reading their little literature, and it said if I had thoughts of suicide or depression I should tell my doctor immediately. They may decide to stop treatment.

For some reason, that makes me feel like a failure. Stopping the treatment seems bad. I don't even know if its the treatment that is making me feel so messed up.

I know, its life that is really happening. I wonder if MS and Avonex are just making it worse? That is an excellent question for the doctor, and yet, I know I'm going to try to avoid telling her.

When I get there, there will be this little questionaire to fill out. A list of symptoms and check boxes....you check if things are better, the same or worse and its a good way for the doctor to know what to talk to you about.

I can just picture myself checking the same for everything, when in reality, I should check worse. Oh heavenly being, grant me the ability to bring up what is really going on.

emotions

Something came up tonight that has come up recently as well. My cousin said to me, "you are always in conrol, your emotions are always stable."

This past summer, I was critized for the same thing. When I was mad or aggitated, no one knew it. I was always in control of it and just dealt with the situation.

But, that was work. I am meant to be like that at work. I'm the boss. The boss should not be hot headed. At least, I don't think she should.

When my cousin said it though, I really thought about it. My own family thinks that about me. The problem is, I don't think that about me.

I feel like I'm a mess inside. Everything in my head is so jumbled, and I feel like, metaphorically, I don't know which way is up. I'm just trying to get through each day, and yet, to others I come off as stable. Interesting.

they got a file on me and it's a mile long....

And they say that they got all of the proff.  I'm just another case of arrested development, I'm just another wasted youth.

I'm completely in a Meatloaf phase these days.  Most of the time I worry about that, but sometimes I just like to belt out lyrics, really loudly while I am driving.

I could feel a funk coming on this morning too.  Life was good last night.  I saw some good friends from my old camp and catching up was REALLY NICE.  I have missed on of them so much, and to see her was really good for me.

Then, today, I felt it coming.  I wasn't feel particularly well because of my shot last night.  I knew it was happening, because I lied to my friends about how I felt.  Sometimes, I just get sick of complaining.  This morning I also finally looked up those therapists near me that offer evening and weekend appointments.  I really need to call to try and get an appointment with one of them.  I also called the MS nurse, just to chat.  That's always a red flag.  I like to talk to her when I am feeling down.  She's so positive, it always cheers me up.  She wasn't home though.

And then it all hit.  I've been trying so hard to not think the things I think, but it's to no avail.  My thoughts keep going back there.  I'm positive I won't sleep well tonight.  But I will make sure to call those therapists tomorrow.  The sooner I can talk about all this with a qualified health professional, the better.