When everything is quiet, who do you think about?

I think about MS.  I think about what it's done to me and how much I dislike it.

I think about work.  I think about sites that I have a problem at, or sites that need some help.  I think about the staff struggling at the moment, or the kids that are struggling.  I think about everything I have to do on my to-do list.

I wonder if I'm destined to be lonely.

I think about my mom.  I think about the regrets I have, my last times with her, my favorite times I've spent with her, the things she has taught me.

I think about my dad.  I think about his health failing him and how I'm very scared I will one day have to think of him like my mom.

I think about my brother and how responsible and compassionate he has grown to be.  He amazes me frequently.

I think about my sister and her pregnancy.  I worry about her and the baby and I'm sad to be so far away from her during the time.

I think about finances and what bills are coming up. I try to figure out how I'm going to pay them all.

I think about personal things in my life that I need to get done.  Generally, it's cleaning, sending mail, getting an oil change, putting laundry away, taking clothes to Goodwill.

I think about therapy.  I think about the topics that I need to address and I figure out how to bring them up.  I think about how often I think about death in that particular day, week or month.  Then I think about how pessimistic I'm being, and try to put a positive spin on it.

Then I think that I hate quiet time and stop it.  That might be turning on the TV, radio, going online, something, because when everything is quiet, my mind always goes a bad way.

Hurricane Sandy

Geez.  Maybe it really is the end of times.  Last year at this time, we had a snowstorm which caused major havoc for a week or more.  It was unprecedented early for a snowstorm in these parts.

This year, we have Hurricane Sandy.  Unprecedented late and not at all normal for these parts.

First, the school's announced they would be closed.  That was fine.  In that case, we run a snow day program and I was gearing up for that.

Now, my Y has decided they were going to close.  That's definitely not normal, but means a day off for me.  Unfortunately that day off is also the anniversary of mom's death.  Hopefully we'll loose power, and I can just sleep through it.  That would be ideal!

Preparing for Sandy

Last year, at this time, it was the October snowstorm.  Power was out for a week.  There wasn't a ton of snow, but all the leaves were still on the trees, and the snow made trees fall EVERYWHERE.

This year, we have Hurricane Sandy heading our way.  It's not suppose to be as bad at the snowstorm last year, but still a likelihood to loose power and what not.

In preparation, I've filled my gas tank, and am baking all sorts of goodies to eat if I can't actually cook.  I also postponed a shipment of medication in case the power goes out. There's no point in getting it if I don't have power to refrigerate it.  I have tonight's dose, and then they'll call me back on Tuesday to schedule the rest.

It's also been a year since my mom died.  The technical anniversary is Monday.  I miss her, a lot.  I guess I always will.

This past week, I went to one of those MS presentations.  This one had my doctor as the guest speaker though.  That was wicked cool.  My doctor really is amazing.  I'm really glad she's mine.

April 3, 2012

Today would have been my mom's 63rd birthday. It's the first birthday since she passed. The day was not as difficult as I thought it would be.

I've been going kinda nuts since Saturday. I've never had a panic attack, but it kind of felt like a big long 48 hour panic attack. I seem to think panic attacks can't last that long, but it was definitly weird. I couldn't think, function, anything.

That's when I started fretting about everything with therapy. I know the exact issues that keeps pestering me. I also know, I never bring it up. I feel like, if I just do, I might be able to move past it.

I texted a friend on Monday morning. I asked her if it was weird for me to call my therapist to schedule an appointment for this week. I didn't have one this week (I've been going every two weeks). She responded and said that is what I was suppose to do. She said they knew issues didn't just come up every two weeks.

So, I called her. I was in a very precarious place, and couldn't speak much without crying. I got her voicemail. I left a message, that wasn't detailed, but said I wanted to know if she had any openings this week. She's only at the office in my town one day a week, so its pretty logical she might be full.

Anyway, she called me back. I was pretty brief, but scheduled an appointment. Now, for bringing up everything I've been thinking. I've toyed with the idea of writing her a letter, but that feels odd.

The good news, is that she knows this isn't regularly scheduled. If fact, I've said specifically, I didn't need to come every week. So, at the very least I'll have to explain the reasoning.

I've narrowed down all the immediate concerns to 5 specific things. I don't actually think we'll get to talk about all 5, but if I get them out, at least she'll know if I'm avoiding them in the future. Hopefully, we can talk about one or two of them Thursday.

Here's hoping.

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.

In the midst of moving and starting a new job, my mom passed away.  My wonderful, happy, amazing mother.  She drove me crazy, but she always cared 100%.  I was her only child, and she cherished me.  I don't think I ever realized how much I cherished her until she was gone.  It's been 9 days now.  There have been 9 days of my life that she has not been on this planet. 

I miss her terribly.  I would give anything just to be able to talk to her one more time.  To hug her one more time.  To listen to her ramble one more time.  To deal with her pack-rat tendancies one more time. 

I love you mom....I hope you know how much. 

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/hartfordcourant/obituary.aspx?n=barbara-j-gutekenst&pid=154426008

30 letters in 30 days - day 4

Dear Mom,

In many ways, I hope that I've grown up to be just like you, and in other ways, I'm terrified that I've grown up to be just like you.

As a child, I remember how giving of yourself you always seemed to be.  You would dress up in crazy costumes and pass out trinkets, be it flags when you were Betsy Ross, or candy candles as Mrs. Clause, there was always something.  I can't remember a single holiday that you didn't have a costume for.  As a teenager, it embarassed the bejesus out of me.  As an adult, I appreciate it so much more.  It wasn't even about me - it was about making someone else's day.  I love that about you, and I hope I do the same things for others that you always did.

I'm also scared of being like you.   As you, and I, got older, you were sick - all the time.  But hardly really sick...I think you craved the attention and I think other parts of your life got so overwhelming that being sick was a way to deal with those things.  I'm scared the same will be true for me, if it's not already.  I pray I will have the strength to deal with the real issues in my life and not use my MS as an excuse for living.