Welcome 2013

My last thought of 2012 - "Is something really wrong with me?  Am I crazy?  Is there hope for me?"

My first thought of 2013 - "The world would be much better off if I wasn't around anymore.  If I could find the perfect way to die, I totally would."

Ugh.  I hope it's just tiredness, annoyance and fatigue.  In the morning, I hope to feel better.

I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5; crazy slowing going am I, 5-4-3-2-1.

I wonder if I'm going nuts right now.  I'm pretty sure its the steroids, but I am on such an emotional roller coaster.  EVERYTHING is getting under my skin.  I'm ridiculously happy one moment, and blubbering like an idiot the next.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach.  I'm seeing things that aren't really there.  I can't focus.  It's ridiculous.

And it all boils down to the fact that I hate Multiple Sclerosis.  I try to down play it.  When folks at work ask how I am, or why I'm at work when I was just in the hospital yesterday, I shrug it off.  I say it's just MS, not a big deal.

I texted my therapist tonight to let her know I might be late for my appointment tomorrow - because infusion took FOREVER today.  Then, before she answered, I was able to move the infusion appointment earlier so it wouldn't matter.  She responded and said she was sorry to hear I wasn't feeling well.

I couldn't even answer that.  My gut instinct was to just shrug it off, but with her, I really shouldn't.  If anyone gets the real feelings I am having, it should be her.  Although, I know I don't even want to share that, but certainly not via text.  It can wait until tomorrow.

I just hate MS.  I think I'd rather have about any other disease, or even better - none at all.  But a disease that predictable, that would be so nice.  One that I would know what to expect, and when - that would be so nice.

Instead, I have this disease that things seem to hit me out of no where.  It effects EVERYTHING, and I even wonder if its making my mood this bad.  I've never felt so discouraged before.  My thinking is slow, my reactions are slow.  My mood is so blessed down, and that I don't even know if its the MS or just the dealing with MS that makes it so.  Either way, MS is the problem, and I really need to find a way to deal with it before it consumes me.

It's the kind of ngiht

I'm sad
I feel like all is hopeless
I just want to cry

To solve all this, I shall go to bed.

Spring sprung, then left

I've not updated in quite some time. That's partially because I'm pretty good and things are stable and partly cause I feel so miserable I don't even want to write it.

So, I've been seeing this therapist now for a few months. I really like her. She's easy to talk and I find her input on things very helpful. She's not all "how do you feel about that?" but actually chimes in with her own stories and experiences. I enjoy talking to her.

The problem is, I don't actually talk to her about the real problems. I talk about work and problems there and that sort of thing, but really, its pretty basic stuff that I can handle.

The real problems - they are much harder to just bring up. And if I don't bring them up, we dont' talk about them. Last week, I had decided that I really wanted to start to bring up the real stuff going on. I knew it was going to be impossible to bring up. So, I thought about writing it down, in a letter to her.

That's was a great idea until I pictured actually giving her the letter. That's when I decided not to write the letter and just be ballsy enough to bring it up. I didn't.

Now, its high on my mind again, and I've got to find a way to bring it up.

Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.

I did it. I told my doctor the truth about what was really going on in my head. I didn't think I would. As I was in the waiting room, I kept going over the conversation in my head, but when she called me in, I froze. I planned on just making small talk and leaving.

She asked general, "how are you doing?" questions - I gave general answers. Then, she asked about the Avonex, and that's when I brought it up. I was ridiculously long-winded, which is so the opposite of how I usually am.

As I started talking, I instantly regretted it. At one point, I started thinking about how I could change the story to not actually tell the truth, but I did it anyway. I kept talking, and told how I was honestly feeling. I probably didn't make a lot of eye contact, since I didn't want to tell her the whole truth anyway.

And she didn't look at me like I was nuts, didn't judge me or anything. She just kept asking questions. She isn't sure if its life, or because of the Avonex. She started me on some antidepressants. If I feel better on them, then its life that is making me feel the way I am. If I don't feel better, its the Avonex and she is going to start Gilenya or Copaxone.

I'm not certain how I feel about that, but I love the fact that she just knows what to do. She doesn't think I'm crazy, she didn't judge me, she just knew what to do.

I feel such a sense of relief after talking to her...and the social worker at the MS center. I feel like saying it out loud was a huge step. I haven't said it to a single person in real life and today I did, and dang, just that has made a huge difference.

Next step tomorrow is to find a therapist. Talking about it only helps.

they got a file on me and it's a mile long....

And they say that they got all of the proff.  I'm just another case of arrested development, I'm just another wasted youth.

I'm completely in a Meatloaf phase these days.  Most of the time I worry about that, but sometimes I just like to belt out lyrics, really loudly while I am driving.

I could feel a funk coming on this morning too.  Life was good last night.  I saw some good friends from my old camp and catching up was REALLY NICE.  I have missed on of them so much, and to see her was really good for me.

Then, today, I felt it coming.  I wasn't feel particularly well because of my shot last night.  I knew it was happening, because I lied to my friends about how I felt.  Sometimes, I just get sick of complaining.  This morning I also finally looked up those therapists near me that offer evening and weekend appointments.  I really need to call to try and get an appointment with one of them.  I also called the MS nurse, just to chat.  That's always a red flag.  I like to talk to her when I am feeling down.  She's so positive, it always cheers me up.  She wasn't home though.

And then it all hit.  I've been trying so hard to not think the things I think, but it's to no avail.  My thoughts keep going back there.  I'm positive I won't sleep well tonight.  But I will make sure to call those therapists tomorrow.  The sooner I can talk about all this with a qualified health professional, the better.