When everything is quiet, who do you think about?

I think about MS.  I think about what it's done to me and how much I dislike it.

I think about work.  I think about sites that I have a problem at, or sites that need some help.  I think about the staff struggling at the moment, or the kids that are struggling.  I think about everything I have to do on my to-do list.

I wonder if I'm destined to be lonely.

I think about my mom.  I think about the regrets I have, my last times with her, my favorite times I've spent with her, the things she has taught me.

I think about my dad.  I think about his health failing him and how I'm very scared I will one day have to think of him like my mom.

I think about my brother and how responsible and compassionate he has grown to be.  He amazes me frequently.

I think about my sister and her pregnancy.  I worry about her and the baby and I'm sad to be so far away from her during the time.

I think about finances and what bills are coming up. I try to figure out how I'm going to pay them all.

I think about personal things in my life that I need to get done.  Generally, it's cleaning, sending mail, getting an oil change, putting laundry away, taking clothes to Goodwill.

I think about therapy.  I think about the topics that I need to address and I figure out how to bring them up.  I think about how often I think about death in that particular day, week or month.  Then I think about how pessimistic I'm being, and try to put a positive spin on it.

Then I think that I hate quiet time and stop it.  That might be turning on the TV, radio, going online, something, because when everything is quiet, my mind always goes a bad way.

When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?

80 years old.  Wow.  I can't even imagine that.  What will I be like when I'm 80.  I'm hoping I'm pleasant.  I don't want to be one of those cranky 80 year olds.  That would stink.

When I am 80, I imagine family will be important to me.  Perhaps I will have a partner by then.  Perhaps not.  Either way, I will have nieces and nephews.   Of that, I am sure.  When I am 80, they will be grown, and maybe even have children of their own.  I will love them too.

When I am 80, I hope to be involved with politics and be working to making a difference in this world.  By then, I hope, gay marriage will be legal.  I am sure there will be lots of more things that need working on.  I hope when I am 80, I am still working to making things better, not backwards.  Older people seem to always be more conservative than the younger generations.  I hope I remain liberal.

When I am 80, I hope to be financially secure.  I want to be able to travel if I want.  I want to not have to worry about making it month to month.  If I want to do something, I want to be able to do it.

I hope to still be involved with children.  Perhaps I won't be working anymore, but I'd like to be one of those cute 80 year olds that volunteer reading to children, or doing something special with them.

I want to be actively involved with MS organizations.  I hope I can volunteer time helping others diagnosed with MS and help them move past the shock of the diagnosis.

Scratch that.  By time I'm 80, I hope there is a cure for MS and I don't have it anymore.  I can just tell people stories about how horrible it was when it was around.

What do you usually think about on your drive home from work?

I'm feeling well again.  Last night, I slept the entire night without waking up once to cough.  It was SOOO nice.  I feel that within 48 hours I will be perfectly back.

So, I'm back to my regularly scheduled blogging.  In the absence of anything real to write about, I've picked a boundary breaker to answer.

On my way home from work, I think about the day I've had.  Sometimes, I can be proud of what I have accomplished, other times, I think of what I didn't actually get done.  I think about whether or not I brought home what I need in order to get that thing done.

I usually think about my mom at some point during the drive.  I wonder what she would say about some news story (like the royal pregnancy) or odd weather patterns.  I'm pretty good at guessing what she would say, or at least I think I am.

I think about what I am going to make for dinner.

I am usually exhausted and calculate the number of hours until it reaches an acceptable time to go to bed.

I imagine I'm a famous singer, singing my favorite songs in the car.

What is the worst crime a person can commit against another person?

Well, of course there's murder, rape, etc, and obviously those are bad.

But, I think what's worse is not even really a crime - at least not on the book of adulthood.   It's the stuff that is "not tolerated" in school yards and the classroom.  It still happens though, and is very hard to prove or see.

It's bullying, teasing, putting others down to make yourself feel better.  In the adult world, it takes the form of talking behind someone's back, CCing people on emails that don't need to be in the conversation, going out of your way to make that person miserable.

Don't get me wrong - I've been on both sides of this.  I know I've done my share of making other's lives miserable - as ashamed as I am to admit, as an adult and not just the kiddie version.  I've done it when I know better.  Here's hoping I've learned, but the truth is, we all have these moments where we do it.

I do think though, for the betterment of humanity, we just need to try and be nicer to everyone.

What one thing makes you humble?

I feel humble when I see love.  Sometimes its romantic love between two people.  Other times its the kind of love you see between a parent and a child.  Other times is love, not in the romantic sense, between people.  No matter how you look at it, it's love, and it's grand.  There's nothing going on around them that can stop what you see.  This picture shows exactly what I mean.

I am also humbled by people who are "sicker" than me, but have a much stronger mental attitude.  I watched a documentary on PBS tonight about people who were going through organ transplants.  It was meant to gain awareness of organ donation, but some of the people were so sick.  Yet, they were so strong and full of life.  I feel lifeless, but the reality is that I should be full of life.  Those people, are my inspiration.

If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?

One year from now, I hope to be in an entirely different place, mentally, at least.  I'd like to be living in the same area, maybe still at my job, but definitely want to feel a lot different than I do today.

So, in one year, I'd like to remind myself that in order to move past this funk, I've got to just to open and honest about how I'm feeling.  I can't be afraid to show emotion and if I can deal with everything, instead of just hiding from it, I'll feel so much better.

I'd like to tell myself to stop procrastinating.  I procrastinate all the time and it really doesn't get me very far.  Just do it, even the unpleasant things.  Once they are done, I always feel so much better about whatever it is.

In one year, I will have two babies in my life that I am super excited about.  My best friend's and my sister's. I think I can't even imagine yet how much I am going to love them.  I'd tell myself to be getting ready for them and cherish every moment I have with them.

I'd tell myself that I will feel heaps better if I am healthier.  That means regularly going to work out classes at work and eating better.  It also includes drinking more water and less coke.  It really does make me feel better and I have to remember that.

Where are you living right now – the past, future or present?

I think I spend 1/3 of my time living in the past, 1/3 living in the present and 1/3 in the future.  One would think that's well rounded, but its probably actually very unhealthy.

I live in the past when I think of all things I used to be able to do and can't do anymore.  I wish I could and sometimes imagine and try, but fail miserably.

I live in the present, but not thinking about the future.  I can't imagine or see a future.  That's also not good.

I live in the future when I think about all the things that can wrong with my life.  It's not a hopeful future, its a scary future and one I dread.

So, none of those times are particularly effective.  I need to find an effective spin to put on it.

I want to remember the good times of the past, but not be sad they are not here now.  I need to remember my past made me who I am today.  I need to focus on the current moment.  I need to accept what I can and cannot do, and be comfortable with it.  I need to see a positive future.  Lots of great things can happen.  Heck, they could find a cure for MS.  That would be the most amazing future, but even without, I can do great things.  I can live a happy life.

What advice would you give to yourself three years ago?

Live.  Really live. Take advantage of EVERYTHING.  Yes, the kids at work might make you crazy, and your family may drive you nuts, but it's so worth it.

Life is good.  You are on the verge of greatness.  Enjoy this time.  Take every advantage you can.  Good things can happen if you seek them out.

When you start to feel weird - numb as the case may be - get it looked it right away.  I know you'd rather ignore it and hope it goes away, but it won't.   The quicker you can catch it, the better off you'll be.

You have some really great friends.  Cherish them.  Take advantage of their wonderfulness.  They are the kind of folks who will be with you forever.  They love you and you love them.

Know that you are about to face a few challenges.  It's not going to be easy, but you can totally do it.  Keep your mind in the right place and anything is possible.

The hand...

There is a tradition we used to do at camp.  Each night, its nice for groups to reflect on the day.  At summer camp, we called it a "cabin chat."

On the first night, my favorite activity was the hand introduction.  Each person talked about 5 parts of themselves, all related to fingers.

The thumb - what makes you human.
The pointer finger - what guides you.
The middle finger - what annoys you.
The ring finger - what you are committed to.
The pinky - something random about you.

I was thinking about this tonight - I don't really know why.  My answers always change, often based on the group of people I am with.  I share different things with children, with my staff, with my peers.  It also depends on my life situation.

Today, my thumb - I experience emotions.  Every emotion, and sometimes every possible emotion in an hour time period.  I'm happy, sad, angry, scared, confident, excited and more.  It's all me, and its all very human.

My pointer finger - I struggle with this one lately.  If I was sharing this with a group, I wouldn't have anything right now.  I'm looking for something to guide me.  I need to find something that is worth it these days.

My middle finger - I'm annoyed when I'm misunderstood, or just blatenly ignored.

My ring finger - I'm committed to finding my way again.  I seem to have lost it recently, but I'm going to find it again.

My pinky - I miss my Subaru.

Boundary Breakers

I'm a bit of a blogging fool today.  I guess that's cause work is finally not crazy and I'm enjoying the low key do-nothing day that is not flu day.

Another boundary breaker:

Is there anyone you trust so much that you wouldn't be afraid to have him or her know every single thought you have?

OMG, absolutely not.  I can't even imagine having someone in my life that I could trust that much.  I can't even fathom how anyone can feel like that about anyone else.  I don't even blog, on this anonymous blog, every single thought I have.  I mean, duh, there'd be 500 entries a day, but there's plenty of thoughts that I even censor on here.  Eek.  That's such a scary thought!

More boundary breakers

If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?

That's quite a difficult question, given my recent state of mind.  Usually, at camp, I say something along the lines of 25 people lead a more satisfying life than me.  I always figured I had it pretty well, although there was always someone better off than me.  That was ok with me though, as I always had something to work toward.

Today though, I feel rather different.  I feel that so many things are wrong with my life and the amount of stuff to fix is rather overwhelming.  Today, I would say 60 people have a more satisfying life than me. 

Now, I need to fix that.  I need to get over wallowing in self pity and work on it.  First, finances.  I need to deal with stuff that I haven't wanted to deal with.  That will be a great start.

Second, work.  I need to decide if I really want to do this, and if so, give it my all.  No more of this half ass bullshit.

Life outside of work - I need to get myself involved in something that's extracurricular or what not.  I should find a cause that I want to volunteer with or something.  I'll find it.  That will be good to keep me busy, perhaps meet new people and generally contribute to society.

inspiration

I've been thinking a lot about the various diversity, connection, team building activities we have done at camp.  I also feel in a bit of a blog rut - and only really talk about therapy.  So, I figure, answering some of these will be something else. 

These questions came from an activity we did during group's last night.  These questions were asked, in no particular order, and each member could answer.  "Pass" was always an option, but generally, folks got into it. 

What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

I think that's its much more difficult looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, whether its good or bad.  If you are telling them something good, like what a difference they have made to you, its almost awkward to be looking in their eyes.  If you are telling them something not-so-good, then its just horrible to see the look or hurt or sadness in their eyes.

It's not so bad looking into their eyes when they are telling you something.  That's almost easy.  If good, you feel you have a soul connection.  If negative, their eyes might be a little softer than their words and take some of the sting out it.