winter, work, wages and words

It's flipping cold right now.  Granted, in much colder in many parts of the world, but for here, its a deep freeze kind of cold.  I think its going to get to 20 below tonight.  Today was a high of 6.  I'm talking farenheit here, cause of course, I'm in the US - Massachusetts.  It's cold.  Even I'm cold and I'm seldomly cold.

I was in Virginia last week.  I went to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I work the day after Christmas, so I went to celebrate in January.  When I left, it was snowing.  I was a little worried about my train, but it was still running.  I got down there.  The first day was lovely.  Then, it snowed down there.  It barely snowed, but school was canceled in the area on Friday.  Then, I came back.  I came back to it snowing.

The snow has stopped, and there isn't much of it, but now, it's cold.  Very very cold.

And the family.  I really want to love my family.  But, they make me so nuts.  I find the whole thing depressing.  My nana is really old.  She's almost 90.  She's the last of her siblings to still be alive.  She's forgetful, lost her sight and hearing and generally, not good.  I'm sad to say, the next time I go to Virginia will probably be for her funeral.  Of all the family down there, she's the one I really like.

My dad also isn't doing all that well.  He has Parkinson's.  It sucks, big time.

With all that going on, I can't find compassion for them.  I have so much hostility in me.  After I was there about 2 hours, I remembered why I haven't been down there for 4 years.

And work.  I don't know what is going on.  They aren't paying their bills.  They aren't talking to the people we owe money to.  That's something I would do, not something a huge corporation should be doing.  Are you kidding me?

And the pay cut with the social security increase has hurt me, pretty big time.  It's only like $30 a paycheck, but its $30 I can't afford right now.  I can't wait until I get my W2's and can file my taxes.  That refund will help a bit.

When everything is quiet, who do you think about?

I think about MS.  I think about what it's done to me and how much I dislike it.

I think about work.  I think about sites that I have a problem at, or sites that need some help.  I think about the staff struggling at the moment, or the kids that are struggling.  I think about everything I have to do on my to-do list.

I wonder if I'm destined to be lonely.

I think about my mom.  I think about the regrets I have, my last times with her, my favorite times I've spent with her, the things she has taught me.

I think about my dad.  I think about his health failing him and how I'm very scared I will one day have to think of him like my mom.

I think about my brother and how responsible and compassionate he has grown to be.  He amazes me frequently.

I think about my sister and her pregnancy.  I worry about her and the baby and I'm sad to be so far away from her during the time.

I think about finances and what bills are coming up. I try to figure out how I'm going to pay them all.

I think about personal things in my life that I need to get done.  Generally, it's cleaning, sending mail, getting an oil change, putting laundry away, taking clothes to Goodwill.

I think about therapy.  I think about the topics that I need to address and I figure out how to bring them up.  I think about how often I think about death in that particular day, week or month.  Then I think about how pessimistic I'm being, and try to put a positive spin on it.

Then I think that I hate quiet time and stop it.  That might be turning on the TV, radio, going online, something, because when everything is quiet, my mind always goes a bad way.