I hate snow still, buts its a Saturday. And it's flu day. I timed that one so that I would just sleep though the snow. Tomorrow, the snow ends, and I will go out and about again.
I feel surprisingly good today. It's flu day, so I have all that going on, but otherwise good. I guess the lovely lesions aren't doing much trouble now. My mental space is good. I can't complain, but I can go back to sleep while watching TIVOed NCIS. Life is good!
I've been diagnosed with MS and wanted to keep a blog about it and what it means to me.
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Showing posts with label life is good. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life is good. Show all posts
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."
On Tuesday, December 18, 2012 Jayce Quinn made his way into the world.
He is the baby of my very best friend in the whole wide world. I was given the privilege of getting to be in the delivery room. I guess this is odd in some ways, but not for us.
I feel like the entire experience has changed me. I'm a different person today than I was 3 days ago. I am amazed at how strong she is and how difficult the whole process is. She was in labor for 36 hours. They were the 36 longest hours of my life and the only thing I wanted was to take her pain away.
During it all, I thought the whole thing was totally not worth it. And then he was born. It was magical. It was amazing. I cried and cried as soon as he came out. He is the most beautiful baby ever.
I had therapy today. At the end of last week, I was pretty sure we'd talk a lot about Newtown, CT. I'm still struggling with my feelings about everything, but it didn't matter. All we talked about was the birth. The entire experience was so amazing and full of hope, life, love and the power of the human spirit.
I love you Jayce Quinn, already and more than you'll ever know. You make life worth living.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
An exceptionally well timed letter
I received this in the mail today from a former camper, staff member and the daughter of a friend of mine. I've known her since she was 10 years old. We met at camp, but then I became good friends of her family and so I have known her in and out of camp.
As a camper, she was "Suzy Camper." She was all about camp. As a staff member, she was kind, compassionate, and then had one major foul up, in which I had to fire her. She knew it was inevitable and the whole thing sucked, but she bounced back and has since gone to work there successfully. She's had a rough time of things as she has entered into adulthood, but she had a good head on her shoulders, and I am eager to see what becomes of her.
Anyway, I got this letter from her today. She's in job corps, which is kind of part job training, but also for kids who've had some trouble in their lives. It's a little boot camp-ish, but very good for her.
"Dear Heidi,
My teacher gave us an assignment to write a letter to someone in our lives that we see as a leader. I thought of you immediately because you were the person who taught me leadership in and out of camp.
In my opinion, you were the best director I saw in my time at camp. You set the rules, made sure everyone was doing what they were suppose to do and ensured every one's safety, but still managed to be someone we could come to, if we had a problem, someone who could always make me laugh. From the very first memory I have of you, when you took me to Friendly's for my birthday, I have known that there is someone that cares for me outside of my family.
Whenever I fought with my mom, or needed something she couldn't provide, be it a ride to dance or someone to talk to, you have been there for me. Mom and I frequently wonder where we would be without you. You have been so many things in my life, camp director, babysitter, mentor and friend.
Most of all, you are are someone I can look up to, someone who inspires me. You are one of the best, most wonderful people I have ever met, and seeing you struggling with MS is hard for everyone, but you accept the cards that you were dealt, and you haven't lost your smile. You are someone I admire more than anyone else, and I am so grateful for everything you have done for me. I would not be where I am without your support and love.
Love you,"
*Name omitted to protect her identity *
As a camper, she was "Suzy Camper." She was all about camp. As a staff member, she was kind, compassionate, and then had one major foul up, in which I had to fire her. She knew it was inevitable and the whole thing sucked, but she bounced back and has since gone to work there successfully. She's had a rough time of things as she has entered into adulthood, but she had a good head on her shoulders, and I am eager to see what becomes of her.
Anyway, I got this letter from her today. She's in job corps, which is kind of part job training, but also for kids who've had some trouble in their lives. It's a little boot camp-ish, but very good for her.
"Dear Heidi,
My teacher gave us an assignment to write a letter to someone in our lives that we see as a leader. I thought of you immediately because you were the person who taught me leadership in and out of camp.
In my opinion, you were the best director I saw in my time at camp. You set the rules, made sure everyone was doing what they were suppose to do and ensured every one's safety, but still managed to be someone we could come to, if we had a problem, someone who could always make me laugh. From the very first memory I have of you, when you took me to Friendly's for my birthday, I have known that there is someone that cares for me outside of my family.
Whenever I fought with my mom, or needed something she couldn't provide, be it a ride to dance or someone to talk to, you have been there for me. Mom and I frequently wonder where we would be without you. You have been so many things in my life, camp director, babysitter, mentor and friend.
Most of all, you are are someone I can look up to, someone who inspires me. You are one of the best, most wonderful people I have ever met, and seeing you struggling with MS is hard for everyone, but you accept the cards that you were dealt, and you haven't lost your smile. You are someone I admire more than anyone else, and I am so grateful for everything you have done for me. I would not be where I am without your support and love.
Love you,"
*Name omitted to protect her identity *
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Turkey Day is coming
So, I'm feeling better. Really, I am. I can't give any specific example, but that overwhelming black cloud that has been hanging over me for the better part of a year, seems to have lifted. Living, just living, seems a bit easier. I still have my bad thoughts and what not, but in general, thinks just feel so much better.
That said, Thanksgiving is coming up. Despite feeling better, I don't actually want to do anything or go anywhere that day. I'm just in the mindset where I want to be on my own. I might be lonely, but that's ok. The thought of staying in my PJs and not having to make small talk, is really exciting to me. I can make exactly what I want to eat, and nap, and just enjoy the day.
I think that I shall tell each of my friends that has invited me somewhere that I am going somewhere else. And none of them are really friends with each other, so I'm pretty sure I'll get away with it. I will enjoy the solitude on Thursday.
That said, Thanksgiving is coming up. Despite feeling better, I don't actually want to do anything or go anywhere that day. I'm just in the mindset where I want to be on my own. I might be lonely, but that's ok. The thought of staying in my PJs and not having to make small talk, is really exciting to me. I can make exactly what I want to eat, and nap, and just enjoy the day.
I think that I shall tell each of my friends that has invited me somewhere that I am going somewhere else. And none of them are really friends with each other, so I'm pretty sure I'll get away with it. I will enjoy the solitude on Thursday.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
"The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach." Benjamin Mays
I think I have a goal. I feel GOOD. Really GOOD. I haven't felt like this in a VERY LONG time. It's amazing.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Little nothing book

I found my little nothing book tonight. There were a few things I had to add to it, and I'm pretty impressed with how long it is.
Every good camp director has a little nothing book. It's filled with inspirational stories, quotes, pictures and general good mood things.
I started this in 1995. It's come a long way since then. There's a lot of stories about Girl Scouts, camp, love, life.
I guess it's time to add Multiple Sclerosis to that list. I'm quite sure there's good quotes I can add. In the meantime, my favorite story (it's long, but well worth it).
Three Letters From Teddy
| Teddy's letter came today, and now that I've read it, I will place it in my
cedar chest with the other things that are important to my life.
"I wanted you to be the first to know." I smiled as I read the words he had written and my heart swelled with a pride that I had no right to feel. I have not seen Teddy Stallard since he was a student in my fifth grade class, 15 years ago. It was early in my career, and I had only been teaching for two years. From the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers (although everyone knows differently) are not supposed to have favorites in a class, but most especially are they not to show dislike for a child, any child. Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that one cannot help but become attached to, for teachers are human, and it is human nature to like bright, pretty, intelligent people, whether they are 10 years old or 25. And sometimes, not too often fortunately, there will be one or two students to whom the teacher just can't seem to relate. I had thought myself quite capable of handling my personal feelings along that line until Teddy walked into my life. There wasn't a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy was most assuredly one I disliked. He was dirty. Not just occasionally, but all the time. His hair hung over his ears, and he actually had to hold it out of his eyes as he wrote his papers in class. (And this was before it was fashionable to do so!). Too, he had a peculiar odor about him which I could never identify. His physical faults were many, and his intellect left a lot to be desired, also. By the end of the first week, I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind; he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately. Any teacher will tell you that it's more of a pleasure to teach a bright child. It is definitely more rewarding for one's ego. But any teacher worth her credentials can channel work to the bright child, keeping him challenged and learning, while she puts her major effort on the slower ones. Any teacher can do this. Most teachers do it, but I didn't, not that year. In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen, and each time I came to Teddy's papers, the cross marks (and there were many) were always a little redder than necessary. "Poor work!" I would write with a flourish. While I did not actually ridicule the boy, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class; for he quickly became the class "goat," the outcast - the unlovable and the unloved. He knew I didn't like him, but he didn't know why. Nor did I know - then or now - why I felt such an intense dislike for him. All I know is that he was a little boy no one cared about, and I made no effort on his behalf. The days rolled by. We made it through the Fall Festival and the Thanksgiving holidays, and I continued marking happily with my red pen. As the Christmas holidays approached, I knew that Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth grade level. He would be a repeater. To justify myself, I went to his cumulative folder and from time to time looked it over. He had very low grades for the first four years, but not grade failure. How he had made it, I did not know. I closed my mind to the personal remarks. First Grade: Teddy shows promise by work and attitude, but has a poor home situation. Second Grade: Teddy could do better. Mother terminally ill. He receives little help at home.Well, they passed him four times. But he will certainly repeat fifth grade! Do him good! I said to myself. And then the last day before the Christmas holidays arrived. Our little tree on the reading table sported paper and popcorn chains. Many gifts were heaped underneath waiting for the big moment. Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. There was not a student who had not brought me one. Each unwrapping brought squeals of delight, and the proud giver would receive effusive thank-yous. Teddy's gift wasn't the last one I picked up, in fact it was the middle of the pile. Its wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had colored Christmas trees and red bells all over it. It was stuck together with masking tape. "For Miss Thompson - From Teddy" it read. The group was completely silent and for the first time I felt conspicuous, embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap that gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk: a gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime store cologne - half empty. I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn't sure I could look at Teddy. "Isn't it lovely?" I said, placing the bracelet on my wrist. "Teddy, would you help me fasten it?" He smiled shyly as he fixed the clasp, and I held my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few hesitant oohs and ahhs, but as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears. I continued to open the gifts until I reached the bottom of the pile. We ate our refreshments and then the bell rang. The children filed out with shouts of "See you next year," and "Merry Christmas!" But Teddy waited at his desk. When they had all left, he walked toward me, clutching his gift and books to his chest. "You smell just like Mom," he said softly. "Her bracelet looks real pretty on you too. I'm glad you liked it." He left quickly. I locked the door, sat down at my desk and wept, resolving to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of - a teacher who cared. I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from the end of the Christmas holiday until the last day of school. Sometimes we worked together. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers. Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. Gradually there was a definite upward curve in his grades. He did not have to repeat the fifth grade. In fact, his final averages were among the highest in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of state when school was out, I was not worried for him. Teddy had reached a level that would stand him in good stead the following year no matter where he went. He had enjoyed a good measure of success and as we were taught in our teacher training course, SUCCESS BUILDS SUCCESS. I did not hear from Teddy until seven years later when his first letter appeared in my mailbox. Dear Miss Thompson, I just wanted you to be the first to know. I will be graduating second in my class next month.I sent him a card of congratulations and a small package, a pen and pencil gift set. I wondered what he would do after graduation. Four years later, Teddy's second letter came. Dear Miss Thompson, I wanted you to be the first to know. I was just informed I'll be graduating first in my class. The University has not been easy, but I liked it.I sent him a good pair of sterling silver monogrammed cuff links and a card -- "so proud of you, I could burst." And now, today - Teddy's last letter. Dear Miss Thompson, I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today, I am Theodore J. Stallard, M.D. How about that!!!???I am not sure what kind of card one sends to a doctor on completion of medical school and professional boards. Maybe I'll just wait and take a wedding gift, but my congratulations can't wait. Dear Ted, Congratulations! You made it and you did it yourself! In spite of those like me and because of us, the day has finally come for you. |
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Who rocks the house?
Camp is great! Better than great.
Camp is my life. It has been for a very long time. Recently, I thought an MS diagnosis meant I'd have to find something else to satisfy my life. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Granted, its a small camp. I also spend 3 of the hottest hours of the day at the pool. But, its still going and I feel incredibly healthy! I don't think I've been this happy in a long time.
Camp is my life. It has been for a very long time. Recently, I thought an MS diagnosis meant I'd have to find something else to satisfy my life. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Granted, its a small camp. I also spend 3 of the hottest hours of the day at the pool. But, its still going and I feel incredibly healthy! I don't think I've been this happy in a long time.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
dog sitting...again
So, the VP of my Y asked me to dog sit. It's a little weird, but I figured, why not?
She has a pool. I've only been here 4 hours, but I've already been swimming 3 times. Tomorrow I don't have to work, and I plan to swim LOTS.
Pictures to come :)
She has a pool. I've only been here 4 hours, but I've already been swimming 3 times. Tomorrow I don't have to work, and I plan to swim LOTS.
Pictures to come :)
Sunday, May 27, 2012
inspiration
I've been thinking a lot about the various diversity, connection, team building activities we have done at camp. I also feel in a bit of a blog rut - and only really talk about therapy. So, I figure, answering some of these will be something else.
These questions came from an activity we did during group's last night. These questions were asked, in no particular order, and each member could answer. "Pass" was always an option, but generally, folks got into it.
What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think that's its much more difficult looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, whether its good or bad. If you are telling them something good, like what a difference they have made to you, its almost awkward to be looking in their eyes. If you are telling them something not-so-good, then its just horrible to see the look or hurt or sadness in their eyes.
It's not so bad looking into their eyes when they are telling you something. That's almost easy. If good, you feel you have a soul connection. If negative, their eyes might be a little softer than their words and take some of the sting out it.
These questions came from an activity we did during group's last night. These questions were asked, in no particular order, and each member could answer. "Pass" was always an option, but generally, folks got into it.
What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think that's its much more difficult looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, whether its good or bad. If you are telling them something good, like what a difference they have made to you, its almost awkward to be looking in their eyes. If you are telling them something not-so-good, then its just horrible to see the look or hurt or sadness in their eyes.
It's not so bad looking into their eyes when they are telling you something. That's almost easy. If good, you feel you have a soul connection. If negative, their eyes might be a little softer than their words and take some of the sting out it.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Things that make me happy
* Sunshine
* Reading a book while sitting in the sunshine, when its not too hot, of course
* Easter Candy - 75% off
* A Few Good Men
Lt. Weinberg: You've heard her. The girl sat here, pointed and said, "Pa." She did. She said, "Pa."
Kaffee: She was pointing at a mailbox, Sam.
Lt. Weinberg: That's right. She was pointing as if to say, "Pa, look, a mailbox."
* Cranberry Pomegrante Juice
* Clementines
* Draw Something
* Reading a book while sitting in the sunshine, when its not too hot, of course
* Easter Candy - 75% off
* A Few Good Men
Lt. Weinberg: You've heard her. The girl sat here, pointed and said, "Pa." She did. She said, "Pa."
Kaffee: She was pointing at a mailbox, Sam.
Lt. Weinberg: That's right. She was pointing as if to say, "Pa, look, a mailbox."
* Cranberry Pomegrante Juice
* Clementines
* Draw Something
Sunday, April 8, 2012
light at the end of the tunnel
I'm feeling pretty good. Actually, remarkably good.
I'm choosing not to think too much about it. If I do, I might realize that's it's not real. But I feel like it is. I got this book, from the Avonex people. When I first got it, I glanced at it, and all I saw was these hopeful sentiments. They annoyed me. I put it down and didn't pick it up again until last night. Now, today, I can't put it down. It's not like a novel, I have to keep reading to find out what happens....it's more like a text book, but interesting. I'm finding it honest and straight forward. I find its very real. In many ways, it's comforting.
I think there is actually quite a bit of it I can use. It will help me to feel better when I get bleak again.
Monday, December 19, 2011
the holidays
I tend to write more when things aren't going so well. I think I've always been like that...as a teeny bopper with diaries. If I go back and look at them now, my life looks horrible. But combine all the drama of teen angst, along with only writing once every four months, that's what you get.
So, this is a happy post. Nothing is wrong post. I've been feeling pretty good. I got my tooth pulled last week. That kinda sucked, but it hurt so much. I reckon that was the reason for all the other illness going on. As soon as the tooth came out, everything was better.
I wasn't coughing anymore, nothing hurt, it was brillant.
So now, we are onto the holidays. I've got a friend's I am going to go to. Life will be pretty good :)
So, this is a happy post. Nothing is wrong post. I've been feeling pretty good. I got my tooth pulled last week. That kinda sucked, but it hurt so much. I reckon that was the reason for all the other illness going on. As soon as the tooth came out, everything was better.
I wasn't coughing anymore, nothing hurt, it was brillant.
So now, we are onto the holidays. I've got a friend's I am going to go to. Life will be pretty good :)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
so far so good
Well, I figured I would definitly have a flare after everything that has happened in the last few weeks. Moving. New job. Death of my mother. Surely all those things put together would bring it on.
It hasn't, or at least not yet. I don't feel particularly well, but I just feel sick. Not MS sick, just plain old regular sick. It's not even that bad. So, knock on wood, all is going well.
It hasn't, or at least not yet. I don't feel particularly well, but I just feel sick. Not MS sick, just plain old regular sick. It's not even that bad. So, knock on wood, all is going well.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
30 letters in 30 days - day 8
Before my letter...my right arm keeps going numb today. It's annoying and makes me wonder if its MS...puhhumph.
Now, onto today's letter.
Dear Favorite Internet Friend,
I used to have a lot of you, and now I don't really have any. There's one girl, from Washington State that recently reconnected with me. It was 10 years ago that we were friends, and to be honest, I can't say that we were even close.
My best friend irl was good friends (internet friends) with a couple from New York. Well, this girl was internet friends with the couple, specifically, the girl. So, that's how I knew her.
What I remember about her - she was always super nice. She was pretty down to earth, and she called it like she saw it. She recently reconnected me with me, through facebook and text. Thanks facebook, for sharing my cell number.
She's still super nice. I told her about my MS, she told me about how her and her love (from way back when I knew her), were splitting down. She's on her way into entering single motherhood. I wish her well. She seems to be taking it stride, and enjoying life. I want to learn from her and feel the same way.
Now, onto today's letter.
Dear Favorite Internet Friend,
I used to have a lot of you, and now I don't really have any. There's one girl, from Washington State that recently reconnected with me. It was 10 years ago that we were friends, and to be honest, I can't say that we were even close.
My best friend irl was good friends (internet friends) with a couple from New York. Well, this girl was internet friends with the couple, specifically, the girl. So, that's how I knew her.
What I remember about her - she was always super nice. She was pretty down to earth, and she called it like she saw it. She recently reconnected me with me, through facebook and text. Thanks facebook, for sharing my cell number.
She's still super nice. I told her about my MS, she told me about how her and her love (from way back when I knew her), were splitting down. She's on her way into entering single motherhood. I wish her well. She seems to be taking it stride, and enjoying life. I want to learn from her and feel the same way.
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