proud

I'm so ridiculously proud of myself tonight.  I brought up a subject that I've been struggling with a lot lately in therapy today.  It was so hard to bring up, and I stumbled and stuttered and muttered around, but I brought it up.

It's a pretty big deal for me.  It seems silly, and one should be able to talk about anything in therapy, but that's not me.  And therapy started, and we made small talk and talked about the holidays, and I thought I could carry on and not bring up the topic I was avoiding.

Then, I just told her I had something to talk about that was really difficult for me.  She was patient, kind and just let me ramble, for what seemed like forever.  (I have to give her credit - someone pussy footing around like I was would drive me insane.  Totally not a profession I could ever do!)

And finally, I spit it out.  It's not even someone I would post on here, but I guess I feel better about it.  At the very least, I talked with someone who wasn't judgemental about it, and just listened to me.  She wasn't (at least that I could tell) horrified or appalled by it.  She just listened, and offered a perspective I hadn't thought of.

I guess, it's still there and still something that worries me.  But it's not a burden that I am carrying all by myself.  I'm going to be ok.

Thoughts for the night

If you want to feel rich, count all the great things you have that money can't buy

friends - really great friends, the kind that I know I can call on when I really need something.  The kind that can pull me up when I need it, and that I know will call on me when they need it.  The ones from long ago, the current ones, and the ones that I know are forever.

family - even if they can make me crazy, they are there.  In all sorts of weather, and they love me, unconditionally

knowledge - not just the book kind that came out of school, but the real life experience I have had.  The lessons I have learned, even if they came about the hard way, make me who I am.

children - there's been amazing children I've met in my life.  They've left a footprint on my soul and I really appreciate what they've done for me.

camp - as a child, this place defined me.  All I wanted to be when I grew up was my counselors.  This place molded me, and taught me about life.

love - it's cheesy, but those I've loved are worth it.  'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all - or something like that.

inspiration - those thoughts, ideas, things that keep me going.  It's those things I can turn to when I'm having a tough time.

health - eh, I can't count that anymore

Of the many contradictions that exist in the world, the contrast between love and hate is perhaps the starkest.

I can't decide if I love my therapist or hate my therapist. Either way, I went tonight and brough up most (not all) of everything on my mind. I guess I need to think about it and process everything before I really decide how I feel. I mean, I don't feel like anything is solved, but I wouldn't expect it to after talking to her about it once. I just feel relieved that it's out there. It's no longer a burden I'm keeping all to myself. That's the good thing.