So, I'm questioning my mental health again. I guess I'm always wondering about, or at least trying to see where I am. But lately, I know it hasn't been good. I've been preoccupied with negative thoughts, feelings, emotions. Lots of feeling sorry for myself type of thoughts, which never lead to anything good. Yesterday, I was reading about an event happening next fall. Without even realizing, I thought, "oh, I'll have killed myself by then." WHAT??
That's just crazy. I've thought about wanting to die, but not seriously, and certainly no plan or timeline. I'm really not sure where that thought came from, but it was definitly a wake-up call.
The good news is that I'm going to see my doctor this week. The question is, Do I tell her, and how much do I tell?
I'm notorious for not giving all the pertinent information. I'm quite happy to just let folks think all is good, but really, inside I'm a wreck.
I imagine that if I really tell her what's going on, she'll suggest I see a therapist (which isn't a bad idea, and I plan to find one around here). I also think she might take me off Avonex....I was reading their little literature, and it said if I had thoughts of suicide or depression I should tell my doctor immediately. They may decide to stop treatment.
For some reason, that makes me feel like a failure. Stopping the treatment seems bad. I don't even know if its the treatment that is making me feel so messed up.
I know, its life that is really happening. I wonder if MS and Avonex are just making it worse? That is an excellent question for the doctor, and yet, I know I'm going to try to avoid telling her.
When I get there, there will be this little questionaire to fill out. A list of symptoms and check boxes....you check if things are better, the same or worse and its a good way for the doctor to know what to talk to you about.
I can just picture myself checking the same for everything, when in reality, I should check worse. Oh heavenly being, grant me the ability to bring up what is really going on.