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Monday, January 2, 2012

to tell or not to tell...

So, I'm questioning my mental health again. I guess I'm always wondering about, or at least trying to see where I am. But lately, I know it hasn't been good. I've been preoccupied with negative thoughts, feelings, emotions. Lots of feeling sorry for myself type of thoughts, which never lead to anything good. Yesterday, I was reading about an event happening next fall. Without even realizing, I thought, "oh, I'll have killed myself by then." WHAT??

That's just crazy. I've thought about wanting to die, but not seriously, and certainly no plan or timeline. I'm really not sure where that thought came from, but it was definitly a wake-up call.

The good news is that I'm going to see my doctor this week. The question is, Do I tell her, and how much do I tell?

I'm notorious for not giving all the pertinent information. I'm quite happy to just let folks think all is good, but really, inside I'm a wreck.

I imagine that if I really tell her what's going on, she'll suggest I see a therapist (which isn't a bad idea, and I plan to find one around here). I also think she might take me off Avonex....I was reading their little literature, and it said if I had thoughts of suicide or depression I should tell my doctor immediately. They may decide to stop treatment.

For some reason, that makes me feel like a failure. Stopping the treatment seems bad. I don't even know if its the treatment that is making me feel so messed up.

I know, its life that is really happening. I wonder if MS and Avonex are just making it worse? That is an excellent question for the doctor, and yet, I know I'm going to try to avoid telling her.

When I get there, there will be this little questionaire to fill out. A list of symptoms and check boxes....you check if things are better, the same or worse and its a good way for the doctor to know what to talk to you about.

I can just picture myself checking the same for everything, when in reality, I should check worse. Oh heavenly being, grant me the ability to bring up what is really going on.

4 comments:

Sherri Stakes said...

bless your heart...

depression is a HUGE part of MS.... both situational and chronic depression...

most definitely you should tell your doctor because there are things and meds you can take to help with that part of it all...

i don't know much about avonex... i take copaxone myself... but if avonex has warnings about depression and suicidal tendencies, you have to speak up! even ill, even with all the other things life throws at us... it is worth living!

bless you... i hope you find the strength and courage to tell your doc without leaving out the pertinent information :)

Peace Be With You said...

I'm 100% with Sherri on this. It's a bit strange but I had just reread something I had posted over a year ago. For what it's worth, I share it with you.

Courage and Determination

Many of us have
an indomitable will
to engage with life.

Resolute, steely
even if mired in despair.
Never giving up.

Crawl if you have to.
That may be the firm motto
of some I meet here.

http://lapazconvos.blogspot.com/2010/12/courage-and-determination.html

Heidi said...

I have to thank you both. As I was sitting in the waiting room. I read your comments, and they helped with the courage to talk to her about what was really going on.

Even though I've never met you, you're great! :)

Sherri Stakes said...

we are all here to support each other... i'm so happy that you felt comfortable writing this post...

stay strong!