September 9, 2012

You're especially easy to please today, dear Sagittarius, but also very willing to do the pleasing. A general trend in your life recently is a larger focus on relationships and the joy you feel when you are with someone one on one. This is a good year for enhancing or attracting a partnership. Later today, you are especially in touch with your own motivations, as well as others. Trust your perception now.

too much

My tonsil hurts again.  That seems so simple and yet that is what set me over the edge into everything else.

It's been too much.  It just feels like there is always something and it causes something else.  I'm so over it.

So, I have the steriods for the relapse.  Pretty basic.  Day 2, my lower back is killing me.  They do a urinalysis and find blood in my urine.  They think its kidney stones.

I go for a CTScan.  There are no kidney stones.  There are however, gallstones.

My PCP is on vacation, so the covering doctor sends me to a urologist.  I was very confused about this, as I didn't think they handled gallbladders, but went.  They don't, but he was worried about the blood in the urine.  He catherized me, which freaked me out ridiculously.  Next week he wants to do something where it sticks a camera up to see the inside of your bladder, which he has filled with water.

He also said the pain could be from this and not the gallstones.  At least that gets somewhere.  But he isn't positive.  He also think my bladder is having trouble because of my MS.  He kept going on and on about how MS can effect bladders and this is a typical thing and yadda yadda yadda.  I'd really wished I just never told him I had MS.

So, and I know my thinking is definitly illogical now, but I feel like I'm done with doctors and this MS crap.  It just seems the more I go and try with deal with something, the more things that they either find, or become wrong.  I just want to quit them all, and go back to my life where I NEVER went to the doctor.  I got a physical every other year and maybe strep throat.  But going to the doctor was not part of my routine. 

The MS bike run is tomorrow.  I was so ridiculously excited for it.  I still am, if I get to ride on a bike.  But I am not excited about seeing people who have these great relationships with the MS center and their doctors and all that jazz.  I don't want anyone to ask me how I am, and either just say that I'm great, or tell them I'm done with all this MS stuff.  I don't want to see my doctor, of whom I normally love.  She's just one of them right now.  I don't want to see that MS nurse, because her I would tell how I feel and she'll try to talk me out of it.  Pretty much, I just need to keep a happy face on and not mention how I feel.

another day

I'm taking Avonex.  It's a disease modifying drug.  I didn't want to take any meds.  I wanted to just feel ok and be one of those people that didn't take meds.  But some really smart people, including my doctor and a MS nurse said I should definitly take them.

It's meant to get easier, giving yourself a shot.  For me, it seems to just keep getting harder.  I read a news article this week that said 60% of people on these meds quit.  I wanted to be one of them. 

I skipped the med Friday night.  I quit quitting and did it Saturday night.  Despite the fact that I've felt awful today, I know its good for me.  The overwhelming feeling of sadness is the worst.  And I'm not sure if I feel that way because I physically feel bad, or if I physically feel bad because emotionally I feel bad.  Either way, today has been awful.  I'm going to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow will be better.