When everything is quiet, who do you think about?

I think about MS.  I think about what it's done to me and how much I dislike it.

I think about work.  I think about sites that I have a problem at, or sites that need some help.  I think about the staff struggling at the moment, or the kids that are struggling.  I think about everything I have to do on my to-do list.

I wonder if I'm destined to be lonely.

I think about my mom.  I think about the regrets I have, my last times with her, my favorite times I've spent with her, the things she has taught me.

I think about my dad.  I think about his health failing him and how I'm very scared I will one day have to think of him like my mom.

I think about my brother and how responsible and compassionate he has grown to be.  He amazes me frequently.

I think about my sister and her pregnancy.  I worry about her and the baby and I'm sad to be so far away from her during the time.

I think about finances and what bills are coming up. I try to figure out how I'm going to pay them all.

I think about personal things in my life that I need to get done.  Generally, it's cleaning, sending mail, getting an oil change, putting laundry away, taking clothes to Goodwill.

I think about therapy.  I think about the topics that I need to address and I figure out how to bring them up.  I think about how often I think about death in that particular day, week or month.  Then I think about how pessimistic I'm being, and try to put a positive spin on it.

Then I think that I hate quiet time and stop it.  That might be turning on the TV, radio, going online, something, because when everything is quiet, my mind always goes a bad way.

I love this baby!

I couldn't reach a blanket, but wanted him to be warmed.  So I put him in my hat :)

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."

On Tuesday, December 18, 2012 Jayce Quinn made his way into the world.

He is the baby of my very best friend in the whole wide world.  I was given the privilege of getting to be in the delivery room.  I guess this is odd in some ways, but not for us.  

I feel like the entire experience has changed me.  I'm a different person today than I was 3 days ago.  I am amazed at how strong she is and how difficult the whole process is.  She was in labor for 36 hours.  They were the 36 longest hours of my life and the only thing I wanted was to take her pain away.  

During it all, I thought the whole thing was totally not worth it.  And then he was born.  It was magical.  It was amazing.  I cried and cried as soon as he came out.  He is the most beautiful baby ever.

I had therapy today.  At the end of last week, I was pretty sure we'd talk a lot about Newtown, CT.  I'm still struggling with my feelings about everything, but it didn't matter.  All we talked about was the birth.  The entire experience was so amazing and full of hope, life, love and the power of the human spirit.

 I love you Jayce Quinn, already and more than you'll ever know.  You make life worth living.