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Thursday, January 5, 2012

Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.

I did it. I told my doctor the truth about what was really going on in my head. I didn't think I would. As I was in the waiting room, I kept going over the conversation in my head, but when she called me in, I froze. I planned on just making small talk and leaving.

She asked general, "how are you doing?" questions - I gave general answers. Then, she asked about the Avonex, and that's when I brought it up. I was ridiculously long-winded, which is so the opposite of how I usually am.

As I started talking, I instantly regretted it. At one point, I started thinking about how I could change the story to not actually tell the truth, but I did it anyway. I kept talking, and told how I was honestly feeling. I probably didn't make a lot of eye contact, since I didn't want to tell her the whole truth anyway.

And she didn't look at me like I was nuts, didn't judge me or anything. She just kept asking questions. She isn't sure if its life, or because of the Avonex. She started me on some antidepressants. If I feel better on them, then its life that is making me feel the way I am. If I don't feel better, its the Avonex and she is going to start Gilenya or Copaxone.

I'm not certain how I feel about that, but I love the fact that she just knows what to do. She doesn't think I'm crazy, she didn't judge me, she just knew what to do.

I feel such a sense of relief after talking to her...and the social worker at the MS center. I feel like saying it out loud was a huge step. I haven't said it to a single person in real life and today I did, and dang, just that has made a huge difference.

Next step tomorrow is to find a therapist. Talking about it only helps.


Sherri Stakes said...

yay! big leaps... good job!! i figure they can only help if we tell them what is really going on... no reason to suffer with something that can be fixed....

proud of you!

Lisa Emrich said...

I second that...YAY!!! Good for you for taking this step. It is not easy to admit depression when it has it's grips on you. I've been there before. It takes awhile for the meds to kick in, but when you suddenly realize one day that you feel better, it's the greatest thing. Good luck and know that it will get better.