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Friday, May 25, 2012

Secrets are too shameful, painful, terrifying, overwhelming, disintegrating and unbearable to speak out loud in case it makes it real, in case we have to relive them all over again.

I've been talking with my therapist quite a lot about the things I don't want to share with her.

The plus side of this is that I'm able to be pretty straight up with her about the fact that I'm not sharing everything.

And I'm not really lying. I'm just leaving out pertinent information. I'll eventually get to it though. Or at least so far I have.

She was concerned about why I feel the need to leave stuff out. There's 16 million reasons really. I didn't have one for her though.

She asked if I felt I needed to entertain her.

No. I mean I don't want to be a boring client, but I'm not worried about making her day. I do worry about being tiresome or hard headed though. If its something we already talked about and I'm still feeling or doing it again, then I feel like I'm an idiot and she's gonna get bored of the same thing over and over.


Mary K. Mennenga said...

Heidi, you are paying her Right! She really wants to help you I'm sure of it, aren't you? I know just how terrifying it is, if she doesn't have the pertinent information how can she help you!

As for being a boring client, tiresome and or hardheaded, if you trust her then tell her the truth.

I too had 16 million reasons too when I boiled them the first word for every reason was FEAR!!

What your trying to do worrying about her, to give yourself a way out, when you don't need one just stop going and try to keep the title of this lockup tight inside you. Wait that the reason you went to see her in the first place!
If you trust her, then let her help you work through them, by giving you the tools you need to deal with them. Good luck You can do this all you have to lose is the shame, pain and the big one FEAR!!
And she will always keep your Secrets if you trust her.

Heidi said...

Man, you sound like my best friend. It's true...It's fear that's keeping me from talking, but I don't feel like I can get over it so easily...I'm getting there though...slowly but surely.

And perhaps, when all is said in done in this therapy thing, I will learn to trust a little more.

Mary K. Mennenga said...

Heidi, For now trust her, somethings are hard to let go of remember, she has tools she can give and teach you how to use them.