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Saturday, May 5, 2012

Does MS take away the fear of death?

I’m home, and can’t sleep.  Mostly because of the steroids I think, and lack of taking anything for sleeping.  Now it’s too late to take something, as I have the MS walk in morning.  So, instead I shall blog.  Or at least pretend blog.  I might decide to post it, I might just keep it for me.  We’ll see.

To start with, I can barely keep coherent lines of thoughts together. Therefore, this post may just turn into lots of bullet points.  The most important thing for me is that I’ll be able to remember what I am feeling now, in the future, so I can see how I’ve adapted, adjusted, or just worsened, god forbid.

First, I’ve starting reading some message boards.  I wanted to read about bladder dysfunction and MS.  I’ve found out quite a bit.  I never really looked at it before, because I didn’t want to know.  I always saw that it was a possibility, but I didn’t want it to happen to me.  It turns out, I should have read more into it. 

I read that sexual dysfunctions go along with, or often precede bladder issues.  I haven’t said anything about sexual anything, mostly because it’s so freaken awkward.  First, I don’t know if the problem is caused by MS, this psychological BS going on in my head and just old age.  But no matter what, its awkward, and I have no desire to talk about it with a doctor, mental health person or ANYONE.  I figure, I’m female – there’s not much they can do about it.  There is no Viagra for girls.  It’s just kind of something I have to deal with.

Perhaps that’s true, but if that precedes bladder stuff, well, then perhaps if I had said something, at least to my doctor, it would have been found out about earlier.  Oh well, live and learn.

Next topic I saw on the message boards was titled, “Does M.S. Take Away Your Fear of Death?”

That caught my eye.  It was meant to spark a healthy debate about it, and it looks like it did.  I just thought about my answer and how I feel.

I definitely don’t think its takes away my fear of death.  It makes it more real, more necessary.  I feel that I have to have a plan of exit, in case the need arises.  I don’t want to feel like that, but geez, there has to be a point of end.  Not knowing what is going to happen is just life.  Knowing that something bad is going to happen – that’s just torture.

Someone posted that MS did not take away the fear of death – it created a fear of living.  I completely agree with that.

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