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Sunday, April 22, 2012

My therapist

I feel like I’m really meshing with my therapist.  Much better than I did with the previous one.   I don’t dread going to see her.  I think I’d rather not see her, cause needing to see her makes me feel like I’m crazy and somehow, not effective.  The truth though is that I’m not capable of dealing with everything, and seeing her is pretty helpful.

She’s young, younger than me I’m sure.  Once she said something about “being 30,” but I think it was the way one rounds up.  I’m guessing she’s 26 or 27.  I’m 34.  I’ve heard from others that I should be seeing someone with more experience, who has worked with patients with MS before, yadda yadda yadda.  At the end of the day, I like her demeanor, her logic, her people skills.  Someone who has been doing this 40 years might know a bit more about it, but I like her.  I don’t dread going there.  That’s what is most important to me.

I Google things all the time, especially about therapy.  I keep trying to find ways to bring up conversations.  When I was ridiculously stressed out that I didn’t have a suicide plan….and just a way to die, I googled an awful lot about that.  I needed to know that if I shared this with her, she wasn’t going to have me committed to some psych program or call an ambulance or something.  I never really found a concrete answer, but I told her everything that was going on anyway.  Nothing bad happened…it’s just something we talked about.

We did have a difference of opinion, and now that’s I’m feeling more stable, I can see that of course we do.  I was more worried about how I would die.  I wanted to know so that if the time arrived, I’d have a plan in place.  I didn’t necessarily have a time, but I needed to know a plan.  The biggest concern for me was HOW.  For her, it was WHY needing that how was so important.  I’m not sure what I was hoping to get out of it, I mean I knew, even if my chaotic state, that she wasn’t going to give me pointers. 

Anyway, I feel that that was perhaps to hardest conversation to have with her.  Probably not the most awkward – that will be the sex conversation – if and when we ever have it.  But it was the hardest, and it happened. 

When I first started seeing her, it was every two weeks.  Since that whole freak out week, it’s been weekly.  I kind of like it, in that I know I am going to see her if something comes up.  I don’t have to stress and I don’t have to make that dreaded phone call of asking for an appointment during an off week.  Perhaps we will soon go back to every two weeks.


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