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Sunday, April 22, 2012

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition”

Sundays are my typical think about my life, stress, have anxiety, etc.

Lately, Sundays have been thinking about therapy.  I wonder what my therapist would say to the things I’m thinking.  I’m good at telling her things in my head.  I’m not very good at knowing how she’ll respond.  I know it will be positive and “the glass is half full” kind of things, but I don’t really know what she will specifically say.  I will say, if she could bill me for all the time I spend thinking about her, she’s be a freaken billionaire.

That brings me to transference.  I’ve read a lot about it while I’m googling for things.  According to what I’ve read, I should either wish she was my mother and love me unconditionally, or have romantic feelings towards her.

First, she’s younger than me, so the mother thing just doesn’t pan out for me.  The romance – I’m a little skeptical about that too.  First, I don’t think she knows I’m a lesbian.  I’ve never actually said, “oh, I’m a lesbian.”  She could quite possibility have figured it out, and I’m sure it will come up at some point, but in the mean time, I’m not inclined to make it a big deal out of it.

As for her – I don’t think I even have a crush on her.  She’s cool, don’t get me wrong.  I think about her a lot, which is typically the signs of a crush.  But I don’t think of her in that capacity.  I don’t think of her in the bedroom, so to speak.  She’s totally my type – pretty low maintenance, no make-up, kind of thing, but she’s my therapist.  I think she’d be cool to hang out with, as a friend, but that’s about it.  And even that – I’m grateful she lives rather far away from me.  I’ll never accidently run into her at the grocery store or gas station – and that’s a good thing.  It would be so awkward. 

Now, moving on, I generally come up with some categories of things stressing me out or occupying my mind for when we meet.  The day we actually meet, I’m surprisingly calm and level headed, so its good for me to have things on my mind that had been a problem, even if that day they aren’t bothering me.

Today, I’ve kind of made even broader categories than normal.  It’s just feeling like the things left to talk about are the really difficult ones.  The things I don’t even want to admit to myself, never mind out loud, to another person.

First, I want to talk about termination.  I’ve never actually terminated with a therapist the correct way.  I’ve always just stopped going.  I generally feel guilty about that.  I want to do it right.

The reasons behind wanting to terminate is the part that makes me think that termination is the last thing I should be thinking about.  I want to terminate because I don’t want to deal with the rest of it.  I want her to think she’s helped me (which she has) and that’s it.  I want to be normal.  I don’t want to go to therapy weekly, and I don’t want to be taking antidepressants.  I want her to think I’m healed.   The logical next step is for me to tell her all the things I don’t want anyone to know…professional or not. 

I’m also scared of feeling this dependence on her.  I think about her all the time.  I don’t think that’s helpful or moving forward in any kind of direction.  I think that’s ridiculous.  I’m afraid it’s going to be get worse.  I’m kind of scared to have a crush on her.  Whether or not that’s normal, I think its unhealthy. 

I also don’t want to talk about the rest of it.  I feel like I’ve got a good handle on the immediate reasons that brought me there in the first place.  I can cope with the little daily things much better now then when I first started going.  The downside of that though, is that there’s other stuff, that I avoid even thinking about.   Without having to think about the daily things, my mind of course wanders to those.  In many ways, I don’t want to share those with her, because I know she will find a way for me to positively deal with them.  One would assume that’s a good thing.

I want to punish myself by having those things there without any resolution though.  I want to feel guilty about them.  I know that no matter how much good I do in this world, I didn’t speak up during those times when I should have, and I should feel bad about it.  This may sound crazy, but I feel  I deserve to suffer with them for the rest of my life.

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