Striving for...

What do you strive for most in your life: accomplishment, security, love, power, excitement, knowledge, or something else?

Something else - at least for now.  I am striving to like myself.  I hate to admit it, but I think I just have horrible self esteem right now.  In the end, that is what it all boils down to.

At work, I don't do as well as I could, because I'm afraid to fail.  It's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy. 

With MS, I feel like I am less of a person now.

With friends, I don't want to tell them anything about what I really feel, because I am afraid of how they will really see me.

With relationships, I feel like they are destined to fail since I am so miserable.  I don't even want to think about one, since I know I'll ruin it.

In therapy, I'm scared about what she'll think of me.  So I avoid all the things that make it known how much I really hate me.

Sights of Summer

My backyard is lit up with hundreds of lightening bugs. I've tried to take a picture, but that was an epic fail.

More boundary breakers

If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?

That's quite a difficult question, given my recent state of mind.  Usually, at camp, I say something along the lines of 25 people lead a more satisfying life than me.  I always figured I had it pretty well, although there was always someone better off than me.  That was ok with me though, as I always had something to work toward.

Today though, I feel rather different.  I feel that so many things are wrong with my life and the amount of stuff to fix is rather overwhelming.  Today, I would say 60 people have a more satisfying life than me. 

Now, I need to fix that.  I need to get over wallowing in self pity and work on it.  First, finances.  I need to deal with stuff that I haven't wanted to deal with.  That will be a great start.

Second, work.  I need to decide if I really want to do this, and if so, give it my all.  No more of this half ass bullshit.

Life outside of work - I need to get myself involved in something that's extracurricular or what not.  I should find a cause that I want to volunteer with or something.  I'll find it.  That will be good to keep me busy, perhaps meet new people and generally contribute to society.

inspiration

I've been thinking a lot about the various diversity, connection, team building activities we have done at camp.  I also feel in a bit of a blog rut - and only really talk about therapy.  So, I figure, answering some of these will be something else. 

These questions came from an activity we did during group's last night.  These questions were asked, in no particular order, and each member could answer.  "Pass" was always an option, but generally, folks got into it. 

What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

I think that's its much more difficult looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, whether its good or bad.  If you are telling them something good, like what a difference they have made to you, its almost awkward to be looking in their eyes.  If you are telling them something not-so-good, then its just horrible to see the look or hurt or sadness in their eyes.

It's not so bad looking into their eyes when they are telling you something.  That's almost easy.  If good, you feel you have a soul connection.  If negative, their eyes might be a little softer than their words and take some of the sting out it.

Secrets are too shameful, painful, terrifying, overwhelming, disintegrating and unbearable to speak out loud in case it makes it real, in case we have to relive them all over again.

I've been talking with my therapist quite a lot about the things I don't want to share with her.

The plus side of this is that I'm able to be pretty straight up with her about the fact that I'm not sharing everything.

And I'm not really lying. I'm just leaving out pertinent information. I'll eventually get to it though. Or at least so far I have.

She was concerned about why I feel the need to leave stuff out. There's 16 million reasons really. I didn't have one for her though.

She asked if I felt I needed to entertain her.

No. I mean I don't want to be a boring client, but I'm not worried about making her day. I do worry about being tiresome or hard headed though. If its something we already talked about and I'm still feeling or doing it again, then I feel like I'm an idiot and she's gonna get bored of the same thing over and over.

On My Own

Without a doubt, the theme song of my life, and most assuredly, the best song from a musical ever.

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak

I don't think I'm really strong enough for this therapy thing.

I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.

This is why I don’t read.  I start a book, and I cannot put it down until its done, no matter what else I have to do.  I started reading this book at 5pm.  I read until it was done at 10:30.

I got some books from the library.  I browse the catalog online, and then they ship them from surrounding libraries and can just pick them up  from the desk.  When I’m there, I always check out the displays they have.  Frequently, the best books I have found are not ones I heard about from someone, but a book that caught my eye on display.

Today was no excecption.  There was a book I spotted and in looking at the description, it didn’t seem like the kind of book I would read.  It set it down and kept looking.

I kept going back to it though.  Multiple times.  Finally, I just took it with the thought that if I started reading it and hated it, I’d just read one of the other books I had.  Or, I had so many, maybe I’d never get to it and just return it.

As I was checking out, the woman remarked upon this particular book.  “The Kite Runner.  Oh, this is such a good book.  You’ll be sobbing.”

Huh?  True, I was attempting to get a crying book.  I haven’t cried in forever, but felt like I needed to cry since the hospital.  No matter what, I haven’t been able to.  Even the saddest movies I know (PS I Love You, My Sister’s Keeper) have been unable to make me shed a tear.  I feel – hard I guess.  I just wanted to cry.

So of course, I get home and crack open this book.  I was hooked instantly.  But, it wasn’t a crying book for me – the story.

Randomly though, there would be a line or a paragraph, that would spark something.  It didn’t have anything to do with the story, but everything to do with my life. It started in the very first chapter.

That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned about you can bury it.  Because the past claw’s its way out.

It kept happening, over and over.  Little things, would set me off.  Don’t get me wrong – it felt so good to finally cry, but it was also this moment of clarity.  I had to figure out what it was that was making me cry.  I feel like I was forced to pay attention, not just to cry, but to figure out what I was crying about.  I think therapy made me think I need to do that…

My favorite postsecrets

I find postsecret like a big connection.  There's always some secrets I relate to.  Others I think are super intriguing and they make me want to learn more about humanity.  Some are funny, scary, taboo, or just downright sad.  No matter what they are, I love reading them every Sunday.

MS Walk 2012

·         I liked the MS Walk in Worcester better.  There was better energy – I reckon a lot of that was because it was out in public. 

·         There was hardly any volunteers there….that made it kind of sad.

·         I had lots of really nice people come out for the walk.  That made me feel loved.

·         I didn’t get ridiculous and upset this year – which was very good.  Good mental health space anyway.

·         MS Walk after coming off IV steroids kind of sucks.  It’s a Nyquil kind of night.

I’ve also had some observations through a variety of sources.

The general consensus from people I know in real life:

·         I handle MS very well.  My positive attitude is going to get me through it .

·         The doctors and nurses at the hospital said this to me multiple times.

·         The friends of friends who did my walk today said this.

·         My coworkers have said this.

·         My landlady said this.

·         People who know me well, or not so well as the case may be, are worried that I handle it well on the outside, but inside I’m a wreck.

Therein lies the truth.  Someone said this to my best friend – who knows me, albeit not that well.  When my friend and I were talking about it, I agreed.  So did my friend.  It’s the whole crux of it.  I feel fake.  Not just sometimes, but all the time.  I don’t want to be fake.  But I don’t want to be miserable on the outside as well.  I want to be good on the inside.  That’s the key difference.

It bothers me that not everyone just sees the me I want them to see.  But it makes me feel like there’s hope and I’m not so alone as well.

Does MS take away the fear of death?

I’m home, and can’t sleep.  Mostly because of the steroids I think, and lack of taking anything for sleeping.  Now it’s too late to take something, as I have the MS walk in morning.  So, instead I shall blog.  Or at least pretend blog.  I might decide to post it, I might just keep it for me.  We’ll see.

To start with, I can barely keep coherent lines of thoughts together. Therefore, this post may just turn into lots of bullet points.  The most important thing for me is that I’ll be able to remember what I am feeling now, in the future, so I can see how I’ve adapted, adjusted, or just worsened, god forbid.

First, I’ve starting reading some message boards.  I wanted to read about bladder dysfunction and MS.  I’ve found out quite a bit.  I never really looked at it before, because I didn’t want to know.  I always saw that it was a possibility, but I didn’t want it to happen to me.  It turns out, I should have read more into it. 

I read that sexual dysfunctions go along with, or often precede bladder issues.  I haven’t said anything about sexual anything, mostly because it’s so freaken awkward.  First, I don’t know if the problem is caused by MS, this psychological BS going on in my head and just old age.  But no matter what, its awkward, and I have no desire to talk about it with a doctor, mental health person or ANYONE.  I figure, I’m female – there’s not much they can do about it.  There is no Viagra for girls.  It’s just kind of something I have to deal with.

Perhaps that’s true, but if that precedes bladder stuff, well, then perhaps if I had said something, at least to my doctor, it would have been found out about earlier.  Oh well, live and learn.

Next topic I saw on the message boards was titled, “Does M.S. Take Away Your Fear of Death?”

That caught my eye.  It was meant to spark a healthy debate about it, and it looks like it did.  I just thought about my answer and how I feel.

I definitely don’t think its takes away my fear of death.  It makes it more real, more necessary.  I feel that I have to have a plan of exit, in case the need arises.  I don’t want to feel like that, but geez, there has to be a point of end.  Not knowing what is going to happen is just life.  Knowing that something bad is going to happen – that’s just torture.

Someone posted that MS did not take away the fear of death – it created a fear of living.  I completely agree with that.

Morgan's back!

Roid Rage

Finally home.  Exhausted.  Cranky.

Things I know:
* I hate MS
* I hate cathedars
* I hate steriods
* I'm unhappy about this MS walk tomorrow, although I was very happy about it before this most recent hospital stay.
* I need to think my thoughts in order and blog properly, but that's not happening tonight.

Going home day!

Not a moment too soon!

almost home!

I'm still in the hospital, but going home tomorrow.  THANK GOD!  My MS walk is Saturday, and I'll be home in time for it.  I'll be walking funny from these steriods, but that's ok.  I'll just look more like I have MS :)

Still not peeing quite correctly yet, but I'm hopeful it will soon!