Where are you living right now – the past, future or present?

I think I spend 1/3 of my time living in the past, 1/3 living in the present and 1/3 in the future.  One would think that's well rounded, but its probably actually very unhealthy.

I live in the past when I think of all things I used to be able to do and can't do anymore.  I wish I could and sometimes imagine and try, but fail miserably.

I live in the present, but not thinking about the future.  I can't imagine or see a future.  That's also not good.

I live in the future when I think about all the things that can wrong with my life.  It's not a hopeful future, its a scary future and one I dread.

So, none of those times are particularly effective.  I need to find an effective spin to put on it.

I want to remember the good times of the past, but not be sad they are not here now.  I need to remember my past made me who I am today.  I need to focus on the current moment.  I need to accept what I can and cannot do, and be comfortable with it.  I need to see a positive future.  Lots of great things can happen.  Heck, they could find a cure for MS.  That would be the most amazing future, but even without, I can do great things.  I can live a happy life.

What advice would you give to yourself three years ago?

Live.  Really live. Take advantage of EVERYTHING.  Yes, the kids at work might make you crazy, and your family may drive you nuts, but it's so worth it.

Life is good.  You are on the verge of greatness.  Enjoy this time.  Take every advantage you can.  Good things can happen if you seek them out.

When you start to feel weird - numb as the case may be - get it looked it right away.  I know you'd rather ignore it and hope it goes away, but it won't.   The quicker you can catch it, the better off you'll be.

You have some really great friends.  Cherish them.  Take advantage of their wonderfulness.  They are the kind of folks who will be with you forever.  They love you and you love them.

Know that you are about to face a few challenges.  It's not going to be easy, but you can totally do it.  Keep your mind in the right place and anything is possible.

Hurricane Sandy

Geez.  Maybe it really is the end of times.  Last year at this time, we had a snowstorm which caused major havoc for a week or more.  It was unprecedented early for a snowstorm in these parts.

This year, we have Hurricane Sandy.  Unprecedented late and not at all normal for these parts.

First, the school's announced they would be closed.  That was fine.  In that case, we run a snow day program and I was gearing up for that.

Now, my Y has decided they were going to close.  That's definitely not normal, but means a day off for me.  Unfortunately that day off is also the anniversary of mom's death.  Hopefully we'll loose power, and I can just sleep through it.  That would be ideal!

circle of people

When I worked at a camp that had an inclusion program, we had a lot of ways to train the staff in working with children with disabilities.  All staff needed to know general things about working with all children.  The specific counselors working with the children with disabilities needed to know more, but everyone needed to know about inclusion and how to include everyone.

To teach this, we used the people chart.  There were three circles.  On the inside circle, there was a person's family.  The middle circle was comprised of friends.  The outside circle was professional people.  They were people that were involved with a child's life, but paid to do so.

The family circle looked the same for both typically developing children and those with disabilities.  It was the other two that showed a drastic difference.  Children with disabilities had few friends, but lots of professional folks.  The opposite was true for the typical kids.

My circle:

The professional circle has gotten much larger since getting MS.  I guess that is to be expected.  The family circle is the same as its always been, except since my mom's passing.  The friend circle is relatively the same. I'm not one of who has millions of friends, but I have close ones that matter to me.

The professional circle starts to bother me.  Before MS, I rarely saw a doctor.  I wouldn't even include them in my circle I saw them so infrequently.  Now, I see my neurologist every 4 months, a therapist weekly and the others as I need to.

I almost forgot to look at Postsecret this week.

I go to therapy on Thursdays.  It would be pretty cool if this was from my therapist, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't apply.  Still fun to imagine.

This was the most shared secret this week, and its beautiful.

Preparing for Sandy

Last year, at this time, it was the October snowstorm.  Power was out for a week.  There wasn't a ton of snow, but all the leaves were still on the trees, and the snow made trees fall EVERYWHERE.

This year, we have Hurricane Sandy heading our way.  It's not suppose to be as bad at the snowstorm last year, but still a likelihood to loose power and what not.

In preparation, I've filled my gas tank, and am baking all sorts of goodies to eat if I can't actually cook.  I also postponed a shipment of medication in case the power goes out. There's no point in getting it if I don't have power to refrigerate it.  I have tonight's dose, and then they'll call me back on Tuesday to schedule the rest.

It's also been a year since my mom died.  The technical anniversary is Monday.  I miss her, a lot.  I guess I always will.

This past week, I went to one of those MS presentations.  This one had my doctor as the guest speaker though.  That was wicked cool.  My doctor really is amazing.  I'm really glad she's mine.

baby shower good times!

Baby Shower

I've been baking, wrapping, planning all day long for my best friend's surprise baby shower tomorrow!  I can't wait....its going to be ridiculously fun.

New favorite show - Emily Owens MD

The thing about being an adult, that no one tells you growing up, is that you don't feel like an adult.  All your stupid insecurities and anxieties are still there, only you feel even more stupid and insecure about being stupid and insecure because you're not suppose to be stupid and insecure anymore.  You're suppose to have the answers.  You are suppose to know.  But we don't always know.  And those answers, they're not always easy to come by.

Well, you know what.  I'm done feeling stupid and insecure about feeling stupid and insecure.

The truth is, I think part of being an adult is that you stop waiting for yourself to change and you start accept who you are.  Come on, it's gotta get better than this, right?

Life is interesting

I saw that someone found by blog by searching for the phrase "gf diagnosed with ms and freaked out."

That was very weird.  Mostly, people come here from MS bloggers, direct links or some random search phrase that got them here.  Postsecret posts and To Kill and Mockingbird quotes have generated lots of traffic.  Even, a picture I put up with some quote made it to Pininterest.

But its pretty random that I have a hit that stems from actual worry about MS.  This, for some reason, really impacted me.  It makes me think of that video on the National MS Society website I saw a long time ago.

This search term made me think of that video - and spoiler alert - the girl who was diagnosed 7 days ago.  I remember when that was me.  I felt like I didn't even know which way was up.  I was scared and confused and no idea what was happening to me.  7 days into diagnosis I didn't even have my eyesight back yet.  It was a horrible time!

Now, today, it's not so bad.  It annoys the crap out of me and gets in the way, but I'm not so scared.  It's not as horrible as I feared it was going to be.  I can live with MS.

Today was the coolest day ever!

Zombie Run

I'm volunteering at a Zombie run this weekend.  It's a traditional 5K run, except there are obstacles you have to go through and Zombies chase you.  If you finish the run with at least one flag, you can boast that you survived the Zombie apocalypse.  It's pretty cool.  I'm going to be a zombie!

World Mental Health Day

 

It's Thursday.  Thursday means I'm visiting my therapist.

I often think about what we will talk about Wednesday night.  Sometimes, I forgot I'm going and then stress about what to think of.  I usually have an idea, but often try to avoid talking about that as long as I can.

I enjoy hearing about her.  She's starting her own private practice, and I find it fascinating.  Eventually, when it gets big, I imagine I won't see her anymore.  That thought kind of makes me sad, but for now, I'm not worried about it.  With some luck, I won't need to see her anymore by then anyway.

Tomorrow is my next visit.  I haven't been feeling physically well lately, MS related and most likely a kidney infection.  I'm choosing not to treat it.  That's totally a mental health issue and while I'd be content to bring it up, I know I really should.

I don't know what she is going to say.  I'm quite positive she will want me to call my doctor.  I know she won't understand why I don't want to, and if I try to explain it, I'm going to end up crying.  I realize therapy is a great place to cry and yadda yadda yadda, but I HATE crying in there.   She doesn't judge or anything if I do, just offers some Kleenex, but still, I HATE it.  It feels awkward and ridiculous.

I'm going to have to find the courage to bring this up tomorrow - and then hope for the best. I can't even predict where or how the conversation will go.

pumpkin picking field trip!

What a day - it was long, but wonderful.

And what full day program is not complete without a 5 year old running out of the locker room into the hallway stark naked because she forgot her bathing suit in the gym.

Best part of today - hearing a parent who usually complains about EVERYTHING that she loved the staff at her son's site and how well her son was doing in school because of the staff.  Excellent.

My favorite season

Fall is my favorite season.  I love the brisk, cool, nights.  I love wearing hoodies, sweat pants and sweaters.  It feels so refreshing.

I only begrudge fall because it precedes winter.  That's my least favorite season.

But for now, having the window open, and having it be chilly inside.  I LOVE it.  I will try very hard to not turn on my heat until November 1st.  For now, I'm cozy in my hoodie, sweat pants and blanket wrapped around me.  I have my fuzzy socks on and I'm happy as a clam.

If you can find a path without obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

That's not true, actually, I do.  I have MS.  That's what is wrong with me.  I'm not positive if that is what is going on, but it probably is.

The thing is, my thinking, my logic is so skewed about it right now.  My lower back hurts.  A lot.  It's probably my kidneys and its probably cause I'm having issues peeing again.  That's all a guess, but a fairly educated one.

My left arm is numb too.  Both of these things are a pretty good sign a relapse is in my future.  I'm flipping pissed.  I can't deal with that.  I don't want to deal with that.  I'm on this stupid medication to avoid this from happening.

THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.  Hell, I'm doing a job that isn't my love, because of stupid MS.  It's not that hard.  I want to be doing the harder job.  I can't do an easy job and have this MS crap going on.

And I forgot to bring my happy pills while I'm dog sitting, so I haven't taken them in the last 3 days.  I don't know how long it takes to experience withdrawal, but it may be a contributing factor to my mood.

Here's my thoughts.  Let's say its a kidney infection again.  I'm ignoring it.  That will lead to kidney failure.  I'll ignore that too.  Eventually, I'd die.  It's like the easy way to end my life.  I'm ok with that.  In fact, I'd welcome it.

And thinking that scares the bejesus out of me.  Not enough to do anything about it, but enough.  I suppose this is something I should discuss in therapy this week, but I'm very confident my therapist will disagree with me.

whoa is me

I'm in a great deal of pain, and I'm pretty certain its my kidneys.  I feel like there must be something wrong with that whole system and thus its caused a kidney infection.  I'm cranky and really don't want to deal with it.

tomorrow is going to be another LONG day

1.  I hate management sometimes, and I really hate stupid employees who exist to make my job harder.  The thing is, I can deal with a lack of knowledge or incompetence.  But this person does what I expect when I'm around, then the minute I leave, goes back to their old ways.  That just pisses me off.

2. Square dancing starts one week from tomorrow.  I'm excited!