C-A-M-P

The clocks have changed, and I am off to the American Camp Association conference in Atlantic City.  This is by far my favorite conference ever!

There are so many amazing speakers and exhibits and it's just such a fun place.  I'm looking forward to seeing many old friends, and getting to know some others in my Y.  It's going to be good!

Is it too soon to feel this way?

What does it mean to be a lover? It is more than just being married to or making love to someone. millions of people are married, millions of people have sex - but few are real lovers. To be a real lover, you must commit to and participate in a perpetual dance of intimacy with your partner.

You are a lover when you appreciate the gift that your partner is, and celebrate that gift every day.
You are a lover when you remember that your partner does not belong to you - he or she is on loan from the universe.

You are a lover when you realize that nothing that happens between you will be insignificant, that everything you say in relationship has the potential to cause your beloved joy or sorrow, and everything you do will either strengthen your connection or weaken it.

You are a lover when you understand all this, and thus wake up each morning filled with gratitude that you have another day in which to love and enjoy your partner.

When you have a lover in your life, you are richly blessed. you have given the gift of another person who has chosen to walk beside you. He or she will share your days and nights, your bed and your burdens. Your lover will see secret parts of you that no one else sees. He or she will touch places on your body that no one else touches. Your lover will seek you out where you have been hiding, and create a haven for you within safe, loving arms.

Your lover offers you an abundance of miracles every day. She has the power to delight you with her smile, her voice, the scent of her neck, the way she moves. She has the power to banish your loneliness. She has the power to turn the ordinary into the sublime. She is your doorway to heaven here on earth.

- Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.

"Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end."

I didn't think I could ever be this happy.  It's kind of crazy, and I often question if its real.  It definitely makes MS pretty much nonexistent.

I miss this joint!

I've been neglecting posting lately.

First, because I got a new computer.  I haven't moved the bookmarks from my old one.   But, I missed my blogging and so I've found it and come back.

Second, this whole girlfriend thing.  She's taken up quite a bit of my time, but I really enjoy it.  Last week, when I had flu day, she seemed so sad that I was going to have to take a shot every week for the rest of my life that made me have the flu for a day.

I didn't point out that this was a best case scenario.  If it stops working, it means the disease has progressed and that's worse.  But I didn't want to scare her away.  Not yet, anyway.

broken computer, new girlfriend and jealousy?

First, my computer is acting up.  The mouse does not click correctly.  When you push it, it stays registered that it's clicked until you click it like 6 more times.  Except, it's not exactly 6, its just random.  So doing ANYTHING is super annoying because the mouse keeps selecting all and what not.

Onto the good news.  I had this mother of a former camper and staff member set up with this woman she knew.  I had very low hopes for this.

We went on a date Saturday and really hit it off.  I figured it was going to be awkward and horrible, and while I guess it started a little that way, it was brilliant.  I really enjoyed her and her company and her conversation.  It was good.

I ended up telling her I had MS.  I sort of had to.  She was talking about hanging together Sunday, but Sunday is my flu day.  If I just said, "no, I'll have the flu" that would sound like the lamest excuse ever.  So, I told her.  She didn't say much, but we still made plans for Monday.  That was a good sign.

On Monday, she brought up MS.  She said she didn't know much about it, and wanted to know the prognosis for me.  That's kind of scary...when someone you potentially like asks something like that.  I was honest, but probably more hopeful about life then I sometimes feel.  She was okay with it.

What I didn't mention, and probably should, I keep my house pretty cold.  I mean, I've always had it colder than normal, but now especially cold.  I just feel sick when its warmer than 62.  So, one thing leads to another and I end up sleeping with her, which was lovely, but she also commented she was chilly.  I felt bad, and next time she comes over, I'll have to remember to turn the heat up, literally.  But, if its too warm, I reckon I'd be too hot to do anything.

Besides that, I'm happy.  It's weird, and I'm totally not the sort of girl to fall like this.  It's very weird.  But, I'm happy.  The smiling all the time kind of happy.

365 posts

32. What do we all have in common besides our genes that makes us human?
I think emotions.  We all feel happy, sad, confused, scared, overwhelmed, elated and defeated.  Everyone feels the whole range.  Some might feel more of one than another, but we all feel everything.  No matter how hard we try to not show some of them.

33. If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?
To Kill a Mockingbird.  It's by far my favorite book, and the movie is pretty good too.  In every stage of my life that I have read it, I have found some new meaning and hope for the world.  It's not horrible to read, like Shakespear, for example, but straight forward and shares a basic message that everyone should be exposed to.

34. Would you rather have less work or more work you actually enjoy doing?
Well, I enjoy my work, and I guess it's quite a bit of work, although not over the top.  But I think with MS, I couldn't handle more work.  So, to answer this, I guess I would have to say less work, but I also wouldn't like less work that I did not enjoy.  I'm content with my career right now, I think.

35. What is important enough to go to war over?
Gosh, I wish there would never be war.  I'd say religion has been a big cause of war for as long as there has been war.  I think that's ridiculous and different religions should work on respecting each other, rather than fighting over who is right.

I think oppression of humans is a noble reason to go to war, but who is to say what is oppressing.  The most articulate leaders are the ones who convince large groups of people they are right.  Looking back, there is no doubt that Hitler was the ultimate oppressor, yet so many people followed him and fought to keep his way going.

36. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I think, obviously, its never trying.  But I am still more apt to not try something that is probable I will fail.  I don't know if that is human nature, or just Heidi nature, but it's true.

37. When was the last time you listened to the sound of your own breathing?
Actually, fairly recently, in Tai Chi.  I was keenly aware of that fact that I was breathing whistle-ly.  I'm getting that mid winter stuffed up feeling and in Tai Chi I noticed it.  

38. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
That's a difficult one actually.  I think sleep.  I'm so particular about my sleeping position and routine, yet so random.  I remember as a child, sharing a bed with my grandmother, and being amazed that she slept on her back, all right with never moving.  I can't do that.  I turn a lot, but always have to end up in one specific position on either side.

39. What does ‘The American Dream’ mean to you?
I think it means very little to me.  I think it applies more to first and second generation Americans.  It's not something I have ever thought about in a personal sense.  I think though, it means the ability to try anything.  You can be what you want and believe what you want.  Of course, money is always helpful.

40. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
I thin genius.  I feel like I used to be very intelligent and sharp, and since the onset of MS. I feel slow and dumb a lot of the time.  Although, I wouldn't like to be worried all the time, I would like my logical thinking back.

41. If you could instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby’s mind, what advice would you give?
You are loved.  Always, by someone.  When you have those moments that everyone has, know that deep down, you are a valuable person and worth a lot to everyone.

42. What is the most desirable trait another person can possess?
Compassion

43. What are you most grateful for?
That I live in a country, world, time period that I can get medical care, mental health care and educational opportunities as I need.

44. Is stealing to feed a starving child wrong?
Wasn't there a musical that really came down to this thought?  Stealing is not right, but neither are starving children, or people, for that matter.  I think there should be systems in place to make sure no child starves and then no one would have to steal to feed them.

Alois Bell

Photos of receipts going viral is kind of fun to follow.  I've never once, even thought about writing something on a receipt other than the dollar amounts and my signature.  There's been quite a few stories lately about random bills and receipts with things written on them.

My favorite was a good story, about a Red Robin family, with a VERY pregnant wife.  The manager added in the computer a coupon and called it Mom 2 Bee, and gave her meal free.  I thought that was sweet.

This one.  Not so much.  First of all, the woman, Alois Bell, is a minister.  She wrote she gives God 10%, so why should this waiter get 18%.  It might sound logical at first.

However, if you really are giving God 10%, you are giving God 10% of your TOTAL income, not of one restaurant bill.  You're a pastor.  You are in the word of helping God's people.  That means everyone, just so ya know.

And if you're going to be cheap, don't admit who you are and that you are a person of the cloth.  This will just go into my reasons for not wishing to have any part of organized religion.

What have I gotten myself into?

I have a ... date Saturday!   I don't date.  I fall for friends, coworkers, professors, etc, but I don't just date someone.  And yet, Saturday, I am.  I'm so not cut out for this.  I imagine awkward conversations, weird feelings and potential heartbreak.  Oi Vei.

I think I'd rather have MS than date someone.

finally, a flu day to myself

The last couple of Avonex injections have been coincided with lots of things to get done.  Therefore, I've had to just suffer through flu day and not deal with it.  Today, finally, was flu day, and I had nothing to do.  I was able to just sleep and be.  I enjoyed it.  I've rather missed it.  It was miserable, and I was up for most of the night feeling feverish.  Even so, I've enjoyed the day as much as one can.

I saw a new doctor this week.  I wanted, and the hospital scheduled me, for an appointment with a local neurologist.  That will be much more helpful than my wonderful doctor, who is too far away.

I'm in the examination room.  She comes in, and introduces herself, but tells me I can call her Yvonne.  I just smile and warmly say hello.  She then looks at me, and says, "You don't recognize me, do you?"

I don't and have no idea where I would know her from.  All the doctors from the hospital were male, so that can't be it.

She then tells me she was a nurse for me at Camp Howe years ago.  Her name is familiar to me at this point.  Thing is, I can't remember if I liked her, or disliked her as a nurse.  Now, she's a doctor.  That's pretty cool.  As a doctor, I like her anyway, even if I didn't back then.

365 posts

25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right?

I think its always the time.  But it's so hard to do.  This question is impossible, because there is always a moment to calculate rewards and risks, and a moment to just do what is right.  I guess, its always better to do what is right and not spend time thinking or worrying about risk and rewards.  

26. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

In many ways, I think I'd be young.  I have the personality of someone in their early 20's.  But my body physically, would be in it's 50's, I'm sad to say.

27. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

I definitly would.  I'm analytical, and I'd try to work within the confines of the law, but if I had to, I'd break it.    I'm not sure what laws I would break. Speeding seems the most likely.  I'm not certain that there's many laws I'd face that would help someone I loved.

28. What makes you smile?

Memories.  Great memories of summer camp, of people I admire or enjoy to be with.  Moments when I am proud or feel accomplished.  Cute puppies.  Gilmore Girls.

29. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I don't think so.  I try to do a lot of what I say.  I tend to, try at least, practice what I preach.  

30.If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?  Be accepting.  Tolerate others.  Learn to celebrate diversity.  In all aspects.  If someone doesn't agree with you, that doesn't make them a bad person.  That just means you have a difference of opinion.  That's ok.  Agree to Disagree.

31.  If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

Wow.  I'd be almost dead by now, or at least facing mortality in the fairly soon future.  I think I would have spent more time worrying about having a partner or children.  Right now, I still see time for those things and while I'm pretty sure I don't want children or my own, it's not out the question yet.  

winter, work, wages and words

It's flipping cold right now.  Granted, in much colder in many parts of the world, but for here, its a deep freeze kind of cold.  I think its going to get to 20 below tonight.  Today was a high of 6.  I'm talking farenheit here, cause of course, I'm in the US - Massachusetts.  It's cold.  Even I'm cold and I'm seldomly cold.

I was in Virginia last week.  I went to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I work the day after Christmas, so I went to celebrate in January.  When I left, it was snowing.  I was a little worried about my train, but it was still running.  I got down there.  The first day was lovely.  Then, it snowed down there.  It barely snowed, but school was canceled in the area on Friday.  Then, I came back.  I came back to it snowing.

The snow has stopped, and there isn't much of it, but now, it's cold.  Very very cold.

And the family.  I really want to love my family.  But, they make me so nuts.  I find the whole thing depressing.  My nana is really old.  She's almost 90.  She's the last of her siblings to still be alive.  She's forgetful, lost her sight and hearing and generally, not good.  I'm sad to say, the next time I go to Virginia will probably be for her funeral.  Of all the family down there, she's the one I really like.

My dad also isn't doing all that well.  He has Parkinson's.  It sucks, big time.

With all that going on, I can't find compassion for them.  I have so much hostility in me.  After I was there about 2 hours, I remembered why I haven't been down there for 4 years.

And work.  I don't know what is going on.  They aren't paying their bills.  They aren't talking to the people we owe money to.  That's something I would do, not something a huge corporation should be doing.  Are you kidding me?

And the pay cut with the social security increase has hurt me, pretty big time.  It's only like $30 a paycheck, but its $30 I can't afford right now.  I can't wait until I get my W2's and can file my taxes.  That refund will help a bit.

365 posts

16. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
No, I can't say I have.  I've been a little petty lately.  I'm not proud of that, and I suppose that is memorable, but not for a good thing.  Tai Chi maybe, that will be worth remembering I guess.  Maybe it will turn into a lifetime thing.  Maybe.

17. What does your joy look like today?
Children.  Children having fun, learning, taking risks, and enjoying life.   That's joy, pure and simple.

18. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?
Yes, definitely.  Not saying something is also a lie.  Especially when it's something that you should be saying. Sometimes we do it to protect ourselves and other times we do it to protect others, but its still a lie.

19. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
Not long at all.  Geez, I speak so horribly to myself.  I can't imagine even making a friend that treated me the way I treat myself.

20. Which activities make you lose track of time?
Reading, surfing the internet, scrapbooking, talking with friends

21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
I would teach camp related things.  My best memories and life moments came from teaching staff during training and during the summer.  I loved teaching them how to teach, how to work with behavior problems, how to do their jobs.  It was the best time of my life.

22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
Multiple Sclerosis?  I'd love to not have that in my life.  I think maybe I'll regret the single life.  I like it now.  In fact, I prefer it now, but maybe one day, I'll get lonely.

23. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
Anger - with myself, my friends, my family.  Jealously with all the same people.

24. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?

My health.  I hope it will be good by then!

bad moods

I'm totally in a cranky mood.  Nothing seems to make me happy.  How do I get myself out of this??

star gazing

I spent a long time outside last night.  The sky was so clear and I could see tons of stars.  It felt like I could see every star in the universe.  I love looking at the sky.

At camp, we would often star gaze with the children.  While laying on the grass, I enjoyed to tell them the story of how the stars came to be.

It was long, long ago.  All kinds of animals roamed the earth.  This was before people were even here.  It was sunny all the time, and animals played, sang and danced in the sunshine.  Life was good and they enjoyed the sun all day, everyday.  Night never existed back in those days.

Then, one day, the animals started to bicker.  It was just a little bit at first, but it quickly grew.  The animals became jealous of each other and could often be heard calling each other names.  The elephants told the squirrels they were better, because of their size.  The fish told the birds they were better because they could swim anywhere they wanted.  The earth was no longer pleasant.  The animals were so mean to each other.

Mother Earth was displeased.  She tried to talk to the animals.  She tried to make each one of them see that they were valued on the earth.  It would work, for a little while, but soon, the animals would start fighting again.  She didn't know what to do.

One day, the name calling and fighting was especially bad and she was very frustrated with all the animals.  She took a big blanket and threw it over the earth in complete frustration with the fighting.

The animals were shocked!  They never saw darkness and all of a sudden, everything was black.  They called out to Mother Earth, "oh please, make this darkness go away!  We want the warm sun back!"

After a while, Mother Earth thought they learned their lesson.  She told them she would take the blanket away, but they could not fight anymore.

The animals promised to get along.  That promise was soon broken, as they went back to their old, angry ways.  Teasing, name calling, meanness and arguing were common place again.

Mother Earth got so upset, she put the blanket back and refused to remove it.  If that was how they wanted to behave, then she felt they could live in the dark forever.  

The animals begged and called to her to remove the blanket.  She ignored their pleas.  She refused to remove the blanket.

After a long time of darkness, the animals figured out Mother Earth was not going to remove the blanket.  They did not like the darkness though.  They started talking to each other to try and figure out how to get the blanket off.

The giraffes were the first to try.  They stretched out their long necks as far as they could, and tried to grab the blanket.  But, they were not tall enough.

Next, the squirrels tried.  They climbed to the very top of the tallest tree there was.  They took a leap, hoping to grab the blanket!  But, they were not tall enough.

Finally, the birds tried.  They thought they could fly way up high to the blanket and yank it down.  But, even they could not reach the blanket.  

All the animals thought it was hopeless.  They kept talking and trying to figure out how to get that blanket off.  None of them was able to get to it.

Then, they had an excellent idea.  No animal could do it on their own.  But maybe, if the animals all tried together, maybe they could do it.

They started with the biggest animals.  Elephants stood strong and proud.  On top of them, the horses stood.  On top of them, the donkeys stood.  And so their tower continued.  Animals sitting on top of other animals until they were taller than even the tallest tree.  

The birds finally crawled up to the top.  They stood there, higher than they had even flown earlier.  They took a deep breath and soared off into the skies.  They got close, very close to the blanket.  Their beaks poked through, leaving holes in the blanket, but they could not bring it down.

The whole tower of animals toppled over.  The animals were frustrated, but they thought they might be able to do it.  They built their tower again, this time with each animal standing a little taller and prouder than the first time.  The birds climbed their way to the top, then took flight, aiming for that blanket.

Again, their beaks poked though, but they could not pull the blanket off.  The tower toppled again.

The animals felt they were so close, they sure if they tried one more time, they will see success.  Each animals helped the others to be just a little bit taller.  This time, the dogs stood on just their hind legs.  The giraffes held their necks as tall and straight as they could.

The birds climbed up to the top.  They took off, soaring higher than they had ever been before.  And yet, still not enough.  Their little beaks poked more holes into the blanket, but no matter how hard they tried, they could not get the blanket down.  All the animals collapsed onto the grass in exhaustion.

Mother Earth had been watching all of this.  She was very proud of the animals and how hard they worked together.  They were not fighting, but helping each other every step of the way.  She came to talk to them.

"My friends.  I've been watching you.  I saw how well you all worked together.  There was happiness once again on the Earth while you helped each other.  I am very proud of you.  I am going to take the blanket away, because I saw how well you could behave with each other.  But, I am afraid you will soon start fighting again.  Each day, I will give you plenty of time to enjoy the sunshine.  At night, though, I will put the blanket back, to remind you that you should always help each other and work hard to take care of each other."

And the stars you see at night?  Those are the holes that the bird's beaks made when they tried to take the blanket off themselves.  As you look at the stars, remember to help others and work hard to take care of others.

365 posts

Back again!

9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
I guess there's a lot of things I believe and other disagree, but then again, those same things, there are plenty of others that agree.  Politics, religion, all those controversial things - they would fit.

I guess my future, I seem to disagree.  I feel like I will be alone forever, and that is the way it is meant to be.  I'm fairly content with it.  Most people think that's just hopelessness talking and that I'll find someone and be better off with them.  I disagree.  I am good on my own, and I don't have to worry about becoming a burden to someone.

10.  What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
I'd have to say open up in therapy.  I used to keep so much to myself, that really, there was no point whatsoever in going.  With this therapist though, who I've been seeing almost a year, I'm much more likely to open up.  I'm fairly proud of that.  I think that it's going to turn into being more honest and open with my friends.\

11. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
Well, for others, I think its a great thing, when they can cry.  I think it's a great release for them.  For me, I think it's a good release.  I feel better after a good cry.  But, for me personally, I feel like crying in front of others, its weak and I hate doing it.

12. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
I would handle my MS differently.  I would be more honest with people about what I really think and feel about it.  I'm mostly honest on my blog, cause well, no one I know irl knows about it.  But to those I know in real life, they know very little about how I really feel about MS.  If I knew I wouldn't be judged, I'd be more honest about it.

13. Do you celebrate the things you do have?
No, not nearly enough.  I have amazing friends, a brother and sister that are better than no other, a roof over my head, a kind landlord, enough money for what I need (although, more would always be nice!), a supportive boss, a job with wonderful staff and kids (mostly) and most of the time, I focus on what I don't have.  I want to get much better at celebrating the good things!

14. What is the difference between living and existing?
Living is enjoying all that life has to offer.  Existing just happens.  Everyone exists, but not everyone truly lives.  Living is necessary for a fulfilling life!

15. If not now, then when?
That's a question I need to ask myself daily.  It's a great motivator and a great way to approach each day.

dilema

This girl, who is now and adult, but I knew her well as a camper and then staff member, well, she recently got married.  Her now-husband is the best friend of my brother-in-law.

Anyway, she texted me a couple weeks ago and said her mom (who is CRAZY in her own right), wanted to set me up with someone.  Would I go to a barbecue in which this girl was also invited?

I agreed, thinking it could be fun, and it would be easy enough.  There would be lots of people and who knows, it could lead somewhere.

So yesterday, the mother calls me.  She said she gave this girl my number and she'd call me in a few days to set up lunch or coffee or something.

BARBECUE.  Summer.  What the heck just happened?  That's not what I envisioned, and I don't date.  I suck at it in fact.  I end up falling for people I am friends with first, and thus relationships happen.  It definitely doesn't come from blind dates.

Now, I'm stressed about this woman calling me and what exactly I am going to say.

Things that make you go hmmmm

I think I know what spasticity is.

Avonex

On the night of my shop, I typically wake up around 4am with a fever from my Avonex.  Last night was no different.  

I got up, ate something, took some Tylenol PM and went back to sleep.  I wonder, if this medication thing is the wrong choice for me.  I know lots of people with MS who don't take meds, and I know people who MS who do.  How do I know what is the right choice for me?

Tai Chi

I've signed up to be part of a MS study.  It's taking 3 weeks of Tai Chi and seeing how to that helps people with MS and improving balance.

I did a study a few years ago at the same place.  I've lost feeling in the bottoms of my feet since then.  The first time, I could feel the smallest bristles, and this time, it was like the 4th and 5th ones I felt.  That's sad.

Tai Chi though, is going to be very cool!

365 posts

I've determined, posting one question a day is going to get very difficult.  Perhaps I shall do them in bunches :)  That will be a bit more manageable.

4. What gets you excited about life?
The promise of potential.  Anything can happen at any time, and I'm usually excited about that.  I'm not talking about the bad stuff - I mean the good things.  Great things can happen every single day and I look forward to the little surprises life has to offer.

5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
That would definitely be what happens when you mess with friends and relationships. I hurt someone I deeply cared about, and although we're civil to each other when we see each other, the friendship is no longer there.  She was someone I considered a good friend, and now she's barely an acquaintance.

6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago? 
5 years ago, I was in college again.  I was a great student, but I will I made more social connections.  I always felt out of place, because I was the "old" returning to school student, but I think it let me avoid things too.  I could have done more, met more people...made some other friends.

7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
I think I'm pretty good at asking questions, especially about subjects that interest me.  I like to learn.  It excites me.  I guess there are things I could ask more questions about things I don't care so much about to learn, but, that's kind of life.

8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
I think I'm pretty unlovable these days.  There is one person that I will always love, I reckon, but I'm not doing anything about it.  I can't and shouldn't.

Interestingly enough, I took that question to mean romantic love.  I love lots of people in a friend love way.  I should make sure to appreciate them more.  That would be good, but I think I also tell them that I love them.

proud

I'm so ridiculously proud of myself tonight.  I brought up a subject that I've been struggling with a lot lately in therapy today.  It was so hard to bring up, and I stumbled and stuttered and muttered around, but I brought it up.

It's a pretty big deal for me.  It seems silly, and one should be able to talk about anything in therapy, but that's not me.  And therapy started, and we made small talk and talked about the holidays, and I thought I could carry on and not bring up the topic I was avoiding.

Then, I just told her I had something to talk about that was really difficult for me.  She was patient, kind and just let me ramble, for what seemed like forever.  (I have to give her credit - someone pussy footing around like I was would drive me insane.  Totally not a profession I could ever do!)

And finally, I spit it out.  It's not even someone I would post on here, but I guess I feel better about it.  At the very least, I talked with someone who wasn't judgemental about it, and just listened to me.  She wasn't (at least that I could tell) horrified or appalled by it.  She just listened, and offered a perspective I hadn't thought of.

I guess, it's still there and still something that worries me.  But it's not a burden that I am carrying all by myself.  I'm going to be ok.

365 posts

3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?

You won't die from MS.  You will die with MS.

I was completely scared about MS.  I had no idea what to expect, or what it meant.  It felt very much like a death sentence.  I didn't know which way was up and I felt like I was just sucked punched.  I was so ridiculously scared.

My doctor said this and it put a whole lot into perspective.

365 posts

2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

I compare myself to a lot of people actually.  It's never good, but I compare myself to my coworkers, my friends, my boss, even strangers.  Generally, I see the really good things about them and the not-so-good things about myself.  I guess its a good way of looking at the world, but not a good way to internalize it.  

If I am looking at someone else poorly, and think I'd better, stronger, whatever, then I only end up feeling bad about myself.  It's kind of a no-win there.

365 questions in a year

1. When was the last time you tried something new?

Well, I tried some new foods on New Year's Eve.  I guess that counts.  I also tried the water aerobics class at my Y before Christmas break.  I enjoyed that, and will do it again.  Other than that, haven't tried a lot of new things lately.

My goal, within this month, will be to try something new.  Perhaps knitting - that's not new, but something I haven't done in a really long time.  I'd like to get back into it.  So, I shall knit again - and learn a new stitch, so it counts for something new.

If you can make it through the night, you will see another brighter day.

Today is a much better day.  With vacation last week, and a brand new year, I had a lot to do.  I feel very accomplished when I get to cross many things off of my to-do list, and that's the kind of morning I had.  I was just crossing them all off.  It was very nice.

I think I have our field trips worked out for Feb vacation - that's rather nice.

All the billing is done and sorted for December vacation.  Also nice.

I have a few more things to do tonight, but nothing too taxing.  I'm pleased with the day.

Welcome 2013

My last thought of 2012 - "Is something really wrong with me?  Am I crazy?  Is there hope for me?"

My first thought of 2013 - "The world would be much better off if I wasn't around anymore.  If I could find the perfect way to die, I totally would."

Ugh.  I hope it's just tiredness, annoyance and fatigue.  In the morning, I hope to feel better.

When everything is quiet, who do you think about?

I think about MS.  I think about what it's done to me and how much I dislike it.

I think about work.  I think about sites that I have a problem at, or sites that need some help.  I think about the staff struggling at the moment, or the kids that are struggling.  I think about everything I have to do on my to-do list.

I wonder if I'm destined to be lonely.

I think about my mom.  I think about the regrets I have, my last times with her, my favorite times I've spent with her, the things she has taught me.

I think about my dad.  I think about his health failing him and how I'm very scared I will one day have to think of him like my mom.

I think about my brother and how responsible and compassionate he has grown to be.  He amazes me frequently.

I think about my sister and her pregnancy.  I worry about her and the baby and I'm sad to be so far away from her during the time.

I think about finances and what bills are coming up. I try to figure out how I'm going to pay them all.

I think about personal things in my life that I need to get done.  Generally, it's cleaning, sending mail, getting an oil change, putting laundry away, taking clothes to Goodwill.

I think about therapy.  I think about the topics that I need to address and I figure out how to bring them up.  I think about how often I think about death in that particular day, week or month.  Then I think about how pessimistic I'm being, and try to put a positive spin on it.

Then I think that I hate quiet time and stop it.  That might be turning on the TV, radio, going online, something, because when everything is quiet, my mind always goes a bad way.

New Year's Resolutions

I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions, but I've decided to try and come up with some (realistic) ones to see what I can do in a year.

1. Quit Smoking
2. Take 3 classes at the Y a week (water aerobics, Zumba, etc.)
3. Quit drinking Coke in my home, by June
4. Quit drinking Coke forever by the end of the year.
5. Read one book a month.
6. Finish my sister's scrapbook.
7. Not eat out once during the month of Feb.
8. Pay 50% of the car loan during 2013.
9. Pay off 2 student loans during 2013.
10.  Cook one new recipe every month.
11. Drink 3 bottles of water daily.

2013

If there was ever a time in your life when you wished for a very extended vacation, it's 2013, Sag. The longing for a break from the rat race and constant hustle has never been so overwhelming. You started having fantasies of what it would be like to live your life totally surrounded by tranquility, nature or, better yet, 24-hour room service in a posh hotel. The idea of being taken care of is ridiculously enticing as Saturn and the North Node of the Moon take root in your retreat zone this year. If you can't totally break away from the responsibilities of life, at least plan to book as many moments in solitude as possible. You'll need regular getaways to cope.
Jupiter continues to bless your relationship and social sector this year until June. This brings wonderful luck and benefits through your close associations with others and will also bless partnerships. If you're in a long-term relationship you may experience incredible breakthroughs and wisdom during the first half of the year. If you're single, this could be an incredible opportunity to meet someone you can finally look up to. In any case, you'll not find yourself lonely or wanting for company under Jupiter's abundant influence in your partner zone.
The second half of the year brings tremendous resourcefulness as Jupiter moves into your sector of other peoples' money, sexuality and transformation. Change feels better than ever, so be willing to let go of all that no longer serves your highest. You're simply making way for the new. The more you let go, the more new channels of abundance can flow to you. The universe wants to help you, so don't be afraid to ask for what you need. You'll be utterly amazed at the earth angels that step forward to help you this year. You may come into some unexpected money through an inheritance or a gift before the end of 2103. This is an excellent year to get out of any lingering debt. You'll have the means to dig yourself out and make all-things financial right again.

I love this baby!

I couldn't reach a blanket, but wanted him to be warmed.  So I put him in my hat :)

snow is falling

I hate snow still, buts its a Saturday.  And it's flu day.  I timed that one so that I would just sleep though the snow.  Tomorrow, the snow ends, and I will go out and about again.

I feel surprisingly good today.  It's flu day, so I have all that going on, but otherwise good.  I guess the lovely lesions aren't doing much trouble now.  My mental space is good.  I can't complain, but I can go back to sleep while watching TIVOed NCIS.  Life is good!

When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?

80 years old.  Wow.  I can't even imagine that.  What will I be like when I'm 80.  I'm hoping I'm pleasant.  I don't want to be one of those cranky 80 year olds.  That would stink.

When I am 80, I imagine family will be important to me.  Perhaps I will have a partner by then.  Perhaps not.  Either way, I will have nieces and nephews.   Of that, I am sure.  When I am 80, they will be grown, and maybe even have children of their own.  I will love them too.

When I am 80, I hope to be involved with politics and be working to making a difference in this world.  By then, I hope, gay marriage will be legal.  I am sure there will be lots of more things that need working on.  I hope when I am 80, I am still working to making things better, not backwards.  Older people seem to always be more conservative than the younger generations.  I hope I remain liberal.

When I am 80, I hope to be financially secure.  I want to be able to travel if I want.  I want to not have to worry about making it month to month.  If I want to do something, I want to be able to do it.

I hope to still be involved with children.  Perhaps I won't be working anymore, but I'd like to be one of those cute 80 year olds that volunteer reading to children, or doing something special with them.

I want to be actively involved with MS organizations.  I hope I can volunteer time helping others diagnosed with MS and help them move past the shock of the diagnosis.

Scratch that.  By time I'm 80, I hope there is a cure for MS and I don't have it anymore.  I can just tell people stories about how horrible it was when it was around.

Absolutely Disguisted

This article has made me super cranky.

Claim seeks $100 million for Sandy Hook school shooting survivor

Are you kidding me?

Two weeks after this happens, some family is looking to make a buck off of it?  I'm very certain you're child is suffering following this.  I imagine mental health professionals in Newtown CT have lots of new clients.  Get your child some serious therapy.  Get some for yourselves while you are at it.  Move to another town if you need.

But trying to make money because you say the school board was negligent?  Seriously?  This man broke into the school.  It was locked.  He was not let in, he broke in.  Teachers lost their lives trying to save students, perhaps even your child.  Everyone involved was hurt by the tragedy.

Instead of trying to make some money from it, be grateful your child is alive and you can hug and kiss them goodnight.  You can comfort them when they are scared.  You can seek out help for them.  100 million dollars is ridiculous.  I'm sure the parents of the 20 children that lost their lives would gladly give you that much money if it meant they could have their own child back.

long overdue post about Adam Lanza and mental health

I am Adam Lanza's mother

I think the horrible day at Sandy Brook Elementary School was one of the worst mass shootings in history.  The entire thing, from beginning to end, is not understandable.

What has come out of it, has been an increased debate in gun control and mumblings about access to mental health care being easier.

I am in support of both those things.  I don't believe guns should be as accessible as they are.  There is certainly no reason for a regular person to own an automatic or semi-automatic weapon.

And mental health.  I'm still seeing a therapist.  I'm lucky, I guess.  I have health insurance and they cover me to see her.  Not everyone is that lucky.  I know if it wasn't covered, I could probably look up to find therapists that were low cost, or no cost, but really, that would be a lot of work.  I've started to look before, and the process was so time consuming that I gave up.

Now that I have health insurance, I looked at their website for therapists, found one, called her, and got an appointment.  I feel like I mesh with her, so I keep going.

I struggle, frequently with MS, my mother's death and general feeling poorly about myself.  She would tell you depression, but after working with teenage girls, that word just annoys me now.  I feel like its overused by society, but her use of it is clinical, so I guess it's ok.

Anyway, the thought of people talking about therapy, and making it less taboo, well, I think that's great.  Very few people know I go to therapy.   I worry about what they would think of it - some would be ok with it, others might judge me for it.  With the topic of mental health making headlines is good - to get the topic out there, it always worries me.

What if now, after this conversation, it becomes the norm to think of therapy as for people who will become potential shooters.  What if it seems like it's not just for the normal person who is struggling with something, but for people who are about to go off the deep end?  In my thinking, Adam Lanza must have been stable at some point.  What was it that made it do what he did?  Could therapy and/or medication have prevented it?

I don't know.

snow

I live in Western Mass.  I love living in Western Mass.  I don't know why I love living in Western MA, because I HATE SNOW.

thoughts to live by

I dreamed a dream.....

I'm so excited for this!

Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves. ~Eric Sevareid

Merry Christmas to any blog readers out that that celebrate the holiday.

I have to say, this is the first Christmas in a while that I have not seen the big debate on facebook over the name of the holiday.  Some say, "Happy Holidays," to in inclusive, others demand they are only wished a "Merry Christmas" and abhor the phrase Xmas, because it takes Christ out of Christmas.

Me, I don't care so much either way.  I say Merry Christmas, because that's what my family has always celebrated, but I am also appreciative of a Happy Holidays or even Happy Hanukah.  Whatever.  If you wish me one of those, I'll wish the same back to you.

So I wish everyone a happy whatever they celebrate and hope the new years brings peace, love, kindness, and a cure for MS!  :)

Multiple Sclerosis - about as cool as a honeymoon handjob.

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"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."

On Tuesday, December 18, 2012 Jayce Quinn made his way into the world.

He is the baby of my very best friend in the whole wide world.  I was given the privilege of getting to be in the delivery room.  I guess this is odd in some ways, but not for us.  

I feel like the entire experience has changed me.  I'm a different person today than I was 3 days ago.  I am amazed at how strong she is and how difficult the whole process is.  She was in labor for 36 hours.  They were the 36 longest hours of my life and the only thing I wanted was to take her pain away.  

During it all, I thought the whole thing was totally not worth it.  And then he was born.  It was magical.  It was amazing.  I cried and cried as soon as he came out.  He is the most beautiful baby ever.

I had therapy today.  At the end of last week, I was pretty sure we'd talk a lot about Newtown, CT.  I'm still struggling with my feelings about everything, but it didn't matter.  All we talked about was the birth.  The entire experience was so amazing and full of hope, life, love and the power of the human spirit.

 I love you Jayce Quinn, already and more than you'll ever know.  You make life worth living.

Why is mental health so taboo?

As is everyone, I am thinking about the shooting at Sandy Hook.  I have more questions then answers, and I really wish I could understand why.

Lots of conversation has been going on about gun control, god in school, and mental health resources.

I understand the rational behind "guns don't kill people, people kill people," but I also think guns make the killings much worse.  Imagine what war would be if both sides only used pea-shooters.  There'd be a lot less death in the final number.  I'm in support of tougher gun laws.  I don't believe every person needs to own a gun.  If they do, they certainly do not need automatic weapons or other similar instruments.

God - I saw a post on facebook that said, "Dear God,  Why do you allow such things to happen in my school?  Sincerely, a concerned student.  Dear concerned student, I'm not allowed in your school.  Sincerely God."

I don't know how I feel about that.  I wouldn't want any one telling my child which God they had to pray to or what they had to call him.  I do believe though, that children who wish to have a God to talk to and pray to should be allowed, even in public school.  I wish I had a God I could turn to during times like these.  Seeking comfort in a God would be nice.  I'd like that.

And mental health.  That's a whole different topic all together.  I haven't firmly decided what I think or feel about that.

I do feel that a lot of people died on Friday.  A lot of people that did not have to die.  And I include the shooter in that total.  He did a horrible thing, but hopefully, we can use the knowledge we will learn to prevent something as horrific as this from ever happening again.

Flu day

Ugh....I feel very yucky today.  I think MS is just making me nuts.   I'm having trouble seeing today...even the words on my TV are hard to make out.  Looking around just gives me a headache.  As soon as I keep my eyes forward, I'm good, but I'm super sensitive to any movement.

I think this is a combination of flu day, post steroids, and MS.  Blech blech blech.

Another day of terror

There was a big school shooting today.  At an elementary school no less.  Although not all the details are out yet, the suspected shooter is the son of a Kindergarten teacher at the school.  He killed her, her classroom and another near by.

How tragic is that?  It's horrible.  All those parents who won't have their children home with them tonight.  I'm sure they've already got Christmas presents at home for them.  Life is going to be so difficult for so many people forever more.

The entire thing breaks my heart.   I'm anxious and petrified to continue hearing the news about everything that went on in this man's life to make him kill his mother (possibly father at another location - that's been reported multiple ways) and almost 20 little innocent children.  Absolutely horrible.

Please won't you catch...

I thought I saw a UFO outside.  It was too bright and fast to be a lightening bug.  It was too quiet and low to be a plane.  Next logical step, UFO.

I posted this on facebook.  Turns out there is a meteor shower tonight and tomorrow.  I saw a shooting star.  Then when outside to find another to wish on.  I did.  You have to keep your wish a secret, but I had a very logical wish.

It makes me think of my favorite camp song ever.

An exceptionally well timed letter

I received this in the mail today from a former camper, staff member and the daughter of a friend of mine.  I've known her since she was 10 years old.  We met at camp, but then I became good friends of her family and so I have known her in and out of camp.

As a camper, she was "Suzy Camper."  She was all about camp.  As a staff member, she was kind, compassionate, and then had one major foul up, in which I had to fire her.  She knew it was inevitable and the whole thing sucked, but she bounced back and has since gone to work there successfully.  She's had a rough time of things as she has entered into adulthood, but she had a good head on her shoulders, and I am eager to see what becomes of her.

Anyway, I got this letter from her today.  She's in job corps, which is kind of part job training, but also for kids who've had some trouble in their lives.  It's a little boot camp-ish, but very good for her.

"Dear Heidi,

My teacher gave us an assignment to write a letter to someone in our lives that we see as a leader.  I thought of you immediately because you were the person who taught me leadership in and out of camp.

In my opinion, you were the best director I saw in my time at camp.  You set the rules, made sure everyone was doing what they were suppose to do and ensured every one's safety, but still managed to be someone we could come to, if we had a problem, someone who could always make me laugh.  From the very first memory I have of you, when you took me to Friendly's for my birthday, I have known that there is someone that cares for me outside of my family.

Whenever I fought with my mom, or needed something she couldn't provide, be it a ride to dance or someone to talk to, you have been there for me.  Mom and I frequently wonder where we would be without you.  You have been so many things in my life, camp director, babysitter, mentor and friend.

Most of all, you are are someone I can look up to, someone who inspires me.  You are one of the best, most wonderful people I have ever met, and seeing you struggling with MS is hard for everyone, but you accept the cards that you were dealt, and you haven't lost your smile.  You are someone I admire more than anyone else, and I am so grateful for everything you have done for me.  I would not be where I am without your support and love.

Love you,"

*Name omitted to protect her identity *

I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5; crazy slowing going am I, 5-4-3-2-1.

I wonder if I'm going nuts right now.  I'm pretty sure its the steroids, but I am on such an emotional roller coaster.  EVERYTHING is getting under my skin.  I'm ridiculously happy one moment, and blubbering like an idiot the next.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach.  I'm seeing things that aren't really there.  I can't focus.  It's ridiculous.

And it all boils down to the fact that I hate Multiple Sclerosis.  I try to down play it.  When folks at work ask how I am, or why I'm at work when I was just in the hospital yesterday, I shrug it off.  I say it's just MS, not a big deal.

I texted my therapist tonight to let her know I might be late for my appointment tomorrow - because infusion took FOREVER today.  Then, before she answered, I was able to move the infusion appointment earlier so it wouldn't matter.  She responded and said she was sorry to hear I wasn't feeling well.

I couldn't even answer that.  My gut instinct was to just shrug it off, but with her, I really shouldn't.  If anyone gets the real feelings I am having, it should be her.  Although, I know I don't even want to share that, but certainly not via text.  It can wait until tomorrow.

I just hate MS.  I think I'd rather have about any other disease, or even better - none at all.  But a disease that predictable, that would be so nice.  One that I would know what to expect, and when - that would be so nice.

Instead, I have this disease that things seem to hit me out of no where.  It effects EVERYTHING, and I even wonder if its making my mood this bad.  I've never felt so discouraged before.  My thinking is slow, my reactions are slow.  My mood is so blessed down, and that I don't even know if its the MS or just the dealing with MS that makes it so.  Either way, MS is the problem, and I really need to find a way to deal with it before it consumes me.

You always pass failure on your way to success. – Mickey Rooney

I had a doctor say to me today that I was an Avonex failure.  I don't like being called a failure, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I also don't necessarily agree with him.  I was sick - really sick a few weeks ago.  The fact that a relapse has started is probably from that.

Maybe he is right (which PS, his name is Dr. House), but I'd rather wait for Dr. Dayaw to say it.  If Dr. Dayaw thinks it, then I'll assume its right.  If not, then I'll keep on the Avonex.

Which of course, is a long winded way of saying that I'm admitted in the hospital.  I'm having a flare.  I have a really old roommate, who is scared to go home after what happened to her.  I don't actually know what happened to her, but she's kind of cute.  It's sad, but the nurses and doctors are super nice to her.

And now I'm getting a dose of steroids, and then I get to go home.  I'm not scared of going home.  I'm looking forward to going home.  I have to come back for 3 more days, as an outpatient, to finish the round, but that's ok.  It's SOOOOO much better than actually being here.

wonderment

I've been feeling very mentally healthy lately.  It's even surprised me, but its great.

So this week, I decided to stop taking the antidepressant meds.  I didn't stop taking them because of how good I've been feeling - its more that I keep having lots of bathroom problems.  It started when I was sick and taking a lot of Vitamin C.  So naturally, when the problems started, I ceased the Vit C.

That didn't work.  So then I stopped the Vit D as well.  Doc wouldn't approve of that, cause she doubled my dose because my levels were so low last time I saw her.

That didn't work either.  So, just in case, I stopped the happy pills.  I did this without talking to my doctor or therapist though.  I figured it would be ok though.

Then today happened.  Its been 4 days without the pills.  I've felt so crazy.  Little things are driving me batty and I feel like everyone I'm dealing with is an absolute moron.  That, and I've had a killer headache all day.  I have no idea if all this is related to stopping the pills or just the day, but I think I shall resume the meds tonight.

Irony - or something like it

There is a half day in the schools I work with tomorrow.  That means around 11:30, I generally have to run around a bring some lunches to children who forgot them.  I also scheduled therapy for 11am tomorrow.  

And then, I am meant to go to this time management training from 10-noon.  I can't go to time management due to the fact that I can't manage my time and am already over booked.

What do you usually think about on your drive home from work?

I'm feeling well again.  Last night, I slept the entire night without waking up once to cough.  It was SOOO nice.  I feel that within 48 hours I will be perfectly back.

So, I'm back to my regularly scheduled blogging.  In the absence of anything real to write about, I've picked a boundary breaker to answer.

On my way home from work, I think about the day I've had.  Sometimes, I can be proud of what I have accomplished, other times, I think of what I didn't actually get done.  I think about whether or not I brought home what I need in order to get that thing done.

I usually think about my mom at some point during the drive.  I wonder what she would say about some news story (like the royal pregnancy) or odd weather patterns.  I'm pretty good at guessing what she would say, or at least I think I am.

I think about what I am going to make for dinner.

I am usually exhausted and calculate the number of hours until it reaches an acceptable time to go to bed.

I imagine I'm a famous singer, singing my favorite songs in the car.

sick sick sick

I've been ridiculously sick, since Thanksgiving.  It's going on 11 days now, although to be fair, I was only horrible for like 6 days.  Still, 6 days is a long time and day 11 is about over, and I'm still not feeling 100% well yet.

I went to the doctor last Monday.  She said it was a viral flu and I'd just have to let it run its course.  I had a flipping flu shot, so that makes me extra cranky about it.

While all this is going on, I can feel the MS buzzing around, ready to pounce.  I'm hoping and praying that I don't end up with a big flare.  For now, its just some numbness in my hands.  There's some potential pooping problems going on, but I hope that is because of an increase in vitamin C and not MS.  So far, all related to peeing is going fine.

For now, I shall go to bed, before 7pm in order to get up for 7am.  Geez, I hate MS and illness.

Thanksgiving sickness

I've been sick all day.  I've felt feverish, dizzy, sore throat, upset stomach, and generally bad.  I've had nothing to eat today except crackers and ginger ale.  Blech.  It was quite a yucky Thanksgiving.

English

oh voters in MA

Some days, I love my job, love the staff, love the kids...

Today was one of those days.  EVERYTHING just seemed to go right.  It was quite nice, I have to admit.  Things just seemed to go well.

My middle schoolers did play a prank on me.  They told me that their counselor, who is also my bff, her water broke (she's obviously pregnant and due in 3 weeks).  This was plausible and made me rather excited.  The thought of her giving birth in my program, was not appealing, but the excitement of a new baby, is wonderful.

As soon as I got to their school, the kids all yelled, "Happy Pranksgiving"  Her water did not break and there was no labor.  I was sad, but rather amused they could get me so easily.

The staff meeting tonight, was also wonderful.  I feel that things are going well and we have a great rapport with each other.  I saw a lot of value in each and every one of them.  I'm happy.

Turkey Day is coming

So, I'm feeling better.  Really, I am.  I can't give any specific example, but that overwhelming black cloud that has been hanging over me for the better part of a year, seems to have lifted.  Living, just living, seems a bit easier.  I still have my bad thoughts and what not, but in general, thinks just feel so much better.

That said, Thanksgiving is coming up.  Despite feeling better, I don't actually want to do anything or go anywhere that day.  I'm just in the mindset where I want to be on my own.  I might be lonely, but that's ok.  The thought of staying in my PJs and not having to make small talk, is really exciting to me.  I can make exactly what I want to eat, and nap, and just enjoy the day.

I think that I shall tell each of my friends that has invited me somewhere that I am going somewhere else.  And none of them are really friends with each other, so I'm pretty sure I'll get away with it.  I will enjoy the solitude on Thursday.

House vs. God

I'm watching House.  I had never seen before being diagnosed with MS, but all my friends loved it.  When I was in the hospital and the doctors kept being painful, my friends would joke that we needed Dr. House.  Funny enough, there was a Dr. House that was a neurologist in the hospital.  I never saw him though.

Anyway, today's episode of House is called House vs. God.  The funniest part is that white board in House's office that is tallying points.

RIP Twinkies

I saw this on facebook.  I often chuckle at these things, but rarely share.  This one though, I had to share.  It's kinda funny.

My therapist and I were talking about the end of the world.  I couldn't remember the exact date, but we were both kind of laughing at how ridiculous it was.  She said the receptionist was joking about it, and she shhhhhhed her.  She had clients who had real worries about this.

I didn't share with her, but I'm kind of the opposite.  Or at least I was (still having good days!).  I hoped it would happen.  The end of the world would be a great alternative to living.  I'm not dreading it.  I'd welcome it.

I don't know if I still feel that way - guess a few more weeks to figure that out.

"The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach." Benjamin Mays

I think I have a goal.  I feel GOOD.  Really GOOD.  I haven't felt like this in a VERY LONG time.  It's amazing.

Success is the best revenge....

I found another good blog post today.  http://blogs.psychcentral.com/quotes/2012/11/chocolate-covered-revenge/

I used to feel this way.  When someone wronged me, either really, or just in my head, I felt like my own success was the best thing I could do.

I don't feel like that anymore.  For better, or worse, I just can't seem to muster the strength to even "fake it" for them.  I just don't care.  Perhaps I should.  Perhaps working on my own success, just of itself, will make me feel better.  It doesn't matter who I am upset with, or trying to get revenge on, just my own success.  What do I need to do to feel successful?

The answer always comes back to camp.

I miss camp.  I miss camp a lot.  I need to find a way to get more camp in my life.  It doesn't matter if I have MS.  Camp is where I want to be and camp is what I want to be doing.   

I'm doing it.  I'm going to find something camp related that I can do.

Secession

"Many older people seem to take unmerited pride in the mere 'fact that they are adults. When youth comes crashing in on them with enthusiasms and ideals, they put on their most patronizing smiles, and pat the young man or the young woman on the shoulder, and in a worldly wise sort of way send them out with what they call their blessing. But—as every young person knows-that is not a blessing; it is a cold shower. What they have really said to you is this: "You're young. Enjoy your enthusiasms and your ideals while you can. For when you grow up and get out in the world you will know better." And the tragedy is that so many young people do just that: they do grow up and, growing up, they grow away from their enthusiasms and from their ideals. That is one reason why the world into which they go gets better so slowly." Eleanor Roosevelt

I just read this news article about people being so upset over the election (even some states that went blue), that they have filed a petition to secede from the union.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/secission-petitions-filed-20-states-190210006.html

Are you kidding me?  Good gravy train.  Granted, if Romney won, I would have been in the crowd to joke about moving to Canada and the like, but really, a petition?

I dealt with the election fiasco in which George W lost the popular vote, and the entire thing was decided by "hanging chads" and that sort of thing.  I get the feeling of disappointment, but geez.  It's over.  Move on.

On another note though, somewhat serious.  I do believe Western Massachusetts should secede from Mass and make our own state.  Boston just doesn't get us.

What is the worst crime a person can commit against another person?

Well, of course there's murder, rape, etc, and obviously those are bad.

But, I think what's worse is not even really a crime - at least not on the book of adulthood.   It's the stuff that is "not tolerated" in school yards and the classroom.  It still happens though, and is very hard to prove or see.

It's bullying, teasing, putting others down to make yourself feel better.  In the adult world, it takes the form of talking behind someone's back, CCing people on emails that don't need to be in the conversation, going out of your way to make that person miserable.

Don't get me wrong - I've been on both sides of this.  I know I've done my share of making other's lives miserable - as ashamed as I am to admit, as an adult and not just the kiddie version.  I've done it when I know better.  Here's hoping I've learned, but the truth is, we all have these moments where we do it.

I do think though, for the betterment of humanity, we just need to try and be nicer to everyone.

Proof

I saw the play Proof tonight.  It was put on by my old college.  When I had taken a theater class, I actually did a project from this play.  It was pretty cool getting to actually see it on stage.  It was made into a movie, but I didn't think the movie was as good as the play.

In the very beginning, the lead character is taking to her dad.  At the end of the scene (SPOILER), it is revealed that he is actually dead.

I thought a lot about my mom.  I would love to talk to her, even if it was in a dream.  Catherine spoke to her dad - unclear whether it was a dream, or she was going crazy.  Her and her dad were talking about being crazy.  Her dad said since she was able to ask the question, "Am I crazy?" so therefore, she was not.  A crazy person wouldn't ask that, so it was a good sign she was asking.

Then, he pointed out he was dead.  He told her it was a bad sign that she was talking to a dead person.

I'd be ok, even if it was a bad sign, to get to talk to my mom.

Dreams are free therapy, consult your inner Freud.

I haven't updated much about therapy lately.  I still struggle with it.  In many ways, I still feel like I hold back and censor myself, which then, of course leads me to believe that it isn't working and it just becomes a vicious cycle.

However, last week in therapy, I talked about how I've been feeling so stagnant lately.  I've just felt nothing - good or bad.  I also mentioned that I don't think I dream - or at least don't remember the dreams.

This leads me to, a long time ago, I read a blog by someone that was in therapy.  She was talking about the homework her therapist gave her.  It sounded interesting.  Ok, I can be the true dork I am here.  It sounded cool.  When I read about it, I kind of wished my therapist gave me homework.

She never has, not even mentioned it.  But the inner dork in me would actually like it.

Back to my story - that night, after therapy last week, I had a dream, that I remembered in the morning (!) that my therapist gave me homework and I was doing it.  One assignment had to do with drawing with my eyes closed.  I was brilliantly talented in artwork with my eyes closed.

I woke up rather happy.  From the homework and from the art.  It was cool and quite a feeling.

Anyway, I mentioned it today, although I didn't quite explain how great it made me feel.  I don't want to be the dork that points out how much I'd enjoy homework.  But, I would.  So, I found some myself.  Some are even too dorky for me (the one that tells you to print positive messages out and hang them on your mirror to read daily) but others I found, I think will be kind of helpful.

Perhaps, I'll even mention to her that I found them.

What one thing makes you humble?

I feel humble when I see love.  Sometimes its romantic love between two people.  Other times its the kind of love you see between a parent and a child.  Other times is love, not in the romantic sense, between people.  No matter how you look at it, it's love, and it's grand.  There's nothing going on around them that can stop what you see.  This picture shows exactly what I mean.

I am also humbled by people who are "sicker" than me, but have a much stronger mental attitude.  I watched a documentary on PBS tonight about people who were going through organ transplants.  It was meant to gain awareness of organ donation, but some of the people were so sick.  Yet, they were so strong and full of life.  I feel lifeless, but the reality is that I should be full of life.  Those people, are my inspiration.

A day at the zoo

Having MS is kind of kind of a like a day at the zoo.

I hate the zoo.  I find it boring and I'm much rather be at an amusement park.

You get tired of seeing the same things.  You get hot from just walking around.  You have to pretend to be interested in what you are looking at, but really it's just boring.  As you're going around, you are desperately looking for something fun, but there's just more of the same old stuff.

Every once in a while, something good comes along, but its quickly over and then you're back to the same old same old.

celebrate the arrival of Santa?

I just saw a commerical to celebrate the arrival of Santa this weekend.  Are you kidding me?  It's barely the beginning of November!

The Results

Obama is president for 4 more years.  Scott Brown was ousted and Elizabeth Warren is in.  Medical marijuana is now real in Massachusetts.  Assisted suicide, however, failed by a very narrow margin.

You can't win them all.

election, chicken pox and life

I'm far more excited for the election tomorrow then I thought I'd be.

President is always fun, even if its the election you vote in where your vote matters the least.  It will be interesting to see if Romney wins, here in Massachusetts.  Normally, a candidate wins where ever they are from.  That makes sense.  But, democrats always win Mass.  I had a religion professor in college who said, "God himself could come down and run for office in Mass, and if he ran as a republican, he'd loose."

I predict Obama will win Mass.  That's who I will be voting for.

The other big race is between Elizabeth Warren and Scott Brown for senate.  Brown is the incumbent and republication.  This race is big and close in our state, but also could decide which party gets control of the senate.  It's a big deal.  I'm a Warren fan all the way.  Scott Brown is a douche anyway, but caused a lot of camps a lot of trouble last year.

He wrote a book that talked about the fact that he was sexually abused at a summer camp.  I believe it happened, but it caused a big commotion for camps.  Granted, it was a good reality check for camps, and myself, but it was a pain in the ass.

The story just got worse from there.  The camp in question was called Camp Good News.  The story broke that there was a pedophile working there, in somewhat of a high position.  Lots of kids came forward saying he abused them (current kids, as well as adults who were abused as children).  Well, this man ended up killing himself pretty early on in the story.

Come to find out, other staff expressed concern over things they saw or heard.  Children being alone with him, seeing kiddie porn on his computer, etc.  This was a religious camp and the director decided the administrative team should pray about the situation, rather than doing actually actual.  Firing him would have been a great idea, alerting DCF or the authorities would have been good.  But no, she just prayed about it.  And kids continued to get abused.

That isn't Scott Brown's fault, but it still all started with him.  I dislike him.

Next up, there are three ballot questions in MA.  Two of which, I am excited about and hope to see them pass.

First, has to do with automotive information and who is allowed to have it.  I don't really care.

Second, is the use of medical marijuana.  I personally, do not smoke it, nor do I enjoy it, but I hope it passes for the sake of sick people who benefit from it.

Finally, the assisted suicide question.  I really hope this passes.  I know, my own condition does not fit within the scope of the proposed legislation, but still, I think people will benefit from it being possible.  This law says that a person who has 6 months or less to live can be given a prescription by two doctors (must be two) for a lethal dose of medication.

I know there are a lot of people opposed to this, but I'm in support of it, and I really hope it passes in the state.

Last up, I've had this rash for a while.  Word on the street is that it's chicken pox.  I had chicken pox as a child, so I thought this was impossible, but apparently, it's a new strain of it, that you can get even if you've had it before and even if you've had the vaccine.  That SUCKS.

If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?

One year from now, I hope to be in an entirely different place, mentally, at least.  I'd like to be living in the same area, maybe still at my job, but definitely want to feel a lot different than I do today.

So, in one year, I'd like to remind myself that in order to move past this funk, I've got to just to open and honest about how I'm feeling.  I can't be afraid to show emotion and if I can deal with everything, instead of just hiding from it, I'll feel so much better.

I'd like to tell myself to stop procrastinating.  I procrastinate all the time and it really doesn't get me very far.  Just do it, even the unpleasant things.  Once they are done, I always feel so much better about whatever it is.

In one year, I will have two babies in my life that I am super excited about.  My best friend's and my sister's. I think I can't even imagine yet how much I am going to love them.  I'd tell myself to be getting ready for them and cherish every moment I have with them.

I'd tell myself that I will feel heaps better if I am healthier.  That means regularly going to work out classes at work and eating better.  It also includes drinking more water and less coke.  It really does make me feel better and I have to remember that.

Where are you living right now – the past, future or present?

I think I spend 1/3 of my time living in the past, 1/3 living in the present and 1/3 in the future.  One would think that's well rounded, but its probably actually very unhealthy.

I live in the past when I think of all things I used to be able to do and can't do anymore.  I wish I could and sometimes imagine and try, but fail miserably.

I live in the present, but not thinking about the future.  I can't imagine or see a future.  That's also not good.

I live in the future when I think about all the things that can wrong with my life.  It's not a hopeful future, its a scary future and one I dread.

So, none of those times are particularly effective.  I need to find an effective spin to put on it.

I want to remember the good times of the past, but not be sad they are not here now.  I need to remember my past made me who I am today.  I need to focus on the current moment.  I need to accept what I can and cannot do, and be comfortable with it.  I need to see a positive future.  Lots of great things can happen.  Heck, they could find a cure for MS.  That would be the most amazing future, but even without, I can do great things.  I can live a happy life.