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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving sickness

I've been sick all day.  I've felt feverish, dizzy, sore throat, upset stomach, and generally bad.  I've had nothing to eat today except crackers and ginger ale.  Blech.  It was quite a yucky Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

oh voters in MA

Some days, I love my job, love the staff, love the kids...

Today was one of those days.  EVERYTHING just seemed to go right.  It was quite nice, I have to admit.  Things just seemed to go well.

My middle schoolers did play a prank on me.  They told me that their counselor, who is also my bff, her water broke (she's obviously pregnant and due in 3 weeks).  This was plausible and made me rather excited.  The thought of her giving birth in my program, was not appealing, but the excitement of a new baby, is wonderful.

As soon as I got to their school, the kids all yelled, "Happy Pranksgiving"  Her water did not break and there was no labor.  I was sad, but rather amused they could get me so easily.

The staff meeting tonight, was also wonderful.  I feel that things are going well and we have a great rapport with each other.  I saw a lot of value in each and every one of them.  I'm happy.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Turkey Day is coming

So, I'm feeling better.  Really, I am.  I can't give any specific example, but that overwhelming black cloud that has been hanging over me for the better part of a year, seems to have lifted.  Living, just living, seems a bit easier.  I still have my bad thoughts and what not, but in general, thinks just feel so much better.

That said, Thanksgiving is coming up.  Despite feeling better, I don't actually want to do anything or go anywhere that day.  I'm just in the mindset where I want to be on my own.  I might be lonely, but that's ok.  The thought of staying in my PJs and not having to make small talk, is really exciting to me.  I can make exactly what I want to eat, and nap, and just enjoy the day.

I think that I shall tell each of my friends that has invited me somewhere that I am going somewhere else.  And none of them are really friends with each other, so I'm pretty sure I'll get away with it.  I will enjoy the solitude on Thursday.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

House vs. God

I'm watching House.  I had never seen before being diagnosed with MS, but all my friends loved it.  When I was in the hospital and the doctors kept being painful, my friends would joke that we needed Dr. House.  Funny enough, there was a Dr. House that was a neurologist in the hospital.  I never saw him though.

Anyway, today's episode of House is called House vs. God.  The funniest part is that white board in House's office that is tallying points.

Friday, November 16, 2012

RIP Twinkies

I saw this on facebook.  I often chuckle at these things, but rarely share.  This one though, I had to share.  It's kinda funny.

My therapist and I were talking about the end of the world.  I couldn't remember the exact date, but we were both kind of laughing at how ridiculous it was.  She said the receptionist was joking about it, and she shhhhhhed her.  She had clients who had real worries about this.

I didn't share with her, but I'm kind of the opposite.  Or at least I was (still having good days!).  I hoped it would happen.  The end of the world would be a great alternative to living.  I'm not dreading it.  I'd welcome it.

I don't know if I still feel that way - guess a few more weeks to figure that out.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Success is the best revenge....

I found another good blog post today.

I used to feel this way.  When someone wronged me, either really, or just in my head, I felt like my own success was the best thing I could do.

I don't feel like that anymore.  For better, or worse, I just can't seem to muster the strength to even "fake it" for them.  I just don't care.  Perhaps I should.  Perhaps working on my own success, just of itself, will make me feel better.  It doesn't matter who I am upset with, or trying to get revenge on, just my own success.  What do I need to do to feel successful?

The answer always comes back to camp.

I miss camp.  I miss camp a lot.  I need to find a way to get more camp in my life.  It doesn't matter if I have MS.  Camp is where I want to be and camp is what I want to be doing.   

I'm doing it.  I'm going to find something camp related that I can do.

Monday, November 12, 2012


"Many older people seem to take unmerited pride in the mere 'fact that they are adults. When youth comes crashing in on them with enthusiasms and ideals, they put on their most patronizing smiles, and pat the young man or the young woman on the shoulder, and in a worldly wise sort of way send them out with what they call their blessing. But—as every young person knows-that is not a blessing; it is a cold shower. What they have really said to you is this: "You're young. Enjoy your enthusiasms and your ideals while you can. For when you grow up and get out in the world you will know better." And the tragedy is that so many young people do just that: they do grow up and, growing up, they grow away from their enthusiasms and from their ideals. That is one reason why the world into which they go gets better so slowly." Eleanor Roosevelt

I just read this news article about people being so upset over the election (even some states that went blue), that they have filed a petition to secede from the union.

Are you kidding me?  Good gravy train.  Granted, if Romney won, I would have been in the crowd to joke about moving to Canada and the like, but really, a petition?

I dealt with the election fiasco in which George W lost the popular vote, and the entire thing was decided by "hanging chads" and that sort of thing.  I get the feeling of disappointment, but geez.  It's over.  Move on.

On another note though, somewhat serious.  I do believe Western Massachusetts should secede from Mass and make our own state.  Boston just doesn't get us.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

What is the worst crime a person can commit against another person?

Well, of course there's murder, rape, etc, and obviously those are bad.

But, I think what's worse is not even really a crime - at least not on the book of adulthood.   It's the stuff that is "not tolerated" in school yards and the classroom.  It still happens though, and is very hard to prove or see.

It's bullying, teasing, putting others down to make yourself feel better.  In the adult world, it takes the form of talking behind someone's back, CCing people on emails that don't need to be in the conversation, going out of your way to make that person miserable.

Don't get me wrong - I've been on both sides of this.  I know I've done my share of making other's lives miserable - as ashamed as I am to admit, as an adult and not just the kiddie version.  I've done it when I know better.  Here's hoping I've learned, but the truth is, we all have these moments where we do it.

I do think though, for the betterment of humanity, we just need to try and be nicer to everyone.

Saturday, November 10, 2012


I saw the play Proof tonight.  It was put on by my old college.  When I had taken a theater class, I actually did a project from this play.  It was pretty cool getting to actually see it on stage.  It was made into a movie, but I didn't think the movie was as good as the play.

In the very beginning, the lead character is taking to her dad.  At the end of the scene (SPOILER), it is revealed that he is actually dead.

I thought a lot about my mom.  I would love to talk to her, even if it was in a dream.  Catherine spoke to her dad - unclear whether it was a dream, or she was going crazy.  Her and her dad were talking about being crazy.  Her dad said since she was able to ask the question, "Am I crazy?" so therefore, she was not.  A crazy person wouldn't ask that, so it was a good sign she was asking.

Then, he pointed out he was dead.  He told her it was a bad sign that she was talking to a dead person.

I'd be ok, even if it was a bad sign, to get to talk to my mom.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Dreams are free therapy, consult your inner Freud.

I haven't updated much about therapy lately.  I still struggle with it.  In many ways, I still feel like I hold back and censor myself, which then, of course leads me to believe that it isn't working and it just becomes a vicious cycle.

However, last week in therapy, I talked about how I've been feeling so stagnant lately.  I've just felt nothing - good or bad.  I also mentioned that I don't think I dream - or at least don't remember the dreams.

This leads me to, a long time ago, I read a blog by someone that was in therapy.  She was talking about the homework her therapist gave her.  It sounded interesting.  Ok, I can be the true dork I am here.  It sounded cool.  When I read about it, I kind of wished my therapist gave me homework.

She never has, not even mentioned it.  But the inner dork in me would actually like it.

Back to my story - that night, after therapy last week, I had a dream, that I remembered in the morning (!) that my therapist gave me homework and I was doing it.  One assignment had to do with drawing with my eyes closed.  I was brilliantly talented in artwork with my eyes closed.

I woke up rather happy.  From the homework and from the art.  It was cool and quite a feeling.

Anyway, I mentioned it today, although I didn't quite explain how great it made me feel.  I don't want to be the dork that points out how much I'd enjoy homework.  But, I would.  So, I found some myself.  Some are even too dorky for me (the one that tells you to print positive messages out and hang them on your mirror to read daily) but others I found, I think will be kind of helpful.

Perhaps, I'll even mention to her that I found them.

What one thing makes you humble?

I feel humble when I see love.  Sometimes its romantic love between two people.  Other times its the kind of love you see between a parent and a child.  Other times is love, not in the romantic sense, between people.  No matter how you look at it, it's love, and it's grand.  There's nothing going on around them that can stop what you see.  This picture shows exactly what I mean.

I am also humbled by people who are "sicker" than me, but have a much stronger mental attitude.  I watched a documentary on PBS tonight about people who were going through organ transplants.  It was meant to gain awareness of organ donation, but some of the people were so sick.  Yet, they were so strong and full of life.  I feel lifeless, but the reality is that I should be full of life.  Those people, are my inspiration.

A day at the zoo

Having MS is kind of kind of a like a day at the zoo.

I hate the zoo.  I find it boring and I'm much rather be at an amusement park.

You get tired of seeing the same things.  You get hot from just walking around.  You have to pretend to be interested in what you are looking at, but really it's just boring.  As you're going around, you are desperately looking for something fun, but there's just more of the same old stuff.

Every once in a while, something good comes along, but its quickly over and then you're back to the same old same old.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

celebrate the arrival of Santa?

I just saw a commerical to celebrate the arrival of Santa this weekend.  Are you kidding me?  It's barely the beginning of November!

The Results

Obama is president for 4 more years.  Scott Brown was ousted and Elizabeth Warren is in.  Medical marijuana is now real in Massachusetts.  Assisted suicide, however, failed by a very narrow margin.

You can't win them all.

Monday, November 5, 2012

election, chicken pox and life

I'm far more excited for the election tomorrow then I thought I'd be.

President is always fun, even if its the election you vote in where your vote matters the least.  It will be interesting to see if Romney wins, here in Massachusetts.  Normally, a candidate wins where ever they are from.  That makes sense.  But, democrats always win Mass.  I had a religion professor in college who said, "God himself could come down and run for office in Mass, and if he ran as a republican, he'd loose."

I predict Obama will win Mass.  That's who I will be voting for.

The other big race is between Elizabeth Warren and Scott Brown for senate.  Brown is the incumbent and republication.  This race is big and close in our state, but also could decide which party gets control of the senate.  It's a big deal.  I'm a Warren fan all the way.  Scott Brown is a douche anyway, but caused a lot of camps a lot of trouble last year.

He wrote a book that talked about the fact that he was sexually abused at a summer camp.  I believe it happened, but it caused a big commotion for camps.  Granted, it was a good reality check for camps, and myself, but it was a pain in the ass.

The story just got worse from there.  The camp in question was called Camp Good News.  The story broke that there was a pedophile working there, in somewhat of a high position.  Lots of kids came forward saying he abused them (current kids, as well as adults who were abused as children).  Well, this man ended up killing himself pretty early on in the story.

Come to find out, other staff expressed concern over things they saw or heard.  Children being alone with him, seeing kiddie porn on his computer, etc.  This was a religious camp and the director decided the administrative team should pray about the situation, rather than doing actually actual.  Firing him would have been a great idea, alerting DCF or the authorities would have been good.  But no, she just prayed about it.  And kids continued to get abused.

That isn't Scott Brown's fault, but it still all started with him.  I dislike him.

Next up, there are three ballot questions in MA.  Two of which, I am excited about and hope to see them pass.

First, has to do with automotive information and who is allowed to have it.  I don't really care.

Second, is the use of medical marijuana.  I personally, do not smoke it, nor do I enjoy it, but I hope it passes for the sake of sick people who benefit from it.

Finally, the assisted suicide question.  I really hope this passes.  I know, my own condition does not fit within the scope of the proposed legislation, but still, I think people will benefit from it being possible.  This law says that a person who has 6 months or less to live can be given a prescription by two doctors (must be two) for a lethal dose of medication.

I know there are a lot of people opposed to this, but I'm in support of it, and I really hope it passes in the state.

Last up, I've had this rash for a while.  Word on the street is that it's chicken pox.  I had chicken pox as a child, so I thought this was impossible, but apparently, it's a new strain of it, that you can get even if you've had it before and even if you've had the vaccine.  That SUCKS.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?

One year from now, I hope to be in an entirely different place, mentally, at least.  I'd like to be living in the same area, maybe still at my job, but definitely want to feel a lot different than I do today.

So, in one year, I'd like to remind myself that in order to move past this funk, I've got to just to open and honest about how I'm feeling.  I can't be afraid to show emotion and if I can deal with everything, instead of just hiding from it, I'll feel so much better.

I'd like to tell myself to stop procrastinating.  I procrastinate all the time and it really doesn't get me very far.  Just do it, even the unpleasant things.  Once they are done, I always feel so much better about whatever it is.

In one year, I will have two babies in my life that I am super excited about.  My best friend's and my sister's. I think I can't even imagine yet how much I am going to love them.  I'd tell myself to be getting ready for them and cherish every moment I have with them.

I'd tell myself that I will feel heaps better if I am healthier.  That means regularly going to work out classes at work and eating better.  It also includes drinking more water and less coke.  It really does make me feel better and I have to remember that.