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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Are you there vodka?

I was thinking, I haven't had a drop of alcohol since being diagnosed with ms. I kinda figure, I have enough issues with brain cells, there's no need to make it worse. But what the heck? Maybe that's just what I need!

Life is pretty stable lately. In fact, I've laughed a lot these past couple days. My personality is coming back. I'm grateful for that.

It's just times like these. When I can't sleep, and start to think, that I feel not like me again.

Morning will be better. That I know!

Monday, January 30, 2012


I forgot my debit card pin number. This has been my pin number since 1995. I was at the ATM and just drew a blank. Geez.

After three faulty attempts my card was shut off. I called the bank. They fixed it but thought it ridiculous I had entered it wrong.

What can I say, I have MS.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I'm tired!

Well, I made an appointment with a therapist. I had that appointment today. It wasn't horrible. I think I like her. She's young...probably graduated within the last couple of years.

I liked her much more than that other woman I saw. I hated talking to her. She played the game where she says nothing to make me talk cause I can't stand the awkward silence. Except I work with children. I've mastered the art of awkward silence. I could always outlast her. It wasn't a productive relationship.

This one, I generally enjoyed talking to. It was only the first visit, so just lots of questions and answers, but still, it wasn't bad. I was also fairly honest with her. Which, I kind of have a history of not being completely honest with therapists and the like. I feel silly and then just don't share everything.

There were a couple things I didn't mention, but the really important stuff, I shared honestly. It seems silly, but I was pretty proud.

Friday, January 20, 2012

There was no wiggle butt greeting me as I came home

Morgan left. I'm both sad and happy. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I loved having a warm greeting every day when I got home. But, I also don't have the life style that's condusive to having a dog. I work long days and I feel very bad she's on her own so long.

The other big news - we finally had a real snow storm. Not much, but legitimate. Another one is scheduled for tonight into tomorrow. I'm talking my Avonex tonight so that I'll sleep the snow storm away along with the flu. Woohoo!

Saturday, January 7, 2012


Camp has always been a big part of my life. As a child, I counted down the days until camp started the next year. I loved camp.

A few years ago, I found my favorite camp counselor on facebook. She was amaazed I remembered her name. I was amazed she remembered me. We caught up, she asked me what I did now.

I told her I was a camp director. She laughed and said, "of course you are." It was nice to catch with her.

She has a daugther that sells Girl Scout cookies, and I buy cookies from her every year. The daughter called tonight to see if I wanted some and then I talked to mom.

She told me that she and her family were going to walk in my MS walk this year on our team. Her husband used to be very involved with the MS walk years ago and hadn't done it since the birth of their kids. So, they were excited about this. I, of course, am also excited.

Are you sure it's winter?

The weather is gorgeous today and Morgan and I walked forever. Now she's a tired pup.

Major Topper

The placebo effect works on me at least, even when I know that's what it is.

I am reminded of the episode of M*A*S*H, where they ran out of pain medicaton and gave all the post op patients sugar pills, but convinced them they were really strong pain pills. It worked. All the patients had less pain and went to sleep.

Last nigt I took the first dose of Zoloft my doc prescribed. A couple hours later, I felt amazingly good. Now, she said it would take about 4 weeks before I noticed if it was working. I'm pretty sure that its impossible to notice a difference in less than 4 hours.

But I did. As I went to sleep, I was feeling much better than I had in a long time. It was rather nice.

Now, this morning, the day I can sleep in, I was up 2 hours before my alarm even goes off on weekdays. I was thinking about everything, and not necessarily productive thoughts. It's rather weird waking up because your brain in thinking so much. But its 7am, and I've already done more today then I thought I would get done in the whole weekend. Win.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.

I did it. I told my doctor the truth about what was really going on in my head. I didn't think I would. As I was in the waiting room, I kept going over the conversation in my head, but when she called me in, I froze. I planned on just making small talk and leaving.

She asked general, "how are you doing?" questions - I gave general answers. Then, she asked about the Avonex, and that's when I brought it up. I was ridiculously long-winded, which is so the opposite of how I usually am.

As I started talking, I instantly regretted it. At one point, I started thinking about how I could change the story to not actually tell the truth, but I did it anyway. I kept talking, and told how I was honestly feeling. I probably didn't make a lot of eye contact, since I didn't want to tell her the whole truth anyway.

And she didn't look at me like I was nuts, didn't judge me or anything. She just kept asking questions. She isn't sure if its life, or because of the Avonex. She started me on some antidepressants. If I feel better on them, then its life that is making me feel the way I am. If I don't feel better, its the Avonex and she is going to start Gilenya or Copaxone.

I'm not certain how I feel about that, but I love the fact that she just knows what to do. She doesn't think I'm crazy, she didn't judge me, she just knew what to do.

I feel such a sense of relief after talking to her...and the social worker at the MS center. I feel like saying it out loud was a huge step. I haven't said it to a single person in real life and today I did, and dang, just that has made a huge difference.

Next step tomorrow is to find a therapist. Talking about it only helps.

Monday, January 2, 2012

to tell or not to tell...

So, I'm questioning my mental health again. I guess I'm always wondering about, or at least trying to see where I am. But lately, I know it hasn't been good. I've been preoccupied with negative thoughts, feelings, emotions. Lots of feeling sorry for myself type of thoughts, which never lead to anything good. Yesterday, I was reading about an event happening next fall. Without even realizing, I thought, "oh, I'll have killed myself by then." WHAT??

That's just crazy. I've thought about wanting to die, but not seriously, and certainly no plan or timeline. I'm really not sure where that thought came from, but it was definitly a wake-up call.

The good news is that I'm going to see my doctor this week. The question is, Do I tell her, and how much do I tell?

I'm notorious for not giving all the pertinent information. I'm quite happy to just let folks think all is good, but really, inside I'm a wreck.

I imagine that if I really tell her what's going on, she'll suggest I see a therapist (which isn't a bad idea, and I plan to find one around here). I also think she might take me off Avonex....I was reading their little literature, and it said if I had thoughts of suicide or depression I should tell my doctor immediately. They may decide to stop treatment.

For some reason, that makes me feel like a failure. Stopping the treatment seems bad. I don't even know if its the treatment that is making me feel so messed up.

I know, its life that is really happening. I wonder if MS and Avonex are just making it worse? That is an excellent question for the doctor, and yet, I know I'm going to try to avoid telling her.

When I get there, there will be this little questionaire to fill out. A list of symptoms and check check if things are better, the same or worse and its a good way for the doctor to know what to talk to you about.

I can just picture myself checking the same for everything, when in reality, I should check worse. Oh heavenly being, grant me the ability to bring up what is really going on.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

my horoscope for 2012

Well, the Yahoo! front page story was a link to see your horoscope for the year. Mine said:

The winds of change are not about to let up just yet! With the arrival of 2012 comes yet another flurry of eclipse patterns to shake up your status quo. In June, the full Moon lunar eclipse in Sagittarius is the last of the series, bringing the final wave of a sea of oceanic changes you've weathered over the past few years. You've probably experienced dramatic endings or beginnings (or both) of important relationships and extensive personal transformations recently. Depending on where you find yourself at the start of the year, you can expect to experience the total other end of the emotional and relationship spectrum before 2012 is over.

According to it, the oceanic changes I've seen won't let up until June. Geez.